Cynthia’s eyes moved from me to Jack and back again and then to our joined hands.
“Everything okay?”
He glanced down at me. “Yes. Everything is good now.”
Everything did feel good. Apart from my nose.
While we were standing at the very back of the elevator, heading down to the lobby with five other people, he called Ray to tell him to bring the car to the front of the building. When he pocketed his phone, I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
Leaning against him, I tried to be as quiet as I possibly could and asked, “Jack?”
His hand gave mine a squeeze, which was his version of I’m listening, I supposed. My heart rate picking up, I whispered, “That just happened, right? You want to…you want us to date? As in be boyfriend and girlfriend?”
He gave me a long look. “More like husband and wife, don’t you think?”
Chapter Seventeen
Jack
The remnants of whatever guilt I was still holding on to that seemed to keep me back or make me hesitate when it came to Rose had disappeared overnight. I didn’t care about anything I’d done to be with her. I knew the truth, and that was enough.
She was sitting next to me on the spacious couch, leaning over a small cup she was holding in her hand. She didn’t want me to see her like this, but I wasn’t budging from her side no matter what she said. So, as a result of that, I was watching drops of a clear liquid—which was quite possibly brain or spinal cord fluid—very, very slowly drop into the cup. It’d already been twenty minutes since the nurse had brought us in there, and we still had at least another two inches to fill before it reached the point where it’d be enough for them to test the sample.
“If I tap the other side of my nose it comes out faster.”
I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my thighs, watching her nose intently as her eyes flitted to me and then back to her slowly filling cup. I was so consumed with my thoughts that I didn’t understand what she had meant, so I didn’t think to stop her until I saw what she was doing. When I realized she could be harming herself, I caught her left hand before she could start tapping on her nose again.
“Stop doing that.”
She heaved a long sigh and leaned back, her right hand, which was holding the cup, slightly trembling, her left one tightly held in mine. She didn’t pull away, and I didn’t plan on letting her go.
“What’s wrong? Does it hurt?” I asked, trying to understand what was going on.
Her eyes glanced to me and then back to the ceiling. “My head is spinning too much, Jack. I think I need a break. How long has it been?”
“You chose this instead of the MRI. It was either this or that.” Our shoulders brushed as I let go of her hand and reached over to take the cup from her.
“I know, Jack. I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sorry.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. She had no idea how angry I was, how helpless and useless I felt because there wasn’t anything I could do to help her in this situation other than sit my ass right next to hers and make her understand that I would be there no matter what happened, which didn’t seem to do anything.
“You’re sure you don’t need to be at your office?” she asked to the ceiling.
“I’m not leaving, so you can stop trying to send me away. Come on. We only have a little more then we can get out of here.” I glanced at her, waiting with the cup in my hand. I wanted to get out of there just as much as she did, if not more.
“This isn’t an allergy, Jack. I am leaking CSF. You know that, right?”
I agreed with her. I’d never seen anyone go through anything like this before, but I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut. “We don’t know that yet. You heard what the doctor said.”
She shook her head from side to side, slowly. “Actually, I didn’t. I just zoned out when you started asking all those questions.”
I reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear. “Come on, just a little more. Then we can go.” She licked her lips and I noticed her eyes getting all glossy again. “If you start crying, I’m going to lose it and we’re going to have a problem.”
She chuckled, wiping at her eyes. “I’m not crying. I’m not gonna cry.”
She tried to take the cup from me, but I held it up for her, my arm resting across her leg. “Let me hold it for you. Come on.”
Her eyes met mine and I gestured to the cup with my head. She dropped her head forward and the first few drops started coming. A few seconds later, her left hand curled around my wrist. At first I thought maybe she was trying to line up the cup right under her nose, but when I looked closely, she had her eyes tightly closed and was biting her lip.
I cursed myself for not being better in a situation like this. My family hadn’t been any better than hers. Not as bad maybe, but still not better. I had a family, but not really. I didn’t know exactly how to be there for someone because I hadn’t seen anything like it in my family. This felt much like trying to find my way in the dark. But it was Rose. I didn’t mind if I crashed into everything as I tried to find my way, the only thing that mattered was being there for her. She had me now.
I wanted her—that was crystal clear to me. That first time I’d seen her at the party, I’d been intrigued by her, but it had been different then. It wasn’t love at first sight. Like she had said the day I proposed our business deal to her, I wasn’t romantic enough for that, but that first night, seeing her with her fiancé, and not even that…just seeing her smile at him—I’d wanted that smile she had for her fiancé to be mine. That was it. That was everything.
That was how it all had started, me wanting her in my life, and now after our fake marriage, things had started to change. It was more than I should help her out of this situation. I was starting get to know her—her quirks, her likes, dislikes, the way she reacted to the things I said. It was now more than just wanting to have her in my life. I wanted her to want to be in my life. As much as I knew I was a bastard for lying to her and knew I was going to keep lying to her, I wished I could be someone different, someone who would know all the right things to say to make her stay.
I knew that wouldn’t be the case when it was all said and done, because I was not that guy. She deserved someone warm and open, and yet, selfish bastard that I was, I couldn’t and wouldn’t think of her being with someone else. Cold and distant was what I’d grown up with, and cold and distant was what I had become. It didn’t bother me in any other part of my life, but with Rose, it did.
When her hair dropped and curtained her face, I pushed it back again and curled it behind her ear. Instinctively, I ran the backs of my fingers along her jawline, and her fingers tightened around my wrist. My jaw clenched, and I moved my hand behind her neck, trying to massage her muscles and help her relax. The more our skin stayed in contact, the more I had trouble keeping myself in check and not pulling her head up so I could kiss her again. Both times we had kissed, I hadn’t gotten enough of her taste. She somehow left me wanting more, each and every time, and she was like that with everything, not just the way she kissed. It was even that way with her smiles. Ever since that first night, this whole thing had started because I’d wanted more. Would I ever get enough?