I mumble through what’s happened in a quick minute.
“I’ll be right over,” she says. And though I didn’t ask, I’d hoped she’d say as much. I can’t be alone right now. This is a good thing—this is what we’ve wanted. So why do I feel like I just said goodbye for the last time?
Summer pushes her way through The Bookcase’s door quicker than I would have thought. She rushes over to me standing behind the register where I’m working on my praying. I’ve asked God to get rid of the man at the back a hundred times, but all that’s happened is two more people have come into the shop to admire my tree. I’d take it apart if I thought it would get rid of them. Summer crouches to peer at me, grazing her fingers along my wet cheeks. More of my never ending tears spill over.
“Home or the hospital?” she asks.
“I want to go wait for him at the hospital, but I have to wait to close up, and he’s in Salt Lake.” My voice quivers as I gesture to the store. “There are people shopping and he’s four hours away.”
Summer straightens at my words. She claps her hands like she would if she were teaching a bunch of rowdy fifth graders inside a large gymnasium. “Shows over folks!” she yells and it sounds so strange coming from sweet Summer. “Store’s closing early today.” She takes a few steps towards the ladies currently studying the books inside my tree. “Time to go!” She claps again, making one of the women jump.
The other looks at her watch, but they both walk to the door with Summer following after them. She flips the opened sign to closed—why hadn’t I done that?
My crying stops, my jaw is slack. “Uh, one more.” I point to the back and Summer, hands on her hips, starts down the rows to the cove of cases Finn and I made for customers to sit and read.
She’s out of my sight, but I hear her clap a third time. “Did you hear, sir? The store is closing.”
He mutters something, but I only hear Summer’s response. “I know what time it is. We are closing early today. Do you want to buy this or not? You can finish it at home. You haven’t heard? The monster wakes up.”
With Summer following him, the man charges up the aisle and out the door.
“I’ll drive,” she says, the glass door already opened.
We drive for hours to wait for hours.
My body and mind are exhausted from praying and crying. Marley and Danny are across from us in the waiting area. Summer sits right next to me, her arm around me, and I lean into her like a small child would her mother. I can’t help it. I cannot stand on my own right now. For all of the times I’ve had to—I need my family now.
My blinks are longer and longer until suddenly, all I see is orange.
I’m dizzy—and the orange is consuming. Orange on the walls, my hands, my shorts, even my bare legs. My eyes hurt clear back into my head, and the heart in my chest thumps as if it’s hooked up to a speaker. My body hurts all over. I am alone. So alone. There is no one with me, and a small fear inside of me tells me there never will be again. I am going to end up alone. I slide down a wall in the orange room, pulling my knees to my chest and holding my head in my hands. I’ve officially fallen to pieces.
I gasp awake, my head on the arm of the waiting room couch. It only takes a second for me to remember where I am.
“Where are Marley and Danny?”
“Cafeteria,” Summer says with a yawn.
I sigh. “I’m so sorry I made you bring me. I should have driven myself. Your kids need you.”
“Hey,” she says, stooping her head to meet my eyes, “you’re one of those kids. You need me.”
She swathes her arm around me and squeezes, but only minutes pass before her head tips on the back of the couch and her hold on me slacks. She’s asleep.
I pull out my phone, sending Cytha a quick text about Finn in surgery. She sends me back a dozen prayerful hand emojis. I write her a quick thanks, knowing I can’t really talk out loud about any of it yet, and what else can I say through text?
Danny and Marley walk into the room, Danny holding a couple white boxes. “For you and Summer,” he whispers, setting the boxes next to me on the couch.
“Thanks.” I tap the box, but my stomach is nowhere near ready to think about food.
Marley sits on the other side of me and Danny across from us. She takes my hand and I feel the quiver in her hold.
“How old were you when you had Finn?” I ask, moving the to-go boxes to the coffee table in front of us. Marley has always looked so youthful to me. I’m certain I’d never guess her age right.
She smiles, highlighting the small gap between her front teeth. “I was a baby, barely twenty-two.”
Forty—that would make her forty. I would have guessed a decade younger—although with an eighteen year old son that’s almost impossible.
“We had just graduated college.” She shakes her head. “We were so young and he was such an adventure.” She grins at Danny, then at me. “You’ve been a good friend to him.”
“More than a friend, I think,” Danny says through his teeth, his brows raised high on his head.
My neck and cheeks go warm, but Marley just sniffs a laugh.
Tipping her head to mine, Marley sighs. “You know what he told me before he went in?”
I shake my head. I really don’t. “He told me he loved me and he was glad I’m his mom.” Her voice chokes up by the end of the sentence and tears brim in her eyes.
“He’s lucky to have you both.”
“Did anyone think to call his friends?” Danny asks, scrolling through his phone.
“I texted Ursula and James.” They were the only two I could think of at the time and I have both their numbers.
Danny crosses his ankle to his knee and rubs his right temple with two fingers. “That’s perfect. Thanks, Esther.”
We’re quiet a minute before Danny squeezes onto the couch beside Marley. Summer sits up, awake, but doesn’t speak. She holds my left hand, while Marley holds my right. We sit like that, close and entangled for a time—long or short, I’m not sure—until the doctor in his scrubs walks through the double doors.
His face is somber and Marley stands with his presence, Danny following after her. Marley wraps her arms around herself, as if she were cold or trying to hug herself. All of us seem to hold our breath waiting to hear what he has to say.
His hospital mask is strapped around his ears, but pulled down below his chin. His hair is disheveled and his eyes are puffy and tired. He sighs, but smiles, talking to Marley and Danny. “All seems to have gone well, though the next twenty-four hours will be critical. Our hope is for his body to accept the heart. But the fact is, it may not. The important thing is, he is currently right where we want him.” He crosses his arms, his stance wide. I watch from my seat on the couch, not daring to even breathe, but squeezing the guts out of Summer’s hand. “He’s sleeping, but you can see him—just for a moment.” I stand and the doctor’s gaze shifts to me and Summer. “Family only, I’m afraid.”
I nod, my brows pinched together—motioning that I understand when really I don’t at all. Where do I belong in this scenario?
“We’ll give him your love,” Marley says with a kiss at my temple, but she’s anxious to see him—and I can’t blame her.