I shoot up off the couch and close the space between us in two strides, wrapping her in my arms. The feeling of Val’s small frame against me, her weight in my arms is familiar and soothing. I hug her close, running a hand up and down her back, feeling her shake with the force of her sobs.
“I loved you, Val. I swear I did,” I murmur, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. “You’re my best friend and the mother of my child. You’ve always had a piece of me, and you always will. I didn’t love you the way either of us deserved, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.”
Her sobs quiet and she sniffles. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Here you are coming out, and I’m making it all about me.”
“You’re not,” I assure her. “You have every right to feel emotional about this, as long as you don’t stop loving me,” I tease, even though the fear is a tangible thing weighing in my chest.
“Don’t be an idiot.” She sniffles again and pulls back from my embrace, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands and giving me a shaky smile, her eyes red and puffy, her cheeks damp. I use my thumbs to wipe a few stray teardrops away and press a kiss to her forehead. “So, when do I get to meet him?”
I grimace. “Actually, you already have.”
“Oh my god, is it Ollie? Please tell me it’s Ollie. You two would be so hot together.”
I bark out a laugh. “Ollie? What? No, he’s practically my brother.” I wrinkle my nose and shake my head.
Val gasps, a wicked smile lighting her face. “Oh my god, you’re banging Livi’s music teacher?” She shoves my shoulder playfully. The gesture is so familiar it calms me all the way through to my soul. Yes, it’s going to take her a minute to adjust to the news, and she might even be a little resentful that I took so long to come out, but deep down we’re still us.
“Jesus, be more crass about it,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“I knew something was weird when I bumped into you at the movie theater. You were acting all shifty, and the story he was spinning didn’t add up. And, oh my fucking god, did you fuck him in the janitor’s closet?”
“I didn’t fuck him in the janitor’s closet,” I answer with a laugh. “We were making out, that’s all.”
“Making out?” she raises both eyebrows. “What are you, sixteen?”
“It’s kind of felt like it lately,” I confess. “That’s when most people get to have all of these incredible firsts, right?”
She looks thoughtful and guilty at the same time. “I guess that’s true. I still can’t believe all of this. And he was at your place when I dropped Livi off that one night?”
“You managed to fuck up our first two dates, so thanks for that,” I joke.
“Is it serious?” she asks.
“We’re dating, or we were, and we will be again once I can show him I’m serious about him. He’s…I really like him a lot. Actually, I’m in love with him.”
Her eyes go wide. “Wow. It’s so strange to hear you say that about someone else. I know I’ve been serious with other people since we split, but I think part of me liked knowing that in a weird way you were still only mine.”
“Yeah, you were never very good at sharing,” I tease.
“I’m happy for you, though,” she says.
“I know.”
“What are you guys talking about?” Livi asks from the doorway, startling both of us.
“I told you to play in your room,” Val reminds her.
“I know, but you were taking forever, and I was worried Daddy would forget to stay for lunch.”
I glance at my ex-wife to make sure the lunch invitation still stands, and she gives a small nod. “How could I forget lunch?” I ask my daughter, crossing the room to ruffle her hair. “What are we having?”
“Pizza!” she declares.
“I swear to god if I have to see one more pizza,” Val mutters. “I’ve had chicken soup cooking in the crock pot all morning; it should be ready to eat now. I can make grilled cheese to go with it.”
Livi sighs theatrically. “I guess that’s fine.”
“Less attitude, more gratitude,” I remind her. “Now, go wash up.”
Once she’s gone, I turn back to Val.
“Are we good?” I check.
“We’ll be fine as long as you don’t have any other deep, dark secrets?”
“Not that I can think of,” I assure her.
“Good.” She nods solemnly. “And once you two patch things up, I want to meet him properly. We can have a big family dinner, all five of us.”
“Sounds great,” I agree.
I pull out my phone, desperately wanting to text Watson to tell him I finally did it and that Val is looking forward to meeting him. But I resist. It’s not time yet, I need to come out to the guys and get a few things in order so I can show him how in this I really am. He deserves that much.
Watson
I’m lying on my back with Fermata sniffing around on my chest. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve reached for my phone to call or text Ev and then put it back down without reaching out to him. I told myself not to fall in love with him, and I stupidly ignored my own advice. Now I need to get through the detox phase so I can get over him. And I can’t detox if I talk to him.
“I should’ve listened to myself in the first place and steered clear,” I tell the hedgehog. “On the other hand, maybe I’m expecting too much, putting too much pressure on him,” I reason, and Fermata unhelpfully refuses to voice an opinion on the matter. “A lot of help you are.”
My front door swings open, and Fermata squeaks and then hisses before curling up into a protective ball of spikes.
“Dude, you scared my hedgehog,” I complain as Jordy strides into my apartment without invitation.
“You haven’t been answering any of my texts. I thought you were dead.”
I roll my eyes. “You did not think I was dead.”
“Fine, I didn’t,” he agrees. “But I figured if you were avoiding your phone, it meant things with Ev went south.”
“Either you’re psychic or my relationship cycle is pathetically predictable.”
He kicks off his shoes and flops down on the couch a few feet away, putting his feet up on the coffee table. “So, what happened?”
“Nothing happened, it ran its course,” I answer.
“Bullshit. You’re in love with him.”
“Love is a fool’s errand,” I sigh.
“Why do you always become so emo after a breakup?” he teases.
“I can’t be emo, I’m forty,” I argue.
“You would think,” he deadpans. “Are you going to tell me what happened, or should I put on Les Mis and order some sushi to comfort you?”
“Sushi and Les Mis are always the right answer.” I scoop up Fermata and carefully place him on the floor so I can sit up. “And nothing really happened except that I realized I’m in love with him, and he isn’t in a place to commit to me, so I thought it was better to take a break for now.”
“Ouch,” he says sympathetically.