But my best friend was gone and I missed her so much and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it.
Except Fraoch. First chance I returned home.
As I talked it over, curled up on his chest, the more I thought about it — Christmas. They would come back at Christmas and what a holiday that would be. I explained it all to Fraoch. “The holiday is a mega-holiday, so many presents. It’s really Kaitlyn’s favorite time of year, so yeah, she won’t miss it. Not at all. That’s what I’ll do, go to the day before Christmas, and that way I’ll be there when she arrives.”
His voice rumbled above my head. “When would ye leave again? Ye are only just returned...”
I raised my head and rested my chin on his chest. “I know, I’m sorry. I just can’t relax without knowing. When I close my eyes all I can see is Isla crying for her mom and it’s tearing me apart. Archie screams and cries whenever anyone leaves, clings to them like they’re abandoning him. If Emma goes to the store he screams and cries the whole time. She can’t go. It’s too tragic.”
“Och.”
“I know. The only person he doesn’t care when they go is me, because I try not to talk to him at all. It’s just too hard. I can’t talk to him without crying and you know what? I blame his mother, and that makes me a terrible awful guilty person, because she’s dead. She died. Then Katie disappeared! This little sweet boy, who Katie loves desperately, is all alone. His fucking mother is to blame. I hate her so much, even though she is dead, and I should be able to put that hate away, but I can’t.”
“Och, ye need tae pray.”
“Ugh. I knew you would say something like that. What I’m telling you, Fraoch, is that I’m sad because terrible things have happened to Katie. I don’t know why I have to go to church over it. It’s not going to help, I—”
“Twill help ye calm down. Twill help ye gain control of yer mind, ye are feelin’ it too verra much, and ye are in need of askin’ forgiveness.”
I flounced onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. “Forgiveness of whom? How is any of this my fault? I just wanted to help and... You know what? It’s fine, she’s going to be back at Christmas. I’m sure of it.”
“I dinna mean tae upset ye. I am tryin’ tae help.”
“I know. I get that. It’s just an impossible situation. Unprecedented. I’m just going to jump back and forth for a while. It’s going to be hard, and painful...”
“How can I help ye?”
“Warm coffee, when I get home, a warm bed, and you. You just be here. That’s all I need.”
Sixty-seven - Hayley
Christmas Eve I shopped on Centre Street, I spent hours doing it, going from store to store, buying so many presents for Isla and Archie and Ben. I called Emma every three minutes to ask if they needed this or that and frankly she was a little exasperated by me asking so often while she was trying to get her own shopping done. At one point she snapped, “Hayley, just buy Christmas crackers, if they’re a choking hazard we’ll hide them, but I can’t make any more decisions, I’m nauseated and standing in line for stocking stuffers, and—”
“I can do that for you, I—.”
“I’m already doing it, but just... I’m sorry. I’m irritated. I just... this is my first time with a break in days and my break is to go shopping, which sucks. Just, I won’t judge you, get whatever...”
“Okay, good, I’ll get more than necessary, I’m cool with that. But also, maybe go to a coffee shop and sit and relax and let me do more shopping. I want to help...”
We had a big dinner and Isla was sitting in Emma’s lap, quiet, with no crying.
I said, “It’s a freaking Christmas miracle.”
“She’s over the colic, mostly, which is good.” She raised her voice, because in the background Archie was howling over something and Beaty was attempting to soothe him.
Emma finished, “Because Archie needs all of us to rally, his needs are epic right now.”
We put out the Christmas toys just before midnight and had fun, a few drinks, a few laughs, a little relaxation among all of us. As everyone headed to bed, I turned out all the lights, saying as Zach went to their room, “What time do the little terrors wake up?”
“Usually around 6:30.”
I said, “Do you know what I’m thinking right now?”
“Something about how crazy we are to have another?”
I joked, “That does not sound like me at all.”
Katie wasn’t there in the morning. I mean, we knew it, had known it, but it was true. After the presents, when the grownups were in the kitchen talking, I said, “It doesn’t feel like she’s coming, like I should be able to tell, and I don’t feel anything at all, like they’re off radar.”
The awful part was that everyone agreed.
Whenever I was in the past, Fraoch kept asking me why I wouldn’t just jump ahead far into the future, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to cement that time. What if I missed her? I couldn’t bear the thought, so in the beginning I just had to keep checking, a week or so in between. A week here, two weeks there. My jump hangovers, even with the vitamin regimen, the go-go potion, were getting worse. Coupled with the sadness, I was a freaking wreck.
Fraoch and I went riding. We could only do short trips, because it was getting cold, growing into winter.
I was quiet, one day, looking out over the valley from the headland where we first used to go and sit and talk — my favorite view. The wind was blustering up the hills, bringing the crisp smell of a cool winter day, the sky had all the shades of grey in patterns across it. The castle seemed very small it was so far below, shrouded in mist. Fraoch asked, “How are ye feelin’?”
“Not good, sad.”
“I ken.”
“I did pray, it helped a little.”
“I am glad.”
“Doesn’t the castle seem empty now?”
“Tis because it is cold, everyone is inside tryin’ tae get warm. The soldiers are gone, the tents, the weapons.”
“I don’t know, it’s hard to describe. Watching it is like the center of gravity is gone, the heart of it. Without my best friend calling it home, and without Mags standing in the great hall telling some ridiculous story about his exploits, without that — what is there?”
His brow drew down. “I am here.”
“I really don’t mean for this to seem bad. It’s not about you, I love you so much. You are my everything. You’re the reason I’m here, but it’s just so melancholy that I used to have so many reasons to come, now only one. An awesome one, a great hunky love of my life one, but one all the same.”
I pulled the tartan around my shoulders. “Even my relationship with Lizbeth has shifted. Like we don’t have anything in common anymore.”
“Aye, I hae felt it shift, as ye say. It has for me as well. The men hae come tae think of me as part of the clan, but without Magnus here, I am just another man.”
“I hope this doesn’t sound bad either, but I’m glad you feel the difference too. I’m so glad I have you to talk to. I miss Katie so much. I just want you to know, if I’m being sad, it’s not because of you. You make me happy. I’m so grateful for you and I’m glad we share this.”