“Miles.” I don’t even try to disguise the tears in my voice. “Look at me.”
He leans his head back against the wall, but he can’t look me in the eyes. “I’m sorry I blamed you. You lost him, too. I didn’t know how else to deal with it back then.”
My words completely break him, and I’m consumed with guilt over allowing six years to pass without letting him hear those words. He leans over and wraps his arms tightly around me, pulling me against him. I let him hold me.
He holds me for a long time, until all the apologies and forgiveness are absorbed and it’s just us again. No tears.
I would be lying if I said I never think about what I did to him. I think about it every day. But I was eighteen and devastated, and nothing mattered to me after that night.
Nothing.
I just wanted to forget, but every morning I woke up and didn’t feel Clayton by my side, I blamed Miles. I blamed him for saving me, because I had no reason left to live. I also knew in my heart that Miles did what he could. I knew in my heart that it was never his fault, but at that point in my life, I wasn’t capable of rational thought or even forgiveness. At that point in my life, I was convinced I wouldn’t be capable of anything at all but feeling pain.
Those feelings never wavered for more than three years.
Until the day I met Brad.
I don’t know who Miles has, but the familiar struggle in his eyes proves there’s someone. I used to see the same struggle every time I looked in the mirror, unsure if I had it in me to love again.
“Do you love her?” I ask him. I don’t need to know her name. We’re beyond that now. I know he isn’t here because he’s still in love with me. He’s here because he doesn’t know how to love at all.
He sighs and rests his chin on top of my head. “I’m scared I won’t be able to.”
Miles kisses the top of my head, and I close my eyes. I listen to his heart beating inside his chest. A heart he’s claiming isn’t capable of knowing how to love, but in actuality, it’s a heart that loves too much. He loved so much, and that one night took it away from us. Changed our worlds. Changed his heart.
“I used to cry all the time,” I tell him. “All the time. In the shower. In the car. In my bed. Every time I was alone, I would cry. For those first couple of years, my life was constant sadness, penetrated by nothing. Not even good moments.”
I feel his arms wrap tighter around me, silently telling me he knows. He knows exactly what I’m talking about.
“Then when I met Brad, I found myself having these brief moments where my life wasn’t sad every second of the day. I would go somewhere with him in a car, and I’d realize it was my first time in a car without crying at least one tear. The nights we would spend together were the only nights I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep. For the first time, this impenetrable sadness that had become me was being broken by the brief, good moments I spent with Brad.”
I pause, needing a moment. I haven’t had to think about this in a while, and the emotions and feelings are too fresh. Too real. I pull away from Miles and lean back against the wall, then rest my head on his shoulder. He tilts his head until it’s resting against mine and grabs my hand, intertwining our fingers.
“After a while, I began to notice that the good moments with Brad began to outweigh all the sadness. The sadness that was my life became the moments, and my happiness with Brad became my life.”
I feel him exhale, and I know he knows what I’m talking about. I know that whoever she is, he’s had those good moments with her.
“For the entire nine months I was pregnant with Claire, I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to cry from happiness when I saw her. Right after she was born, they handed her to me, just like they did when Clayton was born. Claire looked just like him, Miles. Just like him. I was staring down at her, holding her in my arms, and tears were running down my cheeks. But I was crying good tears, and I realized at that moment that they were the first tears of happiness I had cried since the day I held Clayton in my arms.”
I wipe my eyes and let go of his hand, then lift my head off his shoulder. “You deserve that, too,” I tell him. “You deserve to feel that again.”
He nods. “I want to love her so much, Rachel,” he says, breathing out the words like they’ve been pent up forever. “I want that with her so much. I’m just scared the rest of it will never go away.”
“The pain will never go away, Miles. Ever. But if you let yourself love her, you’ll only feel it sometimes, instead of allowing it to consume your entire life.”
He wraps his arm around me and pulls my forehead against his lips. He kisses me, long and hard, before pulling back. He nods, letting me know that he understands what I’m trying to explain to him.
“You’ve got this, Miles,” I say, repeating the same words he used to comfort me with. “You’ve got this.”
He laughs, and it’s as if I can feel some of the heaviness lift away from him.
“You know what I was most afraid of tonight?” he asks. “I was afraid that when I got here, you’d be just like me.” He brushes my hair back and smiles. “I’m so happy you’re not. It makes me feel good to see you happy.”
He pulls me to him and hugs me tightly. “Thank you, Rachel,” he whispers. He kisses me gently on the cheek before releasing me to stand up. “I should probably go now. I have a million things I want to tell her.”
He makes his way down the hallway toward the living room, then turns to face me one last time. I no longer see all the sad parts of him. Now I just see a calmness when I look in his eyes.
“Rachel?” He pauses, watching me quietly for a moment. A peaceful smile slowly spreads across his face. “I’m so proud of you.”
He disappears from the hallway, and I remain on the floor until I hear the front door close behind him.
I’m proud of you, too, Miles.
chapter thirty-eight
TATE
I close the door to my car and walk to the stairs leading up to the second floor of my apartment complex. I’m relieved not to have to use the elevator anymore, but I can’t help but miss Cap a little bit, even if his advice didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me the majority of the time. It was nice just having him there to vent to. I’ve been keeping myself busy with work and school, trying to stay focused, but it’s been hard.
I’ve been in my new apartment for two weeks now, and even though I wish I were alone, I never am. Every time I walk in through my front door, Miles is still everywhere. He’s still in everything, and I keep waiting until he’s not. I keep waiting for the day when it will hurt less. When I won’t miss him as much.
I would say my heart is broken, but it’s not. I don’t think it is. Actually, I wouldn’t know, because my heart hasn’t been in my chest since I left it lying in front of his apartment the day I told him good-bye.
I tell myself to take it one day at a time, but it’s so much easier said than done. Especially when those days turn into nights, and I have to lie in my bed alone, listening to the silence.
The silence was never so loud until I told Miles good-bye.
I’m already dreading opening my apartment door, and I’m not even halfway up the stairwell yet. I can already tell this night isn’t going to be any different from all the other nights since Miles. I reach the top of the stairs and turn left toward my apartment, but my feet stop working.