Finn
January 1, 11:48 a.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Bear Grylls
I wrote and deleted about twelve different emails already today. There are so many things I want to say to you, but I’ve never been very good with words. I gave up and was watching Bear Grylls on TV (you’ve got me hooked) and he said something I had to tell you.
He said, “You only get one chance at life and you have to grab it boldly.” It spoke to me and I thought you’d appreciate it too. It made me think of that night we shared some of our goals in life. I haven’t done a single one, hadn’t even thought about them since then. I’m adding another item to my list: you. That’s it. In any capacity or quantity I can have you.
Finn
January 30, 1:21 a.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Pickles
Do you like pickles? Odd question, I know, but I was having lunch today and I realized I didn’t know. I don’t mind a few dill slices on a sandwich, but I can’t stand them any other way. Those people who eat the giant pickles in public like it’s an ice cream cone. No fucking thanks. Gross.
Are you one of those people? Now that I think about it, there are probably a whole bunch of things you do or like that would annoy me. Could you tell me those please? Because all I seem to remember are all the really amazing things about you. Like how good your hair smells, and the way you’d leave just enough coffee in the pot for me every day, the way you spoiled my cat and forced me to keep her, and your smile – your smile beats all others.
I’m drunk and probably not going to send this email. The same way I haven’t sent any of my other drunken rants. Or maybe I will. I really would like to know if you like pickles. And what about salami? That’s a hard no for me as well.
Finn
February 6, 3:09 p.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Gratitude
I started a gratitude journal. I’m a little embarrassed about it if I’m honest, but in some way, it makes me feel closer to you. Maybe we’re jotting down our lists at the same time or maybe we happen to write the same thing one day. What are you grateful for today? Here’s my list.
Things I’m grateful for
1. Marshmallow
2. Beer
3. Liquor
4. Wine
5. Advil PM
6. Blackout curtains
7. Practice. I know that seems surprising with the others, but they all provide their own sort of escape.
Finn
P.S. (8. You)
February 9, 10:49 p.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Marshmallow
Marshmallow has gotten big. I taught her how to sit, lay down, shake, and spin in a circle. I can’t, however, seem to train her not to sleep on my bed. I’m attaching a picture. Maybe she also can convince you to write back?
Everything else is going well. Sleep, eat, practice, workout, and watch Bear Grylls. Marshmallow and I are almost finished with season four of Man vs. Wild. How’s New York? Are you finding adventure?
Finn
Feb 11, 12:00 a.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Date
I went on a date tonight. Nice girl. Beautiful too. When she asked me if I was still heartbroken, I thought of you instead of my ex. Messed up, huh? Two weeks together, one kiss (mind blowing as it was), and zero reciprocation and I’m still pining away rather pathetically. Molly, that was her name, thought I’m only still thinking about you because you haven’t written back. Do you think it’s possible that’s all this is? Maybe I’m just struggling to move on because I’m a child who can’t accept that there’s a girl out there that doesn’t want me?
I don’t think so either. Glad we agree.
Finn
Feb 14, 10:37 a.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Happy Valentine’s Day
You don’t really strike me as the kind of girl who makes a big deal out of Valentine’s Day, but that just makes me wish I could spoil you all the more.
I wandered down the aisle of chocolates and stuffed animals thinking about what I’d get you, but none of the store-bought stuff seemed right. I think if you were my valentine, I would rather spend the night at home devouring you and stuffing my… well, you get the idea. Crass fantasies aside, I can also imagine enjoying a night in – cooking, TV, just the two of us.
Instead, I’m over at my buddy Foster’s house with a few other guys, playing video games and drinking beer, nothing too crazy. Tomorrow is a media day – lots of pictures and interviews so maybe it’s good you are three thousand miles away and I can’t stay up all night like I surely would if you were mine.
Finn
Feb 17, 3:42 a.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Can’t Sleep
Do you have nights where you lie awake thinking about stupid shit like what a jackass you were in primary school? Why in the world did I tease Beth Shart until she cried? A name like that was too easy. What a jerk I was.
I got injured at practice today. Nothing major, just an old calf sprain that gives me trouble from time to time. It’s probably the meds that are keeping me awake. I think I’d prefer the pain to lying in bed all night with nothing but my own thoughts.
Thoughts mostly about you. Beth Shart was only a fleeting memory. You’re always there, Adele Marie Bateman. I guessed on the middle name. What is it? I think I’ll hold mine hostage too, but I will tell you that I’m named after my grandfather.
Finn L. McCash
Feb 25, 7:20 p.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Goodbye
It’s been two months and I think I’ve reached the limits of my pride. This is the last time I’m going to email you unless I hear back. Ball is in your court. A terrible phrase, but appropriate for the circumstances.
I hope you’re insanely happy in New York. I hope you’re enjoying new adventures and taking life by the balls. Sometimes I even hope you’re happy with the boyfriend...errr fiancé.
I don’t know what the hell kind of blip on the radar you and I were. Was I supposed to learn something? Appreciate life more? See a different life for myself? Well congratulations universe, you win. I had a glimpse and it was ripped away before I had time to figure out what it meant. I’ve never felt this way.