“Did it?”
He laughs, but it’s humorless. I hate it.
“On some things, sure, but on others I’ve never been more confused.”
I pull a paper napkin off the table, and my fingers twist and pull at the cheap material.
“What about your dad?”
“He’s a flake, Em. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s definitely made some mistakes. He enlightened me to how he was when he was with Mum. From what he told me, I can’t say I blame her for keeping me from him.”
“Did he hurt her?” I can’t help but ask.
Reeve shakes his head. “Not in the way you’re thinking. But emotionally, yeah he fucked her up. He was never around, partook in partying and drugs. He didn’t want to grow up, even when she did. So, she left and now I’ve had time to understand, I can’t say I blame her.”
“You’re just upset with her for keeping it a secret from you?”
“Exactly. He’s got his own demons to deal with, and I can’t fully brush him off for them, but I also know that I will never fully be able to rely on him.”
“I’m really sorry, Reeve. That can’t have been easy.”
“It wasn’t, but it needed to happen. Even though the entire thing is fucked, knowing he didn’t abandon me makes it a little easier to swallow. So many bridges were burned in the past few months, with being angry at my mum, leaving my brother in the dark, and pushing you away. I needed this stark wake-up call to see how much I had fucked up. I just hate that it came at a cost. You. I thought keeping everything close to my chest would protect everyone else, but that couldn’t have been less true.”
“So I take it you’ve spoken to your brother?”
Reeve nods. “I didn’t last more than two weeks with my dad. I took the first flight I could to see Louis. I explained everything, and we had words. To say the least, he was pissed, but his anger also gave me a lot of clarity. Louis isn’t exactly the quiet type, not afraid to let me know when I’m being an epic fuckup.” He laughs, but it’s sad, not a trace of humor. “He reminds me a lot of you, Em.”
“He’s a smart kid,” I reply.
His eyelids clench, those green orbs disappearing momentarily.
“I’m really sorry I left, Em. I’m sorry I let you down.”
Pulling my hands away from the napkin, I face him. “I won’t lie. When you left, it crushed me, but the month apart also gave me serious perspective on my life, Reeve.”
His head moves up and down, as if he’s hopeful his explanation will fix things. It makes my gut twist, but I know I need to do what’s best for us both in the long run. I just can’t be sure he won’t leave me again.
“I love you, Reeve. That’s not a secret, but I don’t think loving you is good for me. I don’t think it’s good for either of us.”
He flinches, his eyes narrowing.
“When I was a teenager, I thought the world of you. I still do, but back then I had this fantasy of you realizing you felt the same way, and us running off together.” I laugh, and it’s sad, lacking life.
“But that’s what it was, Reeve. A teenage fantasy, teenage delusions drawn out into adulthood. I’m not saying what we have right now isn’t real. It is. But I can’t compare it to what I felt when I was younger—hell, what I felt a few months ago. Because we were friends and I wanted more, but I hadn’t experienced more with you, so everything I based us on was fantasy. You didn’t give me what I wanted, and I got angry, I shut you out. And then when you finally came to me it was bliss, only for me to be shut out this time. I think I put so much pressure on us because I was relying on the vision sixteen-year-old me had. But twenty-three-year-old me knows better.”
I take a deep breath, readying myself to crush his hope, crush us. But it is what’s best.
“This back and forth, it’s not healthy. I’ll always love some part of you, but I think it’s time we both move on, accept we gave it a good go, but it wasn’t meant to be.” I reach across the table to grab his hand. The action probably seems as if I’m trying to break it to him easily, but my reality is that I need his stability.
“I don’t want to ruin our friendship over this, Reeve. I know it will be painful, but I think we can move through this and still be friends. This doesn’t have to ruin everything.”
He pulls his hand out of mine. The only word I can use to describe his expression is “shock.”
“So, what you’re telling me is you want to be friends.” Laced with disbelief, his voice is low and choppy.
I nod, even though it takes everything in my body to do it. Of course, I don’t want to just be friends with him, but the thought of him breaking my heart again and having to cut him out forever is one I can’t bear.
“So you’ll be okay with me dating another woman?” He sits back, crossing his arms, his stare like a cross-examination.
“Um, yep,” I lie, my voice slightly squeaky.
“And okay with me marrying her and having her children?”
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
“Uh, of course.” Nope. Nope. Nope.
“Hm,” he mutters to himself.
“Okay then, Em. Let’s be friends.” The words sound bitter on his tongue, but my shoulders sag with relief regardless.
“Great!” I chirp. It’s bullshit and we both know it, but I’ll take what I can get right now. “Okay, well, I have to get going, I’m on deadline, but I’m glad we sorted this out.” My voice is croaky as I grab my bag, steadying myself on the corner of the table. Reeve stays seated, his head tracking my movements as I leave. Lord knows I can’t get out of here fast enough.
“I mean, was it awkward?” Stana asks through the phone as I weave through the busy streets of Covent Garden. I don’t know what I was thinking coming here on a Saturday at lunchtime—it’s tourist central.
“I don’t know if ‘awkward’ is the word to use,” I reply, hopping over a puddle, ensuring I don’t ruin my new boots. “It was more a nervous tension in the air. I’m not used to awkward moments with Reeve—that’s never been us. I’m just not sure what you would call what happened between us.”
“But just so we’re clear, he said he loved you?” I can practically hear the romance oozing through Stana’s voice. The lass probably thinks I’m right mad for telling Reeve to take a hike in the romance department. But self-preservation is a nasty friend and she’s here to stay this time.
“Yes, he did, but he’s so flighty, Stana. He says it one minute, but how do I know he even means it? I’m not saying he’s lying, per se, just maybe he thinks he’s in love with me because of all that time we spent together. If I take him back and he bails again, that would be the fourth time. I can’t in good conscience do that to myself. Sugary words only mean so much; actions are proof.”
“So, what, you’re waiting for him to show you he loves you before you take him back?” I can hear a note of humor in her voice, and it irks me.
“Of course not. There will be no taking him back. We’re finished. Friends is the best spot for us right now.”