Last night, the only comfort I wanted was his hands on my body. Now, I don’t even know where to start. I drowned my sorrow in a journal, then turned it into a passion project. Wrote a book about you. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and beat it, but it just won’t leave him alone and keeps coming back. I choose not to say all of that.
Instead, I say, “Oh, you know, just typical young-adult things. Got my heart broken, my dad got cancer, I got engaged.” I look at him, waiting for his response.
River sits up on one arm and rests his head in his hand. “Your dad has cancer?” The color drains slightly from his face. “I want to hear about all of it, Ave.” His eyes lighten as the morning sun casts a beautiful glowing hue upon his face.
“You really want to hear about it? Even the engagement? I’m surprised.” When he doesn’t say anything, I tell him everything. From my dad being diagnosed with cancer, to the engagement, even the moment I found out of the betrayal.
“You’ve always had a thing against blonds.” He tries to make light of the situation, and I throw a pillow at him.
“Not true!” I exclaim. Although, it is very much true.
“Yes, it is, but it’s okay.” He reaches for me underneath the covers and takes my hand in his. His expression is no longer playful, a frown taking over. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. That guy didn’t deserve you. I mean, in all honesty, no one deserves you.” His words make my heart skip a beat. “I’m even more sorry to hear about your dad. Is he okay now? Is the cancer back? How’s your mom doing? And Dill?” he asks, rapid firing the questions at me.
It’s strange how you can be separated from someone for so long but the moment you’re in their presence again, everything falls right back into place. It’s like no time has passed between us. We just…were and are and always will be.
I’d love to get lost in this moment, to allow myself to fall head over heels for River Jacobs again, but I cannot allow myself to go through this again. Not with him. It didn’t work before, and I can’t set myself up for failure now.
“Where did you go, beautiful?” His husky voice pulls me from my thoughts, and I laugh with uncertainty.
“Sorry, just thinking,” I tell him.
He fingers his hair and doesn’t make eye contact with me, but I stare at his bare chest poking out from beneath my white sheets. “I didn’t expect to run into you. This city is big. What are the chances, you know?”
“Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to see you back in Chicago. I assumed you’d stay out in California forever.” I clear my throat to answer his question about my father—and to change the subject. “My dad’s cancer comes and goes. It shows up in different spots. He likes to say that the cancer just can’t get enough of him.” I find a small laugh deep inside of me and let it out.
River doesn’t pressure me to answer all his questions. Instead, he holds me in his arms, giving me time.
Plus, it’s my turn to ask him questions. I know we need to talk about the way we left things, that we can’t just carry on like it didn’t happen. Right now, though, I’d rather not. My hungover haze starts to lift and I stand, quickly wrapping the bed sheet around me. Turning to River, I catch him staring and smile. “Nothing to see here,” I say.
“Everything to see. You’ve always been beautiful, Ava, but somehow, you’ve gotten strikingly more so. The years between then and now have been absurdly good to you.”
I ignore his compliment because I can’t hear that right now. I can’t allow the lines to become blurred. Not in reality, outside of fiction. Not after what we just did underneath these sheets. Not after what was meant to be my forever had just recently failed. The timing…the timing wasn’t right for us before, and it isn’t now. Again.
“So,” I say, changing the subject. Again. “What about you, still dating that blonde?”
He bursts into uncontrollable laughter, covering his mouth with one hand, and I know I messed up. Shit.
“Been checking up on me, huh?” He smirks, biting down on his bottom lip, and I want to jump on top of him and kiss his beautiful mouth. Of course I’ve seen his social media over the years. We aren’t living in the Stone Age. “Nope, not dating any blondes. Not dating anyone, actually. You know I wouldn’t have come home with you last night if I was.”
“You could have just gotten lost in the moment.” I wink and step into the master bathroom of my apartment and start brushing my teeth.
It isn’t long before I feel him behind me, slipping the sheet onto the floor and locking his hands around my waist. I drop my toothbrush and turn around to face him, and he’s naked, too. I feel him as he grows hard, his eyes not leaving my own.
“I want you again, Ava.” His voice is so low, so gravelly, so fucking sexy. “Round two?”
Track Twenty: Skinny Love
by Bon Iver
RIVER
I left Ava’s apartment after our second sexy go-around. Now, I walk down the city street after parking almost three blocks away from the treatment center, thanks to Chicago’s shitty parking. During my stroll, I think about the feeling of Ava’s skin on mine—a fucking perfect taste of heaven I can’t get out of my mind.
I can’t seem to get over the years that have passed between us and how they’ve done little to change my feelings for her. Sure, there’s been other women, but I’ve never forgotten Ava. Ava and her sweet soul and giggle and understanding nature. Finding a woman who even came close to Ava, who could hold a candle to what I’ve always thought—and known—that she and I shared, had been virtually impossible.
I check my watch; I still have plenty of time to spend with my sister—Ruby—before I have to head to the studio to record. This’ll be my first time seeing her since I’ve come back, and the center has allowed her a pass to go out for breakfast with me this morning.
And yup, the band is still together. The four of us moving out to California brought us even closer than we were as seniors in high school. We’ve practically made band history, going five years without breaking up or swapping out members. We never made it big, but we have been able to make a great side hustle out of it, and the passion keeps us going.
I pull out my phone to text Ava, having traded numbers with her before I left, but decide I should wait a bit. Seeing her again makes me think of a million questions I want to ask her. There are so many things we didn’t get to talk about since I had to leave earlier than I wanted to.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. Hoping it’s Ava, I yank it out and check. It’s a text, from Jackie.
Jackie: Hey. I was just thinking about you and wanted to know if we could hang out.
I don’t reply. I can’t think about Jackie right now, not after last night. Not after reconnecting with Ava.
My guitar is on my back and I’m walking into Ruby’s room at the treatment center for the first time. My palms sweat, tiny beads forming in the center that I wipe away just as she comes into view.
She’s sickly looking, so different from the sister I remember. It’s only been a few years, but she looks decades older.