"I needed that," she says, placing the beer on the table and opening the box of pizza that I set down a couple minutes ago. "Oh," she gasps softly, covering her mouth with her hand.
"What?" I ask, concerned. "Did I get the order wrong? Do you hate it?"
"You remembered my favorite."
Chicken and mushrooms with garlic and fresh basil. That order has been imprinted on me for over a decade. And not just because it's delicious, but because it's Autumn's order. I'd never heard of such a pizza until our second date, when we'd walked to a nearby place after school and I heard the girl who stole my heart order something that seemed so advanced for our fifteen years. It only made me like her more.
"Onion rings with barbecue sauce. Spaghetti with olive oil and garlic. The word moist makes you shudder, scabs on elbows gross you out, and you absolutely detest olives, which doesn't make much sense because you love pickles and they're not that different." I could go on. And on and on and on…
"Owen … I…"
Whatever it is she's trying to say, the words just won't come out. She gets up from her chair and comes to me, sitting down on my lap.
My hands wind into her long hair, cradling her head. "I haven't forgotten a second of you, Autumn. Not a damn second."
"Me neither, Owen. I remember all of us, every moment, every laugh, every pain."
I swallow down all my fear of losing her a second time. "What do you think about giving us another chance?"
She presses the tip of her nose to mine. I smell beer on her breath, mixed with the sweet smell of Autumn. "What do you think I've been doing these past few weeks?" she giggles.
“You’re gonna make me say it, aren’t you?”
She nods.
“Autumn Cummings, will you be my girlfriend?” I say in a nerdy voice that resembles my fifteen-year-old self.
Laughter peals out of her and I’m thrown by how insanely beautiful she is.
“Yes,” she answers, and kisses me quickly before pulling away. "So, we're really doing this?" she asks, and I know it's not a direct question but a statement of wonder and disbelief.
"We really are," I confirm. "And this time we're going to do it a hundred times better."
"Yes," she murmurs, her velvety lips on mine. "So much better."
Autumn reaches for a slice of pizza, but she doesn't go back to her seat. She eats pizza on my lap, alternating bites and kisses. I can almost see her high fading as thoughts of her mom creep back in.
"Are you certain she can't fight, Owen?" Autumn wipes her mouth with a napkin and grabs another slice.
I've had more time to process it all, and still the thought is sharp, jabbing at me as I contemplate Autumn's question. As much as I want to sugarcoat it, I know Autumn would prefer a straight answer. "It's too advanced. There is literally nothing modern medicine can do for her now but ease her suffering. No stem cell, no bone marrow transplant or transfusion has ever medically brought someone back from how far along she is. I … I failed her. I failed you."
I keep thinking of how I didn’t catch its progression sooner. I followed every protocol and it still snuck past me.
I hear Autumn’s sharp intake of breath, see it in the rise of her chest. It remains puffed up for five full seconds before she releases it. "You didn’t fail anyone.” She reaches out and runs her fingers through my hair, raking them along my neck. “Do you think I could change her mind?" Rueful hope lives in her question.
"Yes," I nod slowly, my answer as honest as my previous one. "But that doesn't mean you should. She has given tremendous consideration to her choice. Knowing what I know, seeing what I’ve seen, if I were terminal, I’d want my last days to be living life with my family."
Autumn traces lines in the wood grain of my table. "In a way, it reminds me of the abortion. The choice, I mean. It was my body and I made the choice." Her lips twist, and I sense she's not done talking. "Do I regret it? Yes. Do I wish the circumstances had been different? With my whole heart. Did I feel I had to do it? Also yes. I made a choice for my body, using the information I had at the time. She's doing the same."
I nod, pulling her closer into me. "I know it's not easy, Autumn, but I'm going to go through this with you, if you'll let me. Okay?"
Tears line her eyes as she nods. "I want you there through every step. Including flying in a helicopter and seeing a show in Vegas."
I shake my head, confused. "How did we get from your mom to Vegas?"
"She told me some things she wants to do before … before she…" The word sticks in her throat.
"Helicopter, Vegas, what else?" I'm trying to rescue her from saying the word she so clearly cannot express.
"Time with us. Me. And you. Coffee with Linda. Basic stuff."
"We'll do it all," I assure her, brushing a kiss over the back of her neck. I don't tell her how soon we'll need to do it. Making sure it happens in a timely manner will be my job.
Autumn takes a bite of her pizza, eyebrows raising like she has just realized something.
"What?" I ask, taking a bite too.
"My period is due any day now … so I guess we’ll see…"
The broken condom. It’s not that I forgot it, only that it was pushed to the back of my mind when Theresa showed up in my office with Faith’s scans.
Autumn mistakes my lack of response for worry. Her eyes crease in concern. “Do you regret that I didn't take the Plan B?”
How do I tell her that I don't really care if we use protection again anytime soon? I should tread lightly, go slow, but fuck I don't want to. I want to snatch her up and make her mine, and if I’ve learned anything through all this with Faith, it’s that life isn't guaranteed.
Tracing the lines on the inside of her palm, I ask, “What do you think about forgetting birth control altogether?”
She blinks in surprise. She doesn't look like she hates my question. In fact, she looks intrigued, giving me the courage I need to push on. "I'm not looking to spend years dating you,” I tell her. “I don't need to get married tomorrow, but I know you're who I'm meant to be with." I run my hand up and down her arm. "So, my love, you just say the word. You tell me how all this is going to go. Because you have me. All of me. Forever."
Autumn tosses the rest of her pizza in the open box and wraps her arms around me. "How is this the saddest and happiest day of my life at the same time? Owen Miller, you are the person all the rest of my days belong to, and I don't care that our past is muddy because all the days ahead of us are bright.” Leaning forward, she kisses me before pulling back and staring at me with her big brown-eyed gaze. “I love you, Owen.”
My stomach warms at her declaration.
"Are you sure?" I ask, teasing her, trying to ease some of the seriousness. "You loved teenage me, but what if you don't like adult me? What if I've developed some terrible habits?"
"Too." Kiss. "Late." Kiss.
"Well, good, because I love you too, Autumn Cummings. And I never stopped."