“Shut the fuck up or you’ll be next,” I growl, then twist my head around, scanning the hallway.
Where the fuck did Sophie go?
Now that the fuckface is gone, all I can think about is finding her and making things right. I need her in my arms, her scent around me, her eyes filled with happiness.
“Sophie!” I yell as I stomp down the hall and into her room. I check her bathroom, even her closet—nothing. My pulse pounds in my ears. Where did she go?
I run back to my room, checking everything there while continuing to call her name. When I can’t find her anywhere, I jog back out into the living room, nearly slamming into a group of people.
“Did you see Sophie?” I scream at Devin, who is dry humping some chick on the couch.
“No, man. Everything all right?”
“Make everyone leave, then call someone to dispose of the guy I just killed in front of my bedroom door.” I feel nothing and everything all at once. It’s like I’m more than high, like I’m not even in this realm anymore.
“What the fuck happened?” he asks, his tone changing dramatically. I don’t even answer him. I have no time. I need to find her. All will be well when I find her.
“Just fucking do it!” I yell on my way out. What if something’s happened to her? What if someone else got her? My thoughts are irrational, but I don’t care.
All I can think about is her…
A second away from turning the entire fucking house upside down, I run into the same chick from my bedroom...again. I’m about to throw her out the fucking door when she lifts her finger and points toward the front door.
“The girl, the one I’m assuming you’re looking for... she went that way,” whatever-her-fucking-name-is whispers.
“She went out that door?” I ask to confirm. If she’s lying to me, I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. She nods, and that’s all the confirmation I need.
I’m so fucking glad I didn’t have my pants off yet—for several reasons—but most being that I wouldn’t have gotten out of the bedroom fast enough to stop that fucker from hurting her. I run down the driveway, my bare feet slapping against the cold concrete.
“Sophie!” I call out into the fall air.
I stop at the bottom of my driveway, looking left, then right. Panic grips ahold of my insides, twisting them into a knot. I don’t see her anywhere. Would she just run away—away from me, from the safety I provide?
Have I hurt her so badly she’d rather risk being on her own? I exhale a ragged breath and run my hands through my hair as I lean forward, resting my arms against my knees.
Where the fuck could she have gone? Left or right? She could have gone either fucking way. I look over to the right again, feeling compelled to do so. I stare long and hard, then something catches my eyes.
It’s not much, and hell, it could be a figment of my imagination, but something moved behind a tree in one of my neighbor’s yards way off in the distance. That’s enough for me and I head off in that direction Gravel bites into the bottoms of my feet. I grit my teeth through the pain. If she’s out here, I’m going to find her.
When I get closer to the large oak tree, I slow down, not wanting to scare her if she really is hiding behind it. I hear some quiet sobs from close by and I know my suspicions are right.
I prowl around the street like a cat. I don’t want to scare her, but there’s no fucking way she’s getting away from me.
“Sophie,” I say, my voice surprisingly calm. She’s sitting with her back against the tree, her legs pulled up to her chest, her face buried into her folded arms. I kneel beside her and lay a hand on her shoulder. I know I technically don’t have anything to apologize for—it’s not like Sophie and I are an item or this is anything more than a favor for my brother—but I feel the need to do so anyway.
“I’m sorry.” The words fall from my lips, and even though I mean them, I wish I could give her more. I feel like whatever I say at this point is just not enough. I need to show her how much she means to me but I can’t do that unless I let her in...unless I let my guard down.
She lifts her head just a little to look up at me, her eyes are red and swollen and though hard to make out I see the bruise on her face. I inhale sharply at the sight, wanting to go back in time and kill the fucker all over again. An undeniable urge to wrap her up and keep her protected from everything in the world fills me, even though I know I can’t.
I might be able to protect her from others, but who is going to protect her from me? In the end, I’m the worst of all. I’ve hurt her the most today.
“I feel safe with you and all you do is push me away.” Tears stain her cheeks, and anguish saturates her words. She’s hurting, and it’s all my fucking fault.
“It’s what I do, Sophie. It’s all I know. I don’t let anyone in,” I admit for the first time ever.
“Why? Why do you push everyone away?”
“If you don’t let anyone close, it doesn’t hurt when you lose them.” I don't have to see a shrink to know this is what I’m doing. I keep everybody at arm’s length.
“Who did you lose?” Sophie asks, eyes wide. I’m not surprised she put one and one together. She’s a smart girl, and she deserves an answer.
“My sister,” I answer, my voice void of any emotion. Even after all these years, the memory of losing her still rips my insides apart. “She died when she was just a little girl. I was still a kid myself. Losing her killed me…it killed my parents too.”
“I’m sorry, Roman…I really am, but what kind of life are you going to have if you never let anyone get close?”
I shrug. “It’s worked well thus far.”
“But are you happy?” Of course not. I don’t tell her that, though. There is no happiness for me. The drugs make life bearable…easy, but happy? Fuck no.
She makes me happy. When I’m with her, I feel like I don’t need the drugs anymore. Being with her feels like freedom.
“It doesn't matter, Sophie.”
“But it does,” she whispers. “What about your parents?”
“My mom drank herself to death after Mira died, and my father hardly looked at me and Ivan after everything happened. He always said we reminded him too much of everything he lost. As soon as we were old enough, he left…” I pause, thinking back to that day, the way he looked at us like we were nothing to him. He told Ivan he could take care of me now that he was eighteen…which only made things worse between us. Whether or not I wanted to believe it, I always blamed Ivan for Mira’s death and everything we lost.
“We haven’t heard from him since, and I’m thankful for it. I’m not sure I would want to see him if he did show up.”
I expect her to tell me how sorry she is yet again, but she just unfolds her arms and legs so she can scoot closer to me. The second I feel the heat of her body and her floral scent hits my nostrils, I’m melting. Her arms snake around my middle, and she pulls me into a tight hug. I wrap my arms around her and pull her even closer, needing her everywhere—inside me, on me. And just like a drug, she makes me feel better. It’s as if her touch gives me some kind of high—a new found pleasure heightened only by her touch. We sit like that, her ear pressed against my chest, listening to each other breathe. The moment seems so intimate, so deep, but when she starts to shiver in my arms, I know it’s time to get inside.