“Why would ye give it tae her, Kaitlyn? Ye ken tis a verra important and dangerous book—”
I threw my hands up exasperated. “I don’t know why! I felt like giving her a peace offering.”
“She daena need a peace offering. She needed tae be told tae help us—”
“You made it sound like she was on our side, like she was safe!”
“She is still dangerous. I hae her under control but tis a verra guarded control.”
“Fuck.”
Lizbeth and Liam walked up the path from the direction of the village.
“How are ye, Kaitlyn? The bairn are in the nursery?”
“Yes, they’re with Emma.”
She looked from my face to Magnus’s. “Liam and I hae been visitin’ Young Laomann’s croft, he dinna bring his family tae the castle during the siege, so we were worried.”
Magnus asked, “Are they well?”
“Well enough and safe.”
Liam said, “Young Magnus, we also looked in on Auld Jimmy, he tells us Black Mac has beaten him?”
Magnus said, “Auld Jimmy beat Madame Beaty in front of her husband. Black Mac wanted tae return the beatin’, twas within his rights, as ye ken, but then Auld Jimmy tried tae stand and was too verra drunk. I believe he must hae fallen down.”
Lizbeth’s brow rose. “He fell down and did that tae his face?”
“Aye and he deserved it.”
Liam chuckled. “Aye, it sounds like he did.”
Magnus added, “We expect the scouts tae return with word at anytime.”
Liam nodded.
Lizbeth said, “Good, I will see ye inside.”
They left for the front gate, while we remained quiet from the interruption. I stared out over the field, the grasses buzzing with bugs, midges coming out in droves.
“Twas a mistake tae give her the book. We will be livin’ the consequences of it for many long...”
My chin trembled.
He said, “Ye dinna tell me of it last night.”
“Because I knew you’d be disappointed.” A tear slid down my cheek. “I didn’t know what to do — you were gone. Bella was there. She told Archie she was going to take him home, to take him, Magnus!”
He scowled.
“I couldn’t think straight. You told me Lady Mairead was your steward. I thought she was on our side!”
He huffed. “She is on our side, but she is also always on her own side. Ye ken this.”
“Yeah, well, you didn’t see her face when she saw Isla.”
He chewed his lip.
I crossed my arms. “And you promised me you were going to keep me safe! You promised me I wouldn’t have to deal with Bella, you promised me.”
“Ye are sayin’ this tae me, Kaitlyn? I hae done nothin’ but try tae make ye safe, tae keep ye safe and...” He shook his head. His eyes held pain. “Ye are saying this tae me?”
I got scared. I also felt ashamed. Like both those things, fear and shame, were heavy stones in my stomach with anger wrapped up around. I folded my arms and furiously stared at the ground.
His brow furrowed, he stared at the ground in front of his feet.
Finally, he said, “Ye ken I couldna kill Archie’s mother without a trial. Ye ken tae hae a trial would be tae hae the news filled with stories of the king and his mistress. Ye ken, once she was found guilty, Archie would be the son of a criminal. What comes of that? I am tae have her publicly executed? Tis the man ye want me tae be?”
I smarted off. “Ye ken I was confronted with your mother and your mistress in less than twenty-four hours and I had your son and my newborn baby to protect? So I gave her the book! I freaked out and gave her the book. I thought for fucking once your mom was on my side and I should be on hers — like we could be a family team. I thought that.” I huffed. “I was mistaken, but that’s the kind of woman I am, hopeful that your mom will do the right thing by us, for once.”
After a long moment Magnus said, “Dost ye truly believe I daena put yer protection first? In everythin’?”
I shook my head, but I couldn’t actually say the words. Because I was close to crying and while knowing he put me first, I was also very often — unprotected. The answer didn’t come easily.
“I ken I hae often failed, verra often.”
“I know.”
He shook his head. “But I put ye first, always.”
“I know that too.”
“I apologize for m’temper, Kaitlyn. If I had been there I would hae done it differently, but I wasna there. I ken ye did what ye believed tae be the right thing.”
“It was less about belief and more that I was flailing around for something proactive to do. I basically put the book in the painting without even thinking about the implications.”
“The implications may be dire.”
“Or they might not. She might put the book in a safe place and she might come and help us.”
“Or she may be workin’ alongside Bella. She might hae given Bella a vessel and she might be helpin’ Roderick tae raise an army. The army is quartered on Lord Philip’s landholdings...”
“Jesus Christ, she could be doing all of that?”
“Aye, she might be.”
“Then I really, really regret giving her the book.”
He nodded. “Kaitlyn, ye hae seen what I am up against: armies and evil men and diabolical mothers. A world where time daena make sense, where surprise attacks are common and kingdoms are at stake, ye ken that I hae tae— ” He shook his head with a long exhale.
I nodded. “I know, it’s a fucking shitstorm of epic proportions. Daily. I know. I lost my head and gave up the best thing we had in our arsenal. I think I got lulled into a false sense of security. I forgot about the constant war and just thought why not ask Lady Mairead for help?”
“I ken.” He put out a hand for mine.
We entwined our fingers. The sun was rising in the sky, heat warming my back, the scent of the field grass baking in the sun.
“I do know you’re always putting my security first. I know that. I also know you’re under a lot of impossible situations, and for the last months you’ve kept me so safe I think I kind of forgot that I have to work on it too. I forgot to keep my guard up. I forgot to check in with the security and to be cautious around Lady Mairead, but—”
“You have just had a bairn, Isla is verra wee.”
“She is. But it doesn’t mean I’m not supposed to be a terrible arse anymore, some might say I need to be a bigger terrible arse.”
“Ye daena hae tae be. I will protect ye. I would lay down my life for ye, again and again.”
I gave him a pitying look. “Do you hear yourself? Lay down your life for me? Please don’t. I need you. I need you so much. I want to live on into a crotchety, irritated, old age with you. I want to retire into an old folks home with you... complaining about our grandkids not bringing cookies often enough, putting together puzzles, and going to water-aerobics classes together.”
He chuckled. “Like the home Madame Barb lived in? We could hae the sing-a-long nights with the ice cream socials?”
“Exactly. We have to get old together to have those, please don’t die. Isla and Archie need you. Don’t lay down your life for us, we need to stop thinking about trading the one for the other — we are a team, right?”