“Skylar, honey,” Melanie’s quiet voice came through the door. “Ten more minutes, and it’s showtime.”
I could hear how much it pained her to say that. How much she struggled with this wedding, and my relationship with Nico, but was doing her best to put a big smile on her face and pretend she was happy so that she could make this easier for me. Granted, she did say in a moment of weakness as we were driving here.
“Just say the word, babe, and I’ll turn around and drive us to the middle of nowhere where no
one can find us.”
When I stayed silent and watched the trees as we drove by, she took my hand in hers and squeezed.
“Just say the word, Skylar,” she implored, but again, I said nothing.
And I never did say anything. Not in the numerous times people in my life begged me to open my mouth and ask for help. I just took the hits, of all kinds, and kept on going. I had to. I was terrified that if I stopped, even for a second, all would be lost. I would be lost.
A long time ago, around when I was five years old, and life dealt me an ultimate blow, I decided to hold my head high and keep on going. The pain that ruled my tiny body when I lost them was nothing I ever wanted to feel again. It was easier just to shut down and push through all the bad. I would get to the good someday. I was paying in advance for the beauty that had to be waiting for me. It was the only explanation as to why I lost so much so early in life.
As time went by and the punches kept coming, it made even more sense. And that brought me here. I lost so much control over my life that hardly anything was what I wanted anymore. Including the wedding gown I was wearing. I wanted satin, but it had to be lace. I wanted wide straps and no train, but it had to be spaghetti straps and a train. In the end, it turned out beautiful. But that was only after I fought tooth and nail to make it as I saw fit, while still obliging the guidelines that Nico and his Mom presented me with. Mermaid silhouette with a heart neckline at the front, open back, making a V that dipped almost to the small of my back. Just below my bottom, the mush of material flared out and into the small train. The whole dress was made out of lace that had big white roses stretched across. The kickass part of the dress was finished with eyelash detailing all around the neckline, back, and hem.
I had my long, usually straight, strawberry hair curled up into the loose waves, and the front of it pulled back and secured with four big white roses, with the rest hanging loose. My phone vibrated again in my hand, but I didn’t look at the message. Instead, I took five steps that brought me to the small, circular table that only had a crystal vase in it. Without thinking, I snatched the bouquet that was in the vase. I barely looked at it. I knew how it looked. Yep, more white roses, but I paired it with lots of greenery, eucalyptus and just a touch of baby’s breath that had more green than white in them. It was extravagant. I wanted smaller, but as with everything else, I didn’t get what I wanted. It was huge, and it spilled over my arm. I turned and not looking anywhere but in front of me, not thinking about anything but my next step, I came to the doors, pulled them open and marched right through.
When she saw me, Melanie couldn’t quite hide the look of disappointment. A look that was quickly replaced by the one of awe.
“Babe, you look,” her eyes took a second and a half to wash over me before she breathed. “Exquisite.”
I didn’t say anything. I was still only thinking about my next step. I reached out with my hand, grabbed hers and quickly squeezed before I carried on. That's what I did. I carried on.
“Okay, we have a few more minutes before you have to go inside, so I want…” I didn’t hear what else she said. She stopped talking abruptly.
I knew why. I turned left instead of right and got to another door. I put my hand on the door handle and stopped. Could I actually do this? Could I for once not just carry on, but do what is right? Do what I want? What everything inside me was screaming for almost five years I should do?
“Go!”
I looked at my longtime best friend. She had tears in her eyes, and her hands were clasped in front of her mouth.
“Go!” she repeated.
I gave her a small smile, the only thing I was capable of at the moment, turned and walked through the door right into the sunshine. The moment the door closed behind me, I bent, took hold of the short train, and started power walking. If I could, I would run. But I had high heels, and it wouldn’t look classy if someone saw a bride running from the church.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I heard just as I was rounding a corner.
I knew that voice.
I both hated and loved that voice.
It was Vinny, one of Nico’s friends that were always around him.
Vinny, the one that looked at me with a strange look on his face. But also took me aside and asked me gently if I needed help. Vinny, the one that, after Nico gave him a look, would grind his teeth so hard his jaw muscles would jump and then went somewhere. I hated those moments.
I knew what they meant. I was burying my head in the sand. I wasn’t stupid.
“I need to get her out of here,” I could barely hear the words, but the roughness of the voice vibrated through me.
“Who?” Vinny straightened from the car, putting one hand on the top, the other gripped the window.
I looked behind me, scared half to death that someone figured out I was not where I was supposed to be. I had no idea how much time had passed, and I only knew I had minutes.
I needed to go!
And Vinny was standing between me and whoever was waiting for me in that car.
If I was thinking straight, this was the moment I would stop and think about what I was doing. I was getting ready to jump in some stranger’s car and trust him to take me away. If I took a moment to think, I would never leave the church.
But I wasn’t thinking straight. I was only thinking about the fact that somehow, Jacob found a way to communicate with me. And the only thing he had to say was to leave. So, I had to go. And I had to go now.
I hiked my dress even higher, my phone digging into my palm, the lace cutting off the circulation in my fingers. And I ran. Vinny was still standing by the side of the car, staring inside, looking in with a fierce look on his face, clearly unhappy, when I got to the door. I opened the door and gave the doubt a chance to penetrate for half a second. In that minuscule amount of time, I looked up and was met with eyes that I knew could be both incredibly gentle and terrifyingly scary.
The moment Vinny got my eyes, the frustration in his melted away, and he was by my side in a flash. One second, he was standing on the opposite side of the car; the next, he was prying my hand that still had a death grip on the phone from the door and gently depositing me in the seat.
I could swear he kissed my head before he straightened, looked beyond me with an intense look back on his face, and then, just a blink later, he closed the door and off we went.
We drove for a long time. All that time he didn’t say a word. Neither did I. I didn’t even look to see who was behind the wheel. I was too scared. The irrational thought ran through my head on a loop. I convinced myself it was a test Nico organized, and I failed. And would pay the price.