“That’s not the point,” I grumbled. My voice was rough and harsh, making her pull back. “I wasn’t ready for that. I told you writing is a hobby.”
“I know but it’s your fucking dream, Evander. Your passion. You don’t see how beautiful you look when your eyes are sharp and focused on the world you’re creating on that laptop.” She gestured to the sleeved laptop on my desk that tossed her eyes back to me. They were bubbling over with conviction and the fire I always saw when I looked at her.
My body tensed as I wondered what the agent said about my work. How could I be pissed at Xari but at the same time want to know the results of her sneaky ass plot? I was torn right down the middle. My mouth was cotton. My teeth caged my tongue.
“You keep drinking whiskey to drown the regret of not being able to live your life the way you want to. Why keep putting up with your toxic-ass father and his wants and desires when they don’t match yours? You have a chance, baby.” She walked over and sandwiched my face between her hands. “You’re remarkable. Being a senator is draining you.”
“It’s what I do. I can’t leave.”
“You can. It’s an election year. You don’t have to run again.” She shrugged her shoulders. Whenever things like that came out of her mouth, they were coated in possibility. It was dangerous.
Fear etched lines in my forehead as I frowned and shook my head. Xari tugged on my collar, making me look down at her. “Listen to me…” Like I could ever do anything else. “I know it’s scary as fuck but you know what else is scary? Looking back twenty years from now and realizing you did nothing that lit a fire inside of you. This,” she gestured around my office, “Isn’t for you. You don’t feel alive doing this. This is your father. Not you.”
She took a step back from me and dabbed her wet eyes. My Adam’s apple bobbed in my throat as I stared at her.
She was everything that terrified me. She was the soft beckoning of my passion. She was the fire that never fully extinguished inside.
“Do you want to hear what the agent said?” Xari asked after a stretch of silence. Nerves begged me to shake my head. Passion and desire pushed me to nod instead. A soft smile lifted Xari’s glossy lips. “She said to expect an acceptance letter in the mail from her office. She said she’s surprised your work hasn’t been snapped up. She said the publishing house is willing to offer you four million dollars to sign with them.”
I tipped my head to the side, making sure I heard her correctly. A laugh jumped from my mouth first before I spoke one word. I steepled my hands and finally met her penetrating stare.
“Four million?” I asked, lifting a quizzical brow. “Are you serious?”
“So serious. She emailed me so you can see I’m not bullshitting you.” She handed me her phone and I read over the email. She was right. Bright House Publishing was officially offering me four million dollars for a four-book deal starting with A Heart’s Song. I blinked at the words on the screen then honed in on the familiar name in the FROM field.
“Nicole Philips? She’s the agent?”
“Yup. I had no idea she was a literary agent until she called to thank me for playing at her wedding.”
“So, this is real? You didn’t tell her who I was, did you?” Worry creased my timid excitement.
“No. I didn’t tell her who you were. I told her you had notoriety but that’s it. No names. She said once she learns your identity, she’d be able to up the amount but that’s the tentative figure.”
“There’s still room for this number to go up?” Excitement leaked through the stone wall I’d erected in my mind and heart. It was the great divide between passion and practicality. Passion was chipping away at it little by little.
“Yes. She said if you want to write under a pen name, it’s fine. They’ll do what they can to keep your identity quiet if that’s what you want but I think you should live out loud. Don’t let anyone stop you from being you and from doing what makes you happy.”
Four million dollars kept popping up in my head though. How the fuck did anyone read my words and think they were worth that much money?
“I need time to process this, Xari.”
“You’re mad at me. I know but…I only dipped your toe in the proverbial water. You don’t have to bite. You don’t have to pay any of this any attention. This was mainly to show you what you’re capable of. You don’t have to drink your regrets away.”
“I don’t know how I feel right now, to be honest. I want to be excited but this is the empire I’ve built for myself and letting it go to chase a dream sounds fucking insane.”
“This isn’t your empire because you didn’t build it.” Her words were a harsh reminder of a blaring truth.
“You know what I mean, Xari.”
“I don’t.”
“Okay well, you can play clueless but let's not act like I haven’t made a name for myself in the senate. Listen, this is a lot to deal with on top of my father just leaving so…”
“So, you’re putting me out.” She scoffed and nodded her head. “Right. I’ll see you at home then.” I watched her tight movements then dropped my head when she left the office.
I already knew the rest of my schedule was shot. I wasn’t going to get anything significant done because I was going to be wrapped up in thoughts of being a published author and what life outside of the political eye would look like.
Navy poked her head in after her sister left and I waved letting her know she could come in. “Everything okay, Senator Freeman?” She sat in the same chair my father had been in moments ago.
“I’m just Evander right now, Navy,” I told her with a heavy sigh. Being Senator Freeman was too tiring.
“O…kay. I know this is probably unprofessional but is everything okay with you and Xari? She didn’t say much before she left.”
“It’s fine. No need to always be professional. At this point, I consider you a friend.”
“I just feel like something is off between you two.”
“It is. I don’t know if it’s her fault or mine though.”
“Well, if you tell me what happened I can tell you whose fault it is. Yours or hers.” She smiled a little and I chuckled.
“Okay. I’ll bite. Your sister submitted a novel I was working on to a publishing house. A big one. She got an offer quickly. The thing is, she did it without my permission. She knows how I feel about my writing.”
“You write?” Navy said, staring at me with wonder in her eyes.
“Yeah,” I laughed a little. It made me realize how much of myself I kept hidden. Maybe Xari was right in her assumption that I drank to bury the regret I harbored.
“You must be good if she did that, Senator…I mean, Evander.”
“So, let me guess, this is my fault?”
“I understand you being pissed that she did it secretly but after that wears off you have to ask yourself if she acted selfishly or in a way that could somehow hurt you or your career.”
Fuck. Why did Navy have to always be the constant voice of reason? A part of me wanted to stay pissed at Xari but my heart knew better. I couldn’t stay pissed at her for going behind my back. I could stay in my feelings for a little while but not forever. I knew what she did wasn’t malicious. She didn’t have any ulterior motives either. She did it because she believed in me.