I chase him across the dance room, planting a hand on his shoulder. He turns around. He looks ragged and heartbroken, and I think it’s because of me. I want it to be because of me. What kind of person does that make me?
“What’s eating you, Daria Followhill, queen bee, cheer captain, and the most popular girl in the county?”
My family.
My friends.
My secrets.
My insecurities.
My errors and mistakes and past.
And you. You bury me so deep in feelings I can’t even explain.
“Melody stopped coming to my room. It used to be our thing. Every night since I was born, she would give me a kiss good night. I think she stopped loving me,” I tell him, and when I do, I realize it’s not a lie. It’s a numbing notion inhabiting every cell in my body. My mother doesn’t love me anymore.
I made someone programmed to adore me unconditionally forget all about me.
“She loves you.” He slides the back of his hand against my throat, staring deep into my eyes. “But you hate yourself, so it doesn’t matter.”
I snort.
“I love myself. Look at me. I’m Daria Followhill.” I motion to my body with my hands. He shakes his head. He’s not buying it.
Wordlessly, he pushes me toward the mirror in front of us. Standing behind me, he jerks my chin up so I have to look at myself. At us. He’s over a head taller than me. Broad and muscular like a Greek god. His face is sharper, more symmetrical than mine. His charisma is blowing up this room, and I’m standing here, casing most of his body yet barely drawing any attention to mine.
“When I look in the mirror, I see an orphan. A football player. A student. A grieving brother. A guy whose dream is to attend Notre Dame so he can escape the shithole that’s his life and break the poverty cycle. I know who I am. But who are you? Tell me what you see, Daria.” His breath fans across my hair. “Help me get into this beautiful, awful head of yours.”
My hand travels to my stomach, and I grab a thin tire of fat.
“I’m too curvy.”
My hand flies to my face, a finger rolling over my nose.
“My nose is too small, and my eyes are too big. And my hair always looks hella dry.”
“What else?” he asks. His hand travels to my pajama shorts and snakes into them, his fingers tracing my slit through my panties. “Confide in me, my hideous little monster.”
I snort out a laugh, shaking my head. I want to tell him to stop. That he has a girlfriend and a child and I’m not like that. A Jerry Springer-style homewrecker. But for the first time since yesterday, I feel seen.
“I’m the most jealous and petty person I know,” I admit.
“That’s because you live inside yourself.” He kisses my neck, and I let him. I’m so weak and pathetic. “What else?”
“My soul is black, Penn. When I see competition, I smash it before it grows. I’m so vindictive.”
“No, Daria, you are so human. That’s what you are.”
My toes leave the floor as he tugs my panties aside, his hand shoved deep inside my shorts, and he starts fingering me with two fingers, his thumb playing with my clit. I moan and roll my head over his chest, closing my eyes and letting myself drift somewhere only we exist. My ass grinds against his erection, and I love feeling how hot he is for me.
“Your insecurities are the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” He bites my earlobe softly, and when I open my eyes, I see that he is still staring at us in the mirror.
Of course, he’d feast on my weaknesses. Why wouldn’t he? It makes him stronger in our screwed-up relationship.
My knees give out, and my hips buck forward as he fingers me faster and deeper, then a door whines open upstairs, and heavy footfalls descend the basement stairs.
“Marx.” I gasp, turning around and pushing Penn away. I look left and right helplessly, my eyes landing on the en suite bathroom of the studio. I shove him inside and slam the door behind him at the same time the studio door flies open and my dad steps in.
Shit, shit, shit.
I’m so busted. I pull my shirt down to cover a very prominent spot of lust on my shorts. My body shivers from the impending orgasm.
“Everything okay?” My dad frowns. “Went to get a glass of water and heard some talking.”
“I’m alone!” I exclaim.
Real smooth, idiot.
I push my hair back, clearing my throat. “All alone, as you can see.”
My smile is so tight it might tear through my skin. Dad jerks his chin toward the bathroom.
No. Please, no.
“Open the bathroom door, Daria.”
“Dad…”
“Now.”
I walk over to the bathroom and open it, stepping aside. He is still by the door all the way across the room, but he has a good view of the majority of the bathroom.
“Open the bath curtain.”
“Are you serious right now?”
“Don’t stall. It’s all fun and games until there’s a boy in the house who wants to get into my little girl’s pants.”
I know it’s foolish, but my heart is dancing in my chest at the reminder that he actually cares. Bracing myself and taking a deep breath, knowing he is about to see Penn, I open the curtain in one go. But Penn isn’t there. I bite down on my lower lip to hide my shock, then turn around back to Dad and shrug.
“Accept my apologies, princess.” He smirks. “And while you’re at it, stay away from boys.”
“Fine.”
“I mean, forever.”
“Go away, Dad.”
“Go to bed. Daddy loves you.”
As soon as he shuts the door, I re-enter the bathroom, looking around frantically. There’s no window, so where on earth is Penn?
“Down here, hideous little monster.” I hear a chuckle.
He is fully clothed, lying in the bathtub, smiling up at me with that grin that can crack up the sky and pull the sun closer.
“Move,” I growl, stepping in with him.
We lie there, him hugging me in the tub, until we drift asleep. There’s no more talking or fingering or kissing. Just the two of us, soaked in something wrong that feels so right.
At half past four, his alarm goes off. We both fumble back to our rooms, and when we reach our doors, his closes with a hiss, not a slam. I smile to myself.
Small victories.
I hate lying to your face
But I love watching what I can do to you
When my mouth says things
That undo you
The next day, I help my mother in the kitchen. She takes out a vegetable casserole from the oven at the same time I’m chopping a tomato for a salad.
“That looks like way too many vegetables and not enough meat. Right, Scully?” Dad walks through the front door and into the kitchen and plants a kiss on my forehead, then on Mel’s lips. Bailey is excused from helping today because she has an exam tomorrow, and besides, Melody says her grueling ballet schedule has left her extra tired.
“Damn straight, sir.” Penn waltzes into the house behind him, still in his football gear. I check the time on the grandfather clock across the room. Seven forty-five. Something kept him in San Diego for an extra hour after practice. Someone, maybe. Addy, probably.