Finn
Adele
I was somewhere in Nebraska looking for a sign. Not an actual sign, an omen. Some universal acknowledgment that I was doing the right thing. Quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, and starting across the country without a plan was the rashest thing I’d done in a really long time and I’d officially reached my Holy Shit What Have I Done moment.
The fact that it’d taken eight days for it to sink in said something. The first week I’d mostly been numb. Saying goodbye to my life in New York was easier than I’d expected. I would always be grateful for the time there if only because it had cemented how much California meant to me. Maybe home was wherever you made it to some people, but for me home was a specific place and the people who lived there.
Once I’d loaded up my car, I’d headed south on a sixteen-hour detour to Orlando. If I was going to drive across the country, what was another day or two of driving? And, honestly, if the Hogwarts Express and butterbeer couldn’t cure my heartbreak, then nothing could.
They hadn’t, but they’d brought the first smile to my lips since saying goodbye to Finn. From there, I’d gone northwest staying overnight in a couple Midwestern towns and thinking of how Finn had wanted to see their charm.
And that’s where I was, looking at a bulletin board at a bed and breakfast just outside of Omaha, trying not to breakdown and call him. I’d blocked his number to give myself time to think, but the desire to hear his voice was so strong. I’d even deleted my email account, but then the thought of losing all the sweet words he’d ever written had me scrambling to reactivate before they were gone forever. I’d read each one every night before I fell asleep. They were proof of that wild, crazy love I thought wasn’t possible for me before I’d met him.
Finn loved big and reckless. I had no doubt that he would fight to be with me no matter the cost. From his relationship with Cindy to the way he’d been with me, Finn was loyal to a fault. When he gave himself to someone, he did it wholly and completely. He was blind to the red flags or maybe just so damn stubborn he thought he could charge through them.
Either way, I knew that his love for me was so big he’d keep loving me even if it wasn’t what was best for him. I couldn’t bear that.
I’d made the wrong choice once before and hated myself for it. So, though I was going back to California, I needed to know if being together was what was best for both of us before I faced him. I needed to be one hundred percent certain.
I needed a sign.
A van pulled up to the curb and a group piled out. Each one was dirtier than the last, clothes wrinkled and large backpacks in tow. When the smell of wood smoke drifted off them, I smiled.
“Just get done camping?” I asked the girl who came through the open door of the BnB first.
“Yes, five nights of sleeping on the ground and I need a real bed.”
A guy with red hair and a sunburnt face that nearly matched came up behind her and kissed her cheek. “Need I remind you that this was your idea?”
She scrunched up her nose. “Worst idea ever.” But as he headed past us to the check-in counter, I could see she didn’t mean it.
“I surprised him with a camping trip for his fortieth birthday. We’re only stopping here to rest up because tomorrow I booked a rock-climbing excursion that’s going to blow his mind.” She squealed quietly and then fell in with the rest of the group as they entered.
I chuckled to myself as I turned back to the bulletin board. Finn was everywhere. In every thought and every memory. I saw him in every other person I met, every place I visited. My entire world had shifted since I met him. Forgetting him would never be possible. Living without him would be like my time in New York – devoid of heart and purpose. There was no moving on from him – he was too much of who I was to simply extract the pieces he’d touched. He was all of me.
And maybe that was as good a sign as any.
Finn
“Great to see you again, Finn,” Dr. Swythe addressed me as everyone gathered their things.
The conference room in the back of the used bookstore was small and smelled old and musty, but I kept coming anyway.
“Good to see you, too.”
We shook hands and stood a foot apart both shifting awkwardly. Well, I was shifting awkwardly. Dr. Swythe had a welcoming and comforting way about him.
The Nar-Anon group met every Tuesday and Thursday in this little room. The basic premise was much like AA following the same twelve steps but for spouses, family members, and others who loved someone that was dealing with addiction.
“Are you getting the support you need?” His brown eyes filled with warmth caused me to say more than I would have to anyone else.
“To be honest, I’m not sure I need the support anymore. Ade— the woman I came here for isn’t in my life right now.”
“You must want her to be if you’re here.”
I nodded. “I do.”
“She’s lucky to have the support even if she doesn’t realize it.” He placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezed lightly and walked away.
The meetings had opened my eyes to a lot of things I was completely dumb to before. I was grateful for it if only that it made me feel like I understood her better. Two weeks of zero contact and I refused to accept that I’d lost her for good. I didn’t know how I was going to win her back, but when I did, I wanted to be everything she needed.
I headed to the field early. We had a game tonight and I needed to stretch and activate. The calf was healed, but I’d likely be babying it to avoid re-injuring it for a while still.
“You’re early,” Foster said as I entered the locker room.
“You too.”
“Couldn’t nap today. My sister is in town and staying with me. She’s got her stuff just…” He paused to move his hands in front of him looking exasperated. “Everywhere. I can’t function in a house that isn’t clean. Even to sleep.”
I snorted and dressed into regular gym clothes since it was still a bit before the game.
“You want to play some tennis after we warm up?”
I nodded and after grabbing my shoes we headed into the workout room. Foster grumbled as I did twice the amount of stretching he was used to, but he waited all the while filling me in on the latest in his life. He and Lauren broke up and he’d started dating someone new. Foster had the best stories. Not stories you’d wished you lived but entertaining as hell to hear secondhand.
Like the one he told as we walked to the indoor turf where we had a makeshift net set up for our version of tennis. We used a soccer ball, of course, and instead of a racket, our feet. Maybe it should be called soccer with a tennis net, but that was a mouthful.
“She had me pick her up at her parents’ house. Which I of course didn’t realize until I showed up to this bomb mansion in Beverly Hills. I hadn’t been to her place before, so I didn’t even consider it wasn’t hers as I walked to the door.”
“Does she still live with them?”
“No.” His voice was borderline a screech. “She just wanted me to meet them.”
I grabbed a ball and kicked it over the net. “What’d you do?”
“What else? I went in and had drinks with Dr. and Mrs. Louise. Nice people. They invited me over for Sunday dinner.”