Both of the guys stared at me. Had I made a sound, or did I just look as sick as I suddenly felt?
Anders put his arms around me, and I squeezed him back. I was officially a hugger. I’d never wanted to be. It had too much to do with me taking people’s pain, but when the guys did it, they seemed to want to comfort as much as they wanted to receive that from me. Right now, Anders rocked me gently.
“I shouldn’t have said that. You’re not going to kill anyone. It was a stupid thing to say. We’re going to train you so you know how to be you now. But we’ll take care of Evander. That was always on us.”
I pressed my forehead into his shoulder. “Ari said I had to do it. Or maybe it was Canyon. The whole time before they injected me is sort of a blur. Like it was out of time, which I guess it was. It has to be me.”
“They don’t know everything.” Anders shook his head. “Trust me. I grew up with Canyon. Literally in the same juvenile hall. I’m smarter than him.”
I snorted. These guys and the constant game of testosterone. How did they not drown in it? “I thought it was Kellan who was always bragging about his big IQ.”
“Well, from what I hear, the need to brag means you’re overcompensating for something.” He waggled his eyebrows just as somewhere in the ship, Kellan yelled out hey in response.
I smiled. It was sort of fun to hear the things I used to miss. Even if it came with all the other strange noises. Like being able to constantly hear the engine if I thought about it.
“I’m going to go make some food.” Wade touched my arm. “And he’s right. I’ll kill them before you will.”
I left them to go shower and was glad when no one made any moves to get in with me. It wasn’t that I didn’t love the attention. In fact, I was becoming addicted to it. The more they gave me, the more I wanted it. As though they could help me fill up the hole from my years of giving and never getting back by just the way they loved me. The more they touched, the more I wanted them to do that.
But for now, I needed to feel the water run down my back and just think.
We were headed across the galaxy because two people I barely knew—even though one of them had helped save my life—told me to do so. I had no idea how I was going to stop Evander. None. But it was obviously going to be violent, and all my guys’ assurances aside, I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were feeding me a line of bullshit.
Yes, I was cursing in my own head. A lot. And I was pretty sure I couldn’t blame the nanos.
It was just me.
What was worse was that I was one hundred percent certain that the guys believed what they were saying to me. They thought I wouldn’t have to kill anyone. I was a girl from a temple in a place so remote it was sometimes not on star charts. I’d lived in a temple, even more sheltered than the rest of my planet. And even I knew that when this was over, I would be covered in blood.
The water splashed down on me. Was it possible to pre-wash the sin away? Could I stand here in the shower for however long it took me to get across the galaxy and just flush the whole thing off me now? Build up a resistance?
I sunk to the floor.
The sound of footsteps approaching gave me plenty of warning that someone else was coming if I wanted to keep them away. But I didn’t want to anymore. Being alone meant I had to deal with these plaguing thoughts, and I wasn’t going to have answers to them anytime soon.
Anders’ heartbeat told me it was him seconds before he drew back the curtain. “I’ll never be able to say I’m sorry enough for that stupid thing I said.”
I looked up at him, not even caring that the water got into my eyes. “It wasn’t stupid. It was honest. Don’t take it back and don’t apologize. I think you did me a favor. Much better to deal with this now and get the horror over with before I have to do it.”
“Do you think I’m going to let you kill people?” He stepped into the spray, fully dressed. “I’d die for you first.”
I stood, gripping his rapidly soaking shirt. “Don’t say things like that.”
“I would. I’d die for you right this second and consider myself a lucky man for having done it. I got to love you, I got to be with you. Those aren’t things I should ever have had. I got to make love to you. Gifts that a person like me doesn’t get to experience. I don’t deserve it. Not one of us on this ship does. And yet you chose us and continue to do so.”
I opened my mouth, but he wasn’t done yet.
“When we were on The Farm, it occurred to me that you could meet others. I guessed that could happen at any time, but when we were alone on the ships, you were ours, almost by default, but there were a ton of men in those places you might have liked better.”
I shoved his shoulder. “Anders.”
“Almost done. It then occurred to me that you wouldn’t do that. Because you really are like us, heart and soul. When you decide on something, you walk that line. You picked us the same time we picked you. You’d never look to someone else. Yet, I can’t help but feel gratitude that you decided on me. I’ll always feel that way, and if I die today making sure that you go on to have a beautiful life, I’ll end this life knowing that it was the greatest gift that I got any time with you at all.”
I was on him fast. I had to have Anders right there in the shower, and since his strength would match my own, I didn’t give a thought to overdoing anything. I ripped his clothes from his body. It wasn’t even hard. That should have amused me if I wasn’t too focused on needing him inside of me right then and there.
“Hard,” I told him and meant it. He spread my legs and pushed his finger against my clit. I rubbed myself on his finger. That was great but not what I wanted. “Anders.” I was sure he understood.
He smiled before he bit down on my shoulder. “Breathe. I want it, too. I promise you that. Touching you is a rare pleasure. I need it. For just a second.”
Anders needed me? I caught my breath. Yes, he could have whatever he wanted. It was just a few more moments that he stroked my clit. I was panting for it by the time he pushed himself inside of me. I threw my head back. That’s what I’d wanted. Hard. Just him. Deep inside. Yes, more.
We rode each other in the shower. “Harder.” There was no way he could hurt me. I could take whatever it was that he had inside of him. Wanted it. Craved the need. Over and over. The curtain to the shower was gone, the water everywhere. I wasn’t even sure how we’d done that except that we were throwing everything into this moment.
Driving it until we might actually explode the bathroom itself by the time we were done.
And then it was over in a long sigh that was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. Anders came at exactly the same time I did. His arms were around me. This man with his beautiful words, who could destroy the world, brought peace to my soul.
Yes, he could kill anyone for me. That didn’t mean I would let him. He was mine as much as I was his.
12 Just Waiting For Us
The days passed quickly, considering how little there really was for us to do. Anders hadn’t been kidding when he said they were going to train me. I got about half a day of that every day before their minds would turn to more amorous thoughts altogether. Well, almost all of them. It was sort of like Kellan and Corbin were avoiding that.