Any debate was short-lived. I knew exactly which one he was, but would it make any difference? Probably not. My body responded to Tamir unlike any other man, and I wanted to give in to that sensation. I’d been drowning in anxiety and desperation for far too long. I wanted to revel in the insistent yearning he stirred in my belly. Let go of my discipline and connect with someone, even if only physically. It could mean my downfall, but the promise of temporary pleasure was an overwhelming temptation to this starving woman.
My thoughts took me on a sickening Nascar loop of debate, round and round in circles. I told myself that just because Tamir made me feel uneasy didn’t mean he was bad. Then I reminded myself what happened the last time I ignored my instincts. I was drawn to a dark place I almost didn’t escape. I certainly didn’t want to walk that same path, which led to convincing myself that just because Tamir affected me didn’t mean it had to lead to anything. That was followed by a solid ten minutes of fantasizing about what it would feel like if we did go down that path. When I finally snapped out of my lust-drunk haze, I was back at the beginning, trying to find a way to convince myself Tamir wasn’t a threat. That the smoke surrounding him was merely a trick of the eye and wasn’t a sign of fire.
The fact that I had to debate at all gave me my answer. Perhaps if there’d been no foreseeable negatives to befriending him, I could have considered letting him in. Opening up about my life was far too risky on its own, let alone opening up to a man who was potentially dangerous in his own right.
He was off-limits, no matter how badly his chiseled good looks and intriguing aura tempted me. He was my instructor and nothing more.
I didn’t even have to continue training at the same studio. I could switch to another gym at any time. Of course, the possibility wasn’t even worth mentioning because I knew I’d never do it. I wasn’t even sure I had the strength to keep Tamir at bay, let alone walk away entirely. Being near him made me feel something more than just anxiety, which had been my constant companion for months. The electricity between us made me feel alive. Energized. Instead of trudging through each day in survival mode, seeing him gave me something to look forward to, even if it was just admiring the way his arms were corded with muscle.
I had assumed my interest was one-sided, but after our exchange the evening before, it was clear I wasn’t the only one affected. For the briefest moment, I had been certain he was going to kiss me. His body went rigid with restraint, and my lips practically tasted the salt from his.
It had taken all my self-discipline and a dash of fear to shake free of the spell and walk away. From that moment on, I’d been asking myself one question: how far would it have gone if I hadn’t run?
And that was why my boss had been scowling at me for the past two hours. My brain had punched the time clock and refused to go back on duty. However, the city had come alive the second roadway officials cleared the snow from the streets. After only one night of being forced inside, the residents of New York were out in droves. Customers had filled the restaurant since four p.m., something that shouldn’t have fazed me in the slightest, but I’d struggled to keep up.
“Earth to Emily. Come in, Emily. Did you hear anything I said?”
“Huh?” I spun around to face Olivia, who stood with her hands on her hips and a single eyebrow arched high on her forehead. “Did you say something? I’m so sorry. I didn’t hear you.”
“No kidding.” She laughed. “Where have you been today? Because it sure hasn’t been here. You’ve been staring at the computer for ten solid minutes.”
“Ay, chinga! Are you serious?” I started to spin toward the front of the restaurant, but Olivia stopped me.
“Don’t worry, I already checked on your tables before I came back to see where you were.”
I breathed out a sigh, and my eyelids drifted shut. “Thanks, Liv. I’m sorry I’ve been so distracted today. I think your dad’s ready to strangle me.” I glanced back at the kitchen, hoping my boss wasn’t aware that I’d screwed up for the tenth time today.
“Don’t worry about him. He was born grumpy. What’s going on with you? You’ve never been this distracted.”
Olivia was a sweet kid. Although she was only six years younger than me, I still thought of her as a kid. She was far more innocent than I’d ever been. Her parents owned and operated the restaurant. They adored their only child, and while they made her work with them by waiting tables, she was given everything her heart desired. Olivia saw the good in everyone because she’d never been exposed to the bad. She couldn’t even fathom the evil that existed in the dark corners of the world.
Our proximity in age meant nothing. For all intents and purposes, Olivia was a child, and I was far older than my years would suggest. It made keeping her at arm’s length a bit easier. She was the one person in the city I called a friend, but we could only get so close without my secrets being unearthed. It was safer for me and the people around me if my past stayed buried.
“It’s nothing,” I assured her. “I ended up training alone with my instructor yesterday and—”
“Oh my God, is he cute?”
See? Naïve in every way. My first reaction would have been worry that he’d done something inappropriate. She was chasing butterflies in a field of wildflowers while I was batting at shadows in a dusky cave. In this particular instance, she was more correct than I would have been, but that wouldn’t always be the case.
“He’s not bad-looking but dating him would be a terrible idea.”
“Why? Does he have a crazy ex or something?”
I chuckled and shook my head. “No. Well, I guess I don’t know, but I doubt it. It’s just that he’s ex-military and super intense, and I’m not sure I want to get into any kind of relationship so soon after moving.”
“Some of those military guys can be scary,” she said with wide eyes. “PTSD and all that stuff. Was he in combat?”
“I have no idea. I really don’t know him at all, certainly not enough for him to be distracting me as badly as he has been. He could be a modern-day Jack the Ripper for all I know.”
Liv stared at me as though I’d grown a second head. “Why on earth would you say that?”
“Because, Liv, not everyone is who they seem to be. Trust me on that.”
Before I could get another word out, a loud sound exploded from outside. I grabbed Olivia and yanked her down with me to the ground. My hand slid down my shirt to pull out a switchblade from my bra, clicking it open in one swift motion. The dining room quieted for the briefest second, then the distinct chatter of conversation and the clinking of dishes resumed as if nothing had happened, leaving me hunched on the ground holding a knife like a lunatic.
A car backfired. That was all it had been, but I’d acted as if there was a live shooter on a rampage.
When I met Olivia’s gaze, she wasn’t just looking at me as though I’d gone crazy. Now, her stare was infused with worry. I released my hold on her, and we both stood.
“Em, what the hell was that?”
“It just startled me, that’s all. I better check on my tables. Thanks for covering for me, Liv, I owe you.” I hurried back out to the dining area, unwilling to give her an explanation or time for any more questions. It didn’t matter if Olivia was a work acquaintance or my new best friend; I wasn’t opening up to anyone about the past.