Carter. It has to be Carter.
I have to believe that. Because right now Indie Anna Accorsi is the only connection I have to him.
I know he was real.
My father told me over and over again that he was just a dream, but I know he was real.
I’m not crazy.
I know he was real.
CHAPTER NINE - McKAY
PRESENT DAY
In bed, we sleep.
Well, she sleeps. I think so, anyway. I can hear her soft, deep breathing. And I recognize it like a fingerprint. There could be a whole room filled with sleeping people and I could find Indie in the dark by her breath alone.
She is flat on her stomach, head turned away from me, cheek pressed into the pillow. I lie on my back, hands behind my head, eyes on the ceiling.
I don’t want this to end but Donovan will be here soon. Maybe an hour. Maybe two. And then this pause will be over.
The ceiling has no answers for me. Just more questions. How did she get here? Where has she been? Who was she with?
But I stare at it anyway because if I look at her—if I allow myself to look at her—then I’ll want to touch her. And this can’t last. We both know this can’t last.
I might belong to her but she doesn’t belong to me. Not me alone, anyway. Adam and Donovan own equal parts of her heart. Even if she does blame Adam for her current situation, she will never be able to detach herself from him. No matter how much she’d like to.
Just like I can’t.
There’s a part of me that still wonders what my life would’ve been like if I had not come to live with the Bouchers. I still wonder if what Mr. Boucher told me was the truth.
But there’s no time to think about my past or my problems with it. Because Indie is back. I have spent the past four years wishing for this day. Hoping she was still alive and she’d come back to us.
And here she is and I can’t even look at her.
Finally, I can’t take it anymore and I turn my head. Stare at the long curve of her spine. Notice the lights and darks that play along the muscles of her back in the moonlight.
I turn onto my side just enough to reach over and trace a long, soft line down her back. And suddenly there is this overwhelming urge to wrap my arms around her. To pull her into my chest and hug her tight. So tight she melds into me. Becomes a part of me. And our hearts merge.
That’s where she belongs. Inside my heart.
I press my head into the pillow and sigh.
“Why are you sighing?”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
She doesn’t turn or even move. Just lies still. I want to keep her like this. Forever. Just crawl on top of her and cover her with my body. Keep her for myself. My captive.
“What do you think is gonna happen now, McKay?”
I can’t answer that. And my heart beats fast, then faster. Because I’m afraid she’ll turn and look at me. And she’ll see what’s behind my eyes. The fear. The longing. The false apologies. The secrets I’m hiding from her. From everyone. “I don’t know,” I finally answer. “We’ll go home, I guess. What else can we do but go home?”
And then she does turn and I suddenly want to cry. A hard rock forms in my throat and just grows bigger and bigger until I’m very sure that I will die.
My eyes become wet and sad.
I’m so fucking sad.
Her hands are tucked under her cheek and her blue eyes are wide open. There is no sadness there though. Because she doesn’t even know that she should be sad.
She reaches out with one hand and places it on my cheek. “Don’t worry. It’s gonna be OK.”
I place my hand over hers and nod. Then I pull her close to me and she scoots in until her breasts are pressing against my chest and both hands grab on to my hair.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” I lie. “I’m fine. How are you?”
“Better.”
This makes me smile. “I’ve missed you, ya know. I’ve been worried about you. I want to know everything.”
She frowns and pouts her lips. Just a little. “You really don’t.”
“Do you remember now?”
“Where I’ve been? Or what I’ve done?”
My heart skips a beat or seven. “Aside from the dog walking?”
“I don’t really remember. I just… I just have a very bad feeling about it.”
I take her hand off my head and hold it. Kiss the back of her knuckles. “We’ll figure it out.”
“Maybe I don’t want to know? I mean”—she looks up into my eyes, searching for something—“if I’m supposed to know, then why do I keep forgetting?”
“You know why. You don’t forget everything. You found your way here. Two weeks ago,” I add. Louder. Sterner. “Why the fuck didn’t you come to me when you got into town?”
“I don’t know. I don’t remember getting here. One day I was just watching you get drinks at the bar.”
“From the inside?”
“Yup. I was there. I kept thinking, He’ll feel me. Ya know? I thought you should be able to feel me watching you. But you didn’t. So I just… stayed in the shadows.”
She’s right. I should’ve known. But it’s been four years since she left. And maybe, that first year, I would’ve. But then… time just kept moving forward and things started to fade. I didn’t exactly forget about her or the past fourteen years of my life. I just… let it slip away. Into the dark background. Into the shadows.
And that’s where she was. Right there in the darkest corners of my memories. Close, but unseen.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve felt you. But you’re here now and you’re not leaving again.”
“You don’t know that. I don’t even know that.”
“I’m not gonna let you, Indie. It’s not safe.”
“Safe. What the hell is safe, anyway? There’s no such thing. And besides”—she pauses to smile, like this is a joke—“I’m still here. And I’m all yours. At the moment. Don’t waste it, McKay. We might not ever get this chance again.”
I know what she means. It’s not a threat. She’s not saying she’s gonna disappear again, though she might. She means Donovan will be here soon and then she will stop being mine and become ours. And eventually, Adam will be here too. Or we’ll be there. Back at Old Home and all together. And that’s it as far as McKay and Indie go.
Because like it or not, she is his.
Indie reaches down with her hand and finds my cock. “One more time?” She squeezes it until I feel the blood rushing towards the tip.
If I thought I could get away with it, I’d pick her up, take her down to my truck, drive away, and never look back.
But I know better.
“Sure,” I say, leaning in to kiss her.
It starts soft. Gentle, feathery kisses with no tongue. Because I just want to be soft with her. But I can’t control it. The urges inside me take over. I want to claim her and possess her. I want to take her away from here. Take her away from Donovan and Adam and hold her next to me forever.
We weren’t like this before. We weren’t a couple. We weren’t a foursome, either. Except for that one time, that’s not how it was. But if she stays… now that she’s older… I don’t understand how any of this will ever work.