I do as he says. “The fuck are they arguing over?”
Seth sighs. He looks tired and drawn-out, and stone-cold sober. “Allegedly, Adam did it, not Carla.”
His words are so unexpected that I pause. “Allegedly?”
“Based on Tarek’s deep understanding of Adam’s psyche. Adam denies it, obviously. But Tarek seems pretty convinced.”
Kat stirs in Seth’s arms. “So many colors. So many...” Her head rolls onto Seth’s shoulder, eyes closing.
Seth kisses the top of her head and I feel an irrational flare of jealousy. He’s so good with her, at caring for people. My phone screams “One missed call - Cally” and I can’t function properly.
I glance between everyone, but they’re all in their own little worlds. “I have to tell you something,” I murmur to Seth.
He observes me, as though noticing something might be up. “What is it?”
Against the backdrop of arguments, I bite my lip. “I’m thinking of leaving the band.”
A flicker of... something... passes across Seth’s face, but otherwise his expression remains unreadable.
“I can’t do this anymore.” I set the jug of water down beside Kat. “I’m so tired,” I tell him. The weight of sharing this, thoughts I’ve been carrying around in my head for months now, is overwhelming, and I find myself trying desperately not to cry. I take Kat’s hand in mine. “I just want to go home.”
To Cally.
“I can’t make you stay,” Seth says slowly, “but you know this would mean the end of the band, right?”
Did I know that? I suppose on some level I did — but I’d also thought the others were strong enough to survive without me. But after overhearing the Merksworths’ conversation, I’m no longer convinced they want anything to do with any of us.
“Listen to us, to them.” I nod at Adam and Tarek, still bickering away. “They were best friends. We’ve all become so fractured.”
Seth turns those goddamn puppy-dog eyes on me. “That’s not true...”
“It is. If Tarek’s not fighting with Adam, he’s fighting with Leon. If Leon’s not asserting his authority over Tarek, he’s punching Adam in the face.”
Seth shakes his head. “Those three have always been wild and overbearing. But you and me — we’ve always taken everything in our stride.”
“I know,” I say, and I smile at him, grateful. We were as close as Tarek and Adam — but in the background, so no one cared as much. “But this tour was a mistake.” I glance down at Kat, who sniffles slightly in her sleep, her head burying against Seth’s neck. “She was the only good thing to come out of it.”
Seth licks his lips. “Leon had this idea... I guess he sees what you see, with everything falling apart... He thought Kat might be able to mend it.”
“How?”
“If we were with her.” He pauses. “All of us.”
A wild stab of hope pierces my chest. “What do you mean?”
Seth shrugs. “If we could all be with her, it could benefit all of us. An arrangement of some kind.”
It feels weird discussing this while Kat’s sitting unconscious between us. “You mean like—” I lower my voice. “An orgy?”
Seth’s eyebrows slant downward, as though picturing this. “No... Well... I don’t know. I’d thought it more like we were all going out with her.”
Oh. I guess that makes more sense.
Though an orgy sounds exciting, seeing as I’ve never been in one.
I think back to that night with Kat. The way she’d writhed against her own hand.
The stillness in the air had been like magic. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. She panted her release, then saw me. The panic had been writ large on her face, and I tried — I tried — to keep her calm, to show her how much of a goddamn goddess I believed her to be.
That night seems like so long ago, as though I’d dreamed it.
I did dream of it many times since.
“And Kat wants this?” I ask.
Nodding, Seth says, “She was apparently very intrigued.”
“What is it with Leon and sharing other women?” I muse, my eyes flicking toward the man himself.
Seth laughs lowly. “Maybe it’s his way of giving back to us, caveman style.”
“’Here’s this cute chick I found — have at her, bros.’”
Seth stifles a snort, which attracts Leon’s attention. I snap my gaze away from his frowning expression, but it’s too late; he catches my eye and asks, “What are you two talking about?”
“Nothing,” we say as one.
His eyes narrow, as though doubting this version of events, but he remains by the door.
Seth looks at me intently. “Can you hold on till the end of this tour? Is there anything I can do to make you stay?”
I think of home. Of Oklahoma and Mom’s cooking. Of Dad and the stupid jokes I’ve inherited from him. The quaint farmhouse of my childhood, with its ragtag band of animals and strays. Of Cally, lying ill in bed, missing her brother the way I’ve missed her last three birthdays.
I look at Seth and Kat. I see the kindness in his eyes, his sweet concern for others — something I’ve always been amazed can really exist in this century. God, I’d miss him if I left. More than anyone. As much as I whine about the others, I’d miss them desperately, too. We’ve shared something no one else has; our story is unmatched by anyone else.
And then there’s Kat, and the potential for something spectacular.
My finger tucks a strand of her feather-soft hair around her ear.
“I’d ruin her documentary,” I tell him wryly. “One minute I’m there, the next I’m not.”
“I think it’d add a new dynamic,” Seth says. “The destruction of boy bands: how things fall apart. An examination by Kat Galbraith.”
My laughter is sad.
Kat stirs, as though hearing her name being spoken aloud. She grips my hand tightly, eyes still closed. “Don’t go,” she whispers.
I glance up at Seth.
“That’s you told,” he says, but there’s unease in his eyes, as though he too knows we’re on borrowed time.
“We can’t stay here forever,” I mutter to myself. It’s more about our physical reality in this room, but I realize only as soon as I say it that it could apply to our plateauing pop career. “We should go.”
Seth sighs. “She needs to rest.”
“And that could take days. God knows what was in that drink.” I look over at Leon. “Leon, get one of our guards. Call Rafe, he’s discreet. He’ll get us out of this.”
“I swear, you’re the only one of us who uses our bodyguards,” Seth says, looking amused.
I shrug. “They do a job and they’re good at it. Why shouldn’t I?”
I watch as Leon dials a number and lifts his phone to his ear. He begins pacing. No one paces as much as Leon.
“I dunno, I always feel awkward around them. There’s only so many times you can nod hello at them and not speak for the rest of the day. When they’re not guarding bodies, I reckon they’re professional mime artists.”