‘Yeah, I don’t think I’d be into it.’
I was into it.
Hi, daddies.
Leaving John was always a bit weird. We’d exchange a way too long of a hug. I’d never know if we were supposed to kiss at some point, but it would never quite happen.
Except this time, I wouldn’t spend time dwelling on it. I was too curious to open up the app store. If there was an app out there that would make the process of scouting willing-to-pay idiots a lot easier, who was I to deny myself such a helping hand? It was also very sleekly designed, so that made it very pleasing to look at. Had to create a username. I believed in branding, so I kept my name and uploaded my best shirtless photo.
It was a good enough photo for me not to be ashamed in case I ever became famous and it surfaced from the dark depths of the internet.
It was one of those rare photographs to treasure dearly because of how well light, filters and shadows seemed to have cooperated that one time.
The profile was being set. I wrote mostly truths on the ‘about me’ section. Avid reader, semi-regular gym-goer, animal lover, likes travelling and all the bullshit people want to hear.
In reality, people want to hear how quickly you crumble emotionally when shit goes down and how much of an annoyance you’ll be to them. Or whether you’d still put their sweaty balls in your mouth when you’re having a depressive episode. That’d be real stuff.
I wasn’t too far from home. I was planning to activate my spanking new Seeking Arrangement account and hopefully come back to a few requests.
I really wanted to be able to get something for Sara after all. I was so sick of being the friend that never gets anyone a present because of, well, poverty.
I had a little chilled evening planned with my flatmate Andrew.
We’d try to spend some time together in front of Netflix and just enjoy each other’s company. I really missed that intimacy with someone, to just sit next to each other and not necessarily say anything. Also, it would make for an extremely cheap dinner as Andrew would buy absolutely everything, wine included. He was very attentive at how shit my finances were, and he was happy to help. He could have charged a lot more to a stranger for my bedroom, but he was my saviour in my time of need, and I was very grateful to him. And my other friends. Regardless of how inadequate their lifestyles would make me feel.
I was just about to get my keys out and there it was. A text from Jake.
‘When are you free for a chat this week?’
My heart was pounding. I didn’t appreciate confrontation. Some people feed off it, but I was an only child. Didn’t have to fight for much. I may have been born with only a few resources, but they were usually all directed to me.
Fights with Jake were tough. I had such a hard time expressing myself that I usually wouldn’t be able to say anything.
I wished there was a way to re-do arguments. With more preparation and research, I could have been the king of debates.
Unfortunately, that’s not how life works. People like me just hear the accusations.
I was being dumped one more time, this time for good. I was shaking with anger but couldn’t do anything.
‘Sorry, I am late,’ said a panting voice from behind.
I could hear the clinking sound of multiple glass bottles in a grocery bag. Andrew was running towards me with goodies.
‘Hello gorgeous,’ I said, putting my arm around him.
He was wearing grey sweatpants and flip flops.
‘Are you wearing one of my caps?’ I asked, entertained.
‘Yeah, I’m incognito. My hair is a mess. I fell asleep watching shit on Netflix and only just woke up. Was meant to be well into the dinner preparation process, but hey, better late than never.’
I proceeded to open our front door.
‘You okay?’ he asked, noticing my absentness.
‘I am very good. Your look makes me deeply happy.’ I smiled. I hated seeing him worry.
‘Oh, fuck off. Is curry alright? There wasn’t much at the store. Forgot we had nothing at home and the big shop is closed.’
We walked upstairs.
We lived on the first floor. We shared the building with another three flats, but I’d rarely see any other people. Such a contrast from my previous life, where neighbours would actually put Christmas cards and biscuits in your post box.
I wondered for a second if they were still addressing them to ‘Jake, Leo and Squall.’
I wonder if they had noticed Marc coming and going from the flat yet.
‘Oi. Why are you being so quiet? I want none of this sad shit tonight. It’s my evening and I want to vent,’ he said, juggling all his grocery bags.
‘Nothing. I am just preparing all the jokes for when you take my cap off and I get to see whatever the hell is going on with your stupid hair.’ I smiled. ‘It’s just excitement coming from me. By the way, do you need help with those bags?’
‘Too late, Leo.’ He shrugged and smiled.
I opened our front door. The house was spotless, even though he had probably been napping for three hours.
‘Has the cleaner been?’ I wondered.
‘Nah, I was bored. Was on the phone with my sister and she wouldn’t shut up about her husband, so I put some headphones on and vacuumed. She didn’t even notice the noise,’ he said, putting the bags on the table. ‘Right, I’m going to start chopping all this crap. Can you pour the wine, pick some music and keep me company in the kitchen?’
Good trade.
I put my phone on a dock with the first ‘chill playlist’ available on Spotify and I launched myself onto the first bottle. It had a cork.
‘Are we celebrating something?’ I asked.
‘No, you know I hate shit wine. And I swear it only takes you two extra seconds to use a corkscrew.’
‘I could get hammered within those two extra seconds. Speaking of which, did you go out last night?’
‘Oh. Ha! I have been on a shit date.’ He rolled his eyes.
‘Tell me more,’ I said while pouring two hefty glasses.
Andrew was just as unlucky as John when it came to dating. It was like all the weirdos were conspiring to make both of their lives semi-miserable.
I’d introduce them, but I had a slight crush on John—mainly platonic, but he was just that hot friend you kind of always want to bang. The idea of him having sex with another of my friends was terrifying.
‘Oh, he was just really odd and off-putting. He cussed quite a lot.’
My face contorted in confusion.
‘I swear constantly,’ I said.
‘I don’t know. Maybe I am just too used to you. But also, he was a bit too “masc” for my liking?’
If there was ever such a thing.
‘Really? Since when are you bothered by that?’
Andrew was a terrible kisser and a very passive bottom. You’d think an alpha guy would be right up his alley. Or his bumhole.
‘Yeah, but I don’t watch sports or play them. Also, I looked like a gremlin next to him. I should really go to the gym or something.’
‘We tried that,’ I interrupted him. ‘You nearly threw up.’
He also took a sip of wine.
‘I did throw up. But I do want a hot body. Why does it have to be so hard?’
He loved a good whine.
‘I don’t know if I want to see him again. What if I have to get naked in front of him?’ he asked.