But no matter, she thought eagerly. There were books to be examined, pages to flip through, and words to read. These tomes were ancient. Some of them, at least. She could tell by their faded covers and the deep wrinkles etched into the leather. One of these books might have the answers on how to defeat the Ruin.
She grabbed the nearest book and flipped it open.
Immediately, the merchant with his floppy hat and deep crimson robes was by her side, his breath scented with sour wine. “No reading here, I’m afraid. If you want it, you have to buy it.”
Eislyn pulled her eyes away from the words and frowned. “How can I possibly know if I want to buy it if I don’t know what it’s about?”
He narrowed his eyes. “All right then. Take a few moments to scan the contents, and then put it back or buy it. I’ll be watching you.”
She shivered, suddenly a bit less certain that she should be walking so freely and boldly through these crowds. The last time she had visited the eastern market, not a single merchant had been rude to her. They’d let her browse the books endlessly, reading whatever she liked. But they had known she was the princess then. Perhaps…
Vreis edged in closer. “Why don’t we just grab a few of these and go? I think we ought to go see your father’s friend now.”
“But there are so many,” she said with an exasperated sigh. “I’ve barely even begun to look through them.”
“Let’s go see him, Eislyn,” he said insistently, prying the book from her fingers. “We can always come back later, after we’ve spoken to him.”
Something in his voice sent a chill down her spine. She let him take the book and watched him pay the merchant his coin. Vreis pressed the book back into her hands, grabbed her elbow, and steered her toward the northern stalls where an exit leading into the city sat waiting.
Her heart was racing as they upped their pace. “What’s happening?”
“There were a few curious eyes back there taking an extreme interest in you,” he said almost too quietly for her to hear. “A group of them. Maybe a dozen in total. It was difficult to tell.”
“Perhaps they recognized me,” she said. “I’ve been here before with my father.”
“Oh, they no doubt recognized you. It’s what they want to do next that has me worried.”
Eislyn frowned. “Ice fae would not harm me.”
“No?” He shook his head. “You left your lands to join your sister at the Air Court. The war has been long and harsh and full of death. I wager there are some who might not be pleased by what you two did.”
“What, ensure an alliance? Try to end the war? Why in the name of the Dagda would anyone hate us for that?”
“Oh, Eislyn.” Vreis shot her a sad smile. “You are far too pure for this world. I wish there were more fae in these wretched lands who see things as you do.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She wrenched her arm out of his grasp and glared at him. “Tell me.”
“Grudges are like poison. They get into your blood, and it’s impossible to get clean. Once it’s in you, it’s in there for good. In the end, you either welcome in the poison, take it as part of you, and survive with a festering illness for the rest of your miserable life…or you die.”
Tears threatened to burst into her eyes. “You’re saying the ice fae have poison in their hearts.”
“I’m saying the war has lasted a hundred years, and many of your fae lost their lives to the Air Court. It will take a very long time for those wounds to mend, if they ever do.” He pushed a long strand of hair out of her face. “Some will be glad of the alliance. Others will not. I wish it weren’t so, and I hate that it feels as if I’m wounding you now by telling you this, but sometimes harsh truths must be faced.”
“You don’t seem as if you hate it at all,” she whispered fiercely, blinking back the tears. “You’ve been throwing harsh truths into my face since the moment we left that damn city.”
“Only because I am trying my damnedest to help you survive.” He leaned in, voice tense with emotion. “You’ve spent your entire life shielded from the world. By your father, by your sisters, by Thane. That shield is gone, Eislyn. I’m just trying to make you see it’s not there and what now lies beyond its shadow.”
“And I’m shielded by you,” she said, tears now pouring from her eyes, because he was right. He was so right that it hurt. She had long known deep inside her heart that there was something wrong with her, that she could not survive, not on her own. She had been protected, so protected that others had died so she might live. And that wasn’t fair. That wasn’t fair at all. Her mother should be here now. She would have never needed so many shields.
“See, there you’re wrong.” He brushed his thumb against her cheek, wiping away the tears. “I am not trying to shield you at all.”
“I am not strong enough,” she whispered harshly. “I am not Reyna. I’m not even Glencora.”
They were both strong in their own way. Even now, Glencora survived something that had killed so many. And Reyna. Oh, Reyna. Eislyn did not know what had happened to her sister, but she knew she would be alive. It would take a lot to destroy a Darragh sister.
Every Darragh sister except for Eislyn, of course. She was nothing like her sisters, and she never would be.
“This is what I am trying to tell you.” He grasped her shoulders, leaned down, and stared deeply into her eyes. “Look deep down inside of yourself. You are Princess Eislyn Darragh. You do not need anyone to save you. No one but yourself. Be your own shield.”
Be your own shield.
The thought sparked like a flicker in the darkest dungeon. She gasped at the wave of exhilaration that went through her, but it was quickly pushed away by a tsunami of reality. Eislyn could not be her own shield. Vreis meant well. He truly did. But he didn’t understand how useless she was. He didn’t understand how terrible the terrors in her mind truly were.
“It’s a nice thought,” she said with a sad smile. “But not everyone is fit for battle.”
Vreis sighed as she pushed away from him. “Eislyn.”
She brushed the tears from her face and began to jog. Vreis was wrong about her. She couldn’t take care of herself, evidenced by the fact he himself had been the one to break her out of the castle. He had set up the ship. He had told her to go to Margaidh. He had done it all, and she’d done nothing!
If she had been left to her own devices, she’d be in a grave next to Imogen Selkirk right now.
He let her go, almost as though he sensed her need for a moment to herself. She hated that she’d let him see her this way, raw and broken, staring her helplessness right in the face. How did he see through her so well and yet manage to get it all wrong anyway?
When her tears were finally frozen on her cheeks, she reached the gates leading out of the market and into the city proper. She slowed to a stop and glanced behind her, ready to face Vreis once again and his all-knowing eyes. But Vreis was not there amidst the crowd, not that she could see. His amber hair should have stood out in a sea of silver and white, but there was not a splash of brown at all.
He left me, she thought desperately to herself. He got sick and tired of being my shield, so he’s gone.