“Gods, I don’t know,” Raze muttered miserably. “I’m so sorry, Lucia. So Gods damned sorry.”
“Your sorry doesn’t cut it, pendejo!” she snapped, her eyes flashing through the tears. “Go away! Go away and never come back!”
“That’s exactly what I’ll do.” Raze felt numb as he said it. “My leave is over anyway. I’ll be going back to the Mother Ship tomorrow morning.”
“What? You were planning to leave all along?” Lucia shook her head. “Dios, I never really knew you at all.”
“Know this, Lucia—I love you.” Raze felt as though someone was ripping the words from his throat—and his heart from his chest at the same time. “I love you too much to lie to you and Join with you when I know I can’t properly bond you to me.”
“Liar!” she cried. “You’re just making some kind of excuse. I know why you don’t want me—because I come with too much baggage. But you could at least me honest about it!”
“I am being honest!” Raze protested. “Look…” He sighed. “There’s no point in staying and fighting about it.”
“Especially when I told you to go!” She crossed her arms over her chest. “So go on—get out.”
“I will. But Lucia…” He paused for a moment, wishing so badly that he could touch her just one last time. Reaching out, he caressed her heated cheek with just one finger.
Lucia jumped, her eyes growing wide.
“What…what are you…?”
“Remember,” Raze told her, withdrawing his hand reluctantly. “If you ever need me or need anything from me—help, money, anything I can offer—I’ll be on the Mother Ship. I’ll file a permanent pass for you, so all you have to do is mention my name and you’ll be allowed to board.”
“As if that’s going to happen!” she snapped, but the fire was gone from her eyes now, replaced by a sadness so deep it made Raze ache to see it.
You did that, whispered a little voice in his head. You put that sadness there. You broke her heart!
“I’m so damn sorry, Lucia,” he said again. And then he left.
What else could he do?
Eleven
“He never wanted me in the first place,” Luci said dully, when Rochelle asked what had happened the next day. “He made up some bullshit excuse about how he couldn’t ‘bond me to him’ and said that was why we couldn’t be together.”
“Oh, no! Honey, I’m so sorry!” Rochelle enfolded Luci in her arms and held her tight while Luci cried.
“I don’t know what to tell the kids—or my mom,” she sobbed into her friend’s shoulder. “They all love him so much—as much as I loved him! And then he tore out my heart and stamped all over it, the big pendejo!”
“Get it out, girl,” Rochelle murmured, patting her back. “Go on and get it out. Men are assholes. I thought the Kindred were different, but I guess I was wrong.”
“I was wrong too—about everything.” Luci took a deep, shuddering breath and swiped at her eyes. “Dios, I feel like such an idiot, thinking someone like Raze could fall for someone like me.”
“Don’t let this get you down,” Rochelle told her firmly. “You’re still a beautiful, strong woman and any man would be lucky to have you.”
Luci appreciated her friend’s words, but she didn’t feel like they were true. The way Raze had left her had only reinforced her feeling that she would never find a man to love her again—not one that would accept her with her kids and mom and pets in tow, anyway. But her family was her life. She couldn’t and wouldn’t abandon them—not for any man, she told herself fiercely.
She would just have to learn to live without love, that was all there was to it. She would be the best mom and daughter she could be and try to forget about the big Kindred who had stolen her heart and then stomped all over it.
Life would go on. It might feel gray and dreary right now, but eventually she would feel better—wouldn’t she? After all, just two short weeks before, she hadn’t even known Raze existed. In time she would forget him and be happy again.
Or so Lucia told herself. But at the moment, her heart was so broken she didn’t see how it could ever heal.
Twelve
“Where’s Raze? I want Raze—and I want to see the kitties! Wanna see Spots and Little Bit and Pirate Cat,” Frannie whined.
This kind of behavior wasn’t like her at all, but they had all been out of sorts in the two weeks since the big Kindred had left. The twins were fussy, Frannie was fractious and prone to tears, and Luci’s mom seemed to be feeling her age. She was limping around with a hand on her back all the time, her face lined with pain.
Even the animals seemed to miss Raze, Luci thought. Lady was sad and subdued and Lucky had taken to hissing when anyone tried to pet him. Oreo and Hippy and Hoppy were always hiding in their hutches. Only the turtles seemed largely unaffected by the general malaise the big Kindred’s absence had brought to Luci’s little family.
Dios, I miss him, she caught herself thinking and then tried to push the thought aside. But there was no denying it. Life was hard and dark—an endless cycle of work at the clinic, housework and childcare at home, barely enough food, not enough sleep, and then she had to get up and repeat it all again.
Before Raze, the cycle had seemed normal. But the big Kindred had lightened her load—helping with the housework and dishes, buying groceries, playing with the kids, being kind to her mother, feeding the pets… In so many big and little ways, he had brought light to their lives. And now that the light was gone, Luci sometimes felt she couldn’t go on in the darkness anymore.
Still—she had to try for her kids.
“Raze isn’t here, mija,” she told Frannie as patiently as she could. “He had to go back to the Kindred Mother Ship.”
“Well then, I wanna go to the Mother Ship!” Frannie declared.
“You can’t—it’s way up in the sky, orbiting the moon.” Briefly, Luci closed her eyes and imagined him up there, among the stars, doing whatever it was he did. Did he miss her at all? Or was he happy to be away from her and the kids?
“I wanna go anyway!” Frannie insisted. “Please, Mami! I thought Raze was going to be our new daddy! I thought you found a nice daddy for us since our real one was so mean!”
“I thought so too, mija.” Luci’s heart clenched like a fist and she felt tears fill her eyes, though she tried to stop them. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out,” she said, gathering her daughter into her arms for a hug. “But we still have each other. And we’ll always be together—I promise you that. I’ll never leave you.”
At last, Frannie seemed somewhat comforted. She put her arms around Luci’s neck and held on tight.
“I love you, Mami,” she whispered in Luci’s ear. “I’m sorry I was sad.”
“It’s okay to be sad, mija,” she murmured. “I’m sad, too. I miss Raze as much as you do. But sometimes things just don’t work out. I know it’s hard to understand, but you’ll get it when you’re older.”