I could have carried on driving to California. Set myself up in a hotel until the transfer papers for the house were signed. Until they gave me the key.
But then I’d have resigned myself to a life of misery. Probably a short one, at that.
They don’t need me…but I need them. It’s painful to admit, but I’ve had more than enough time to come to terms with the fact.
I detoured soon as I located their phones. I’m surprised they didn’t ditch them…but I guess they weren’t expecting me to come back.
Fuck, I wasn’t expecting me to come back.
I stick a hand down the front of my shirt and fish out Trinity’s crucifix. The wood feels smooth, almost oily, between my fingers. I lift it a little and squint through what looks like a clear gem stuck near the top as the smell of roses fills my nose. The Virgin Mary peers back at me, resplendent in front of her golden halo. Face serene. Like she knows everything’s going to be just peachy, as long as I have faith.
I found it on the floor a few steps from Saint Amos’s front doors, right after I’d locked eyes with Reuben. The clasp was bent—must have fallen off her neck as Gabriel carried her out of the building. I meant to give it back to Rube, perhaps put it somewhere he would find it, but then all I could think about was leaving.
Found it in my bag when I was pulling out clothes to change into. Hung it around my neck in case I lost it, because one thing is for sure…I will find my brothers. And when I do, this is going back to Rube.
My coffee is almost finished before my food arrives. But I don’t complain, because I need the break, and I wouldn’t have given myself that luxury.
My brothers are nowhere close to Saint Amos like I’d thought. They’re in some small town in Virginia. I’m guessing they have a lead on Gabriel. Makes me want to find them even more, and I hate it. But revenge really knows how to get its claws into you. And fuck, does it latch on.
Was that way with my parents, too.
First week I was in that basement, my sadistic little mind was having a fucking field day. Oh, the beautiful, brutal things I did to them in my head. Holding them at gunpoint. Forcing them to do despicable things to each other. Thoughts of their fear, their humiliation—it kept me going for a while.
I’d keep banging on the door, begging them to let me out. Pleading with them. Trying to convince them that I wasn’t one of the others.
Yes, I wanted my limited freedom back. But more than that, I craved the pain I knew I would inflict on them soon as I was free. Vengeance for hurting me. For hurting all the boys they’d kept in that dark hell.
To this day, I can’t believe those tortured souls had been under my feet all that time. That I’d been living mere yards away from so much pain and suffering.
Some part of me still believes that’s how my mind came to be so fucked up. That, unknowingly, I’d absorbed all that abuse through the pores in my skin. Like radiation, it began poisoning me.
I pay my bill. Leave.
The rental reeks of cigarettes, but I couldn’t care if they kept my entire deposit because of it.
All I care about is one thing—getting to my brothers.
What happens after I arrive, that’s up to them.
Chapter Twelve
Trinity
“Trinity.”
“Trinity!”
I’m cold. So cold compared to the warm hands on my body. Behind my neck, between my shoulders. Pushing me onto my side.
I retch. Throw up. I choke on the water and bile burning my nose and throat. It hurts a lot, but at least now I can breathe.
Hands on me again—so warm—helping me up. A towel to cover my nakedness.
Those hands guide me down a passage and into a room.
Halfway across the soft carpet I recognize where I am. A bedroom, but not mine.
Mom and Dad’s.
I’m still in Redford.
Oh God, I miss them so much. The smell in here, although stale, pushes pins through my heart. But why is everything still the same? It’s been more than a month. Surely someone would have bought the house? Moved in? Made it their own? Why is it still exactly the same as the day I left?
I shiver, and then try to resist when the hands lead me to the bed.
I was never allowed in here.
It was their room. They made that very clear.
I never once ran in and clambered over them to wake them up when I was a little girl. No snuggling between them if I had a nightmare.
Because I was a good girl. I obeyed them. Even now, even though they’re gone, I feel like I’m disobeying them.
But when someone pulls away the sheets, revealing a warm nest I can burrow into, I go. No hesitation. Because I’m tired. I’m hurting. And I’m so cold.
As I slip between sheets that still smell like my parents, I hear a voice. Mom’s. Not singing—she never sang—but reciting a prayer.
...hallowed be...
Oh, right. I know this one.
I burrow into the bed, cringing as my wet hair makes my cheek itch. I’m not clean enough to be on these sheets. I can still smell myself. But there’s lavender too, and that makes me think about bubbles and that makes me want to climb out of bed and run away.
But I’m too tired.
…give us this day…
So I stay where I am, curled into a ball, trying to warm up. I cough, and clear my throat, and try to get rid of the awful feeling inside me. The rawness where water went but shouldn’t have.
…forgive us our…
I lie there even when someone gets in behind me and holds me. Even though I know who it is. Even though I know what he’s capable of.
I’m even fucking grateful, because he’s so warm, and I’m so cold.
…lead us not into…
I lie there in his arms until I fall asleep. And I’m still there when I wake up.
But I only wake up a long, long time later after he wakes up. After he brushes hair from my face and kisses my cheek. Only after he squeezes me tight and whispers, “Morning, daughter.”
…deliver us from evil…
Now I’m not tired anymore. I’m not hurting as much. I am scared. But I’m also angry. And I want out.
...thine is the kingdom...
My mind races as he snuggles his face into the back of my neck, as if he’s smelling me.
…the power and the glory…
This is not my new life. I’m getting out of here, whatever it takes.
…forever and ever.
Amen.
Chapter Thirteen
Trinity
I think Gabriel has fallen asleep again. I guess it’s tiring, holding someone captive. But he should be used to it though.
The thought leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I shift a little, then pause, waiting for his reaction.
Nothing but a soft breath against the back of my neck. His arm is still slung around me, his fingers dangling over my hip.
It would be so easy to stay here. Although I don’t feel as shit as I did when I woke up on the bathroom floor after he tried to drown me, my body is still weak. I haven’t eaten in…days?
So easy just to let it happen.
To go somewhere else inside my head.
But that’s not what they did. Those four boys in the basement fought back. They stayed strong, and they found a way out.