She told us we were heading to St Goar on the Rhine where we would have time to explore or do an optional wine tasting. Then we’d drive to Koblenz, where we would stay overnight in a boutique hotel. At the word “hotel” my ears pricked up. “Lou. A hotel. Not a garden shed.” Said me, who had spent two nights in a luxury apartment with epic views and giant bathtub. I quashed the thoughts of “our apartment”. I didn’t like what they did to my stomach.
“The accommodation’s definitely improving. You saw our room in Lauterbrunnen.”
“Oh, right, you had one giant bed.” Their room was built entirely of wood—wooden floors, wooden beams running across the wooden ceiling, wooden walls, and flush against one wall was a giant wooden-framed bed. It was normal length and the width of about four queen-sized beds.
“Yeah, it was cool, though—huge. More than enough room and we each had our own sheets and comforters.”
“I forgot to look out the skylight. Georgina said you could stargaze from bed.”
“That was the awesome part. There was some cloud cover last night, but the night before last, it was incredible. We still shared bathrooms, though—dorm-style ones, but yeah, much better than Paris, or Antibes.”
“Or even Rome.”
“It’s definitely been a little more rustic than I thought it would be,” she said.
“So, a new country today, and another one tomorrow.”
“Mm-hm.”
I couldn’t believe how soon it was all coming to an end. After Koblenz, we’d drive to Amsterdam, stay two nights, then head back to London on Friday. I’d have the weekend to recover and to sleep in my own bed, before starting back at school the following Monday.
But I’d be sleeping in my bed alone—completely my doing. I’d screwed things up with Jean-Luc and I certainly wasn’t going to ask Angus to pop around. The thought of sleeping with anyone besides Jean-Luc made me nauseous.
I wished I had a stack of marking waiting for me, or something work-related to fill up my weekend, but other than washing my travel clothes and storing my case in the storage cage, my weekend loomed ahead of me wide open.
I looked at Lou, who had taken out her Kindle and was reading. Only a few more days with my bus bestie, too. I didn’t want to think about that either. Sarah had been right about the friendships you made on these tours. I remembered it being a big part of her first day spiel: “Look around you. Even if you’re travelling with someone else, you are bound to meet people who will become lifelong friends.” Or something like that.
Lou would definitely be a lifelong friend. I’d always wanted to go to Vancouver. I could visit her. And maybe Jaelee and Dani would be lifelong friends too. And Craig.
New people, new friendships. And yet there was one person, whom for a long time I thought I would know my whole life, and I’d just said a final goodbye to him. Bollocks. Bugger. Fuck. Bum. Crap.
I stared gloomily out the window.
Switzerland
***
At the morning tea rest stop, just outside Strasbourg, my posse convened. I had already given Jaelee and Dani the abridged version of the morning’s events when Craig walked up and gave me a much-needed bear hug. “Lou said you needed a hug,” he said as he lifted me up and smushed my face into his chest. I bit the insides of my cheeks so I didn’t start crying again.
“Thanks,” I said when he put me down. I smiled a big fat fake smile while Dani stroked my arm and looked at me with pity.
“I really liked Jean-Luc,” Craig said, clearly thinking he was being helpful.
Jaelee cleared her throat and I saw her subtly shake her head at him. He looked horrified that he’d said something wrong, which he had.
“All right, everyone. Thank you for your support, but what will help is not talking about …” I couldn’t say his name “… uh, that. No pity, no sympathy. Just … we should get some food, huh?” I turned and marched towards the services. I would squash my feelings down the way I was raised to, with food. Sarah often joked that “Food is love” is our family motto and at that moment, I needed lots of fattening, carb-filled love.
Inside, I opted for a giant pretzel coated in melted cheese, covering two of the major European food groups, and I ordered tea—only because it was too early in the day for several shots of vodka.
Back on the coach, I ate my giant pretzel in silence as I stared out the window. I could feel when the carbs hit my bloodstream, a flood of sugar making everything feel marginally better. I could never be one of those people who did a no-carb diet. I mean, what is the point of living if you are going to subject yourself to that?
“Hey.” Craig was standing in the aisle.
“Hi.”
“I wanted to apologise. I didn’t know.”
“You don’t need to—”
Lou cut me off by offering her seat to Craig. “Here. Sit. I’ll go up to your seat for a while.” She smiled at us both and scooched past Craig. He sat down.
“Really, you don’t need to apologise.”
“It’s just that Dani said you needed a hug and I thought you were sad because you had to say goodbye.”
“I was—am—but …”
“She filled me in. Again, I’m really sorry.”
“Craig, have you been spending too much time with the Canadians? Seriously, stop apologising. It’s fine.”
“I’m s—” He cut himself off before he said it again, then sat there looking awkward.
“So, tell me about you,” I asked. “How’s the tour been so far?”
“Good, yeah. I mean, Switzerland was beyond, you know?”
“I do, yes.”
“And I’m from Oregon.” He’d said that a few times, as though Oregon was some benchmark I should have understood.
“And?” I prompted.
“Well, I mean, we have mountains, and lakes, and incredible scenery, but Lauterbrunnen was next level.” I smiled. “It makes me want to travel more. Actually, this whole trip has. I’m thinking I’ll come back next summer and backpack around, you know?”
“That would be amazing.”
“Did you ever do that, you know, when …?”
“You mean when I was young like you?”
He flushed. “Oh, God, I didn’t mean—what is wrong with me today?”
I laughed and it felt good. “I’m kidding. Really. I teach kids your age—I mean, young adults—sorry. See? It’s not just you who’s putting your foot in it.” He grinned. “And, no I never did the backpacking thing. Maybe I should have, but I like proper showers and I hate sharing a room—also, I don’t really like getting somewhere. I prefer being somewhere, but the whole ‘in transit’ thing … I’ve just described a Ventureseek tour, haven’t I?”
“Uh, yeah. So, why did you come if you hate all that stuff?”
“It’s a long story.” Warning, Will Robinson—deflect, deflect, deflect.
Craig, who was more child than man, did not need to know the ins and outs of my sex life, so to speak. It was strange enough that he’d met my latest lover.
Jean-Luc.
His name sat like a tongue ulcer in my head. It hurt to touch it, but I couldn’t leave it alone.