Obviously, that had never happened, and eventually, after years of sighing from a distance, I had come to terms with it. I would live the rest of my life loving someone who loved me too but like a little sister.
At least he loved me, I had told myself one day after I’d seen him with some girl he’d been seeing. He didn’t love them, but he loved me. That made me special.
Over the years, it became easier, especially after we lost touch.
And here we were.
On his hotel bed, both in pajamas that were really underwear, with him being a better friend to me than ever before.
And that friend, my friend who I had just told I’d had feelings for, turned his body to look at me with an expression that wasn’t exactly disgusted but completely surprised. “I did?”
That’s how little that had meant to him—a little peck on the cheek—but I forced myself to push it back, to not take it that way. I lifted a shoulder and kept the smile on my face. “Yeah. Right here.” I pointed right beside my mouth where my beauty mark was, purposely not thinking about how I’d gotten hung up on how his lips had just, just, just touched the corner of mine. “I thought of it as my first kiss for a little bit.” I flashed my teeth at him, trying to tell him I knew it was lame, but I was not really sorry.
Those big blue eyes blinked at me some more, and I watched his eyes flick down to where I pointed, his face still confused.
I reached over and patted his bare knee. “But that was a long time ago. I promise I haven’t thought of you like that in a whole lot of years.”
He just kept on looking at me, not moving away, just… there. On the bed. Watching me.
Shit. “What?” I suddenly and instantly regretted opening my fat trap. I should have just stayed quiet and let it go to the grave with me. “I’m sorry for saying something. I didn’t think you’d care. I thought you’d laugh.”
It took a second, but in the following one, I could tell, I could tell, he forced the tight smile onto his face.
And my freaking stomach sank down to my toes.
Past my toes. Straight down through the Earth’s crust.
“Zac…,” I started to say. God, why the hell had I opened my mouth? Dumb, Bianca. I instantly faced forward and figured I might as well try and go downstairs to get a key.
Zac’s hand went to my leg, those long fingers wrapping around the kneecap, swallowing it whole. “Hey.” His eyes met mine, and there wasn’t a hint of panic or disgust on his face. But there wasn’t joy or that easygoing expression that came so naturally to him either. His forehead was furrowed, and his lips looked a little tight, but I didn’t know what to make of it. “Why you tensin’ up?”
I was tense. Exhaling, I tried to shake it off.
As I did, I knew I wasn’t imagining him scooting over close. His mostly bare thigh lined up to mine, his hand was still on my knee, the tips of his fingers anchored around the bone.
It took a second, but I finally glanced at him, feeling my lips pressed together. “I’m sorry, Zac. I didn’t think you’d care.”
“Hey.” What had to be his fingertip nudged at my chin, drawing my face higher. He wasn’t frowning, but he wasn’t smiling either.
I looked into his eyes, noticing just how long and pretty his nearly golden eyelashes were, how the area right around the pupil was a shade of bright blue that bled out the further away it got. And when his fingertip slid along my jaw and gently tapped at a spot halfway to my ear, I held my breath. What was he going to do? Tell me he didn’t want to be my friend anymore? That wasn’t Zac. That would never be him.
It wasn’t like I blamed him for not loving me back or even liking me back. I had never and would never hold that against him.
He still wasn’t smiling. He just… looked.
He looked and looked and looked.
Right into my freaking eyes. A little over my face. Lingering on the corner of my mouth where I’d pointed.
And he didn’t say anything.
A minute passed, maybe two, but it felt like half an hour.
This was up to me. This was just Zac. There was nothing to be scared of. This person was my friend.
I snuck my hand over and was just about to set it on his thigh but detoured it to land on his forearm, and I was going to ignore just how muscular and tight it was. “Hey, I’m sorry. I promise it was a long time ago. You’re one of my best friends, and I would never want to ruin this between us. I honestly thought you’d laugh. I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” he replied instantly, gaze unflinching. “There’s nothin’ for you to apologize for.”
“But there is. I didn’t mean to make you feel weird.”
That fingertip smoothed its way back down to my chin, and I was pretty sure another finger landed right next to it. The lines across his forehead got deeper. “Bianca, I don’t think there’s a thing you could do to make me feel weird.”
I wasn’t so sure about that.
The hand on my knee gave it a squeeze. “You caught me off guard is all. I didn’t know. I had no idea. Boog never said nothin’. Nobody did.”
“Because it wouldn’t have changed anything. Connie knew. Boogie put it together himself, but you know he wouldn’t have teased me over it. He’s too nice with that sort of thing.” I let go of his forearm and set my hand on top of the one he had on my leg. “I was a kid. It didn’t mean anything.”
His jaw did this weird thing, and I could see his nostrils flare for a second before he dipped his chin down. “You were a kid.”
A kid who had clung to him like a spider monkey. A little sister figure. He was too kind to ever say that to me, but it was the truth, and we both knew it.
“Are we fine? Do you forgive me?”
“There’s nothin’ to forgive,” he said after a second, his words slow.
I looked at him for what felt like a long time. Those features weren’t exactly pinched. They weren’t even close to being distressed either. They were just… thoughtful.
Too thoughtful.
Any kind of thoughtful was too thoughtful though.
All I had wanted and expected was a laugh, and now we were here.
When he still hadn’t said anything after what felt like half an hour but was probably really only about a solid minute, I shifted from one butt cheek to another, ignoring the hand still lingering on my knee, and said, “You’re not gonna be all awkward now, are you?”
That did it.
Those light blue eyes that were a perfect mix of bright baby blue and milk, blinked, and in a matter of two seconds, his lips slowly peeled back into a soft and familiar smile. “Me, awkward?”
I ticked my head to the side and couldn’t help but smile back at him.
His lips went crooked. “Who you callin’ awkward?”
“You’re the one sitting there being all quiet and weird, Snack Pack.” There, that took us back to our friendship—at least that’s what I hoped. “I just want to make sure I don’t have to noogie you back to being normal.”
He laughed. “You think you’re gonna noogie me?”
Good. This was good. “If I have to, Mr. White Oak.”
One nearly blond eyebrow went up, and I felt him shift on his butt cheek to face me just a little better.