"I'm awake," she says, her voice so low I barely hear her.
"How are you feeling?" I stride to her bedside. The fluffy duvet shrinks her, making her look even smaller than she is.
"Just keep the drugs coming," she says, cracking a tiny smile.
I check my watch to see if we're close to her next dose. Nope. Still an hour away, but if she wants it, I'll give it to her now. It's not like it will hurt anything, and the goal right now is to keep her free of physical pain. There's nothing I can do for mental and emotional pain, but Faith seems as steady as always. I wonder if she ever breaks down when she's alone?
"What are you and Autumn up to today?" Faith asks, struggling to sit up. I lean over her bed, pulling together pillows that have spread out, creating a soft wall for her to lean against.
"Autumn's making you a smoothie right now, and—"
Faith grimaces.
"Nothing green, I promise. Strawberry mango banana. Your favorite." I'm almost positive Autumn's adding a little protein powder, but I don't need to tell Faith. Taking a seat on the edge of bed, I lean my elbows on my knees, tucking steepled hands under my chin. "I think we're doing a pretty good job at managing your pain, but where are you emotionally?"
She sighs and her head rolls from side to side against the pillows. "I'm ready to go. I'm so tired and I've been fighting for so long, and … I'm done." The blender starts up in the kitchen and I feel like my heart is inside of it, being torn to bits. "She's going to need you, Owen,” Faith finishes with labored breath.
An ache starts in my chest. "I know, and I’ll be there for her."
She nods. "Are you going to make an honest woman out of her?" She attempts a smile, obviously making a joke.
"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that." I tap the bulge in my right pocket. The ring I’ve been carrying around all week feels heavier every day. I just can’t find the right time to ask Autumn to marry me. But I want Faith to know she’ll be taken care of. If she says yes…
Her smile burns a little brighter. "Is that right?"
"I wanted to officially ask your blessing for me to ask Autumn to be my wife."
The pallor in Faith's skin turns into a dull glow. "You know my answer, Owen Miller. You've been like a son to me since the day Autumn brought you home when you were skinny and had the appetite of a horse. I'd always hoped the two of you would find your way back to one another." She pauses to run a palm over the duvet. "Of course, it would've been preferable if it wasn't my condition that brought you together again."
I nod. I wish that too.
Her eyes shimmer. “Let me see the ring.”
I pull it out and let her hold it, spinning it left and right. “Owen, it’s lovely.”
Autumn really isn’t into flashy things, but I got an expensive ring anyway. I want to spend the rest of my life spoiling her.
She hands it back to me after a moment and I open my mouth to tell her something when the doorbell cuts me off. "The nurse is two hours early," I frown, looking at my watch even though I know the time.
"It's not the nurse. I asked the pastor at my church to come by. I haven't been able to get to church, and the pastor volunteered to bring last Sunday's sermon to me."
"Mom?" Autumn appears at the bedroom door, a confused “V” pulling between her eyebrows. "Pastor Greg is here to see you."
Faith smiles at Autumn. She sits up a little straighter and looks down at herself, probably to make sure she's decent. "Send him in please, hon."
Pastor Greg, who I've met a handful of times when I've attended services with Faith, steps around Autumn and into Faith's room. His casual look of khakis and a short-sleeved collared button-up throw me off. The only times I've seen him he's been in a suit.
"Hello," he nods at me, and it occurs to me that although I remember him, he probably doesn't remember me.
"Owen Miller." I extend a hand. "I'm Faith's oncologist."
He grins at Faith. "Look at you, getting house calls. You must be special." He winks at her and she laughs. It's not her real laugh, but a ghost version of something that used to be full-bodied and alive.
The room gets quiet, and it hits me that the pastor and Faith are waiting for me to leave. "Autumn, isn't there a smoothie out there with my name on it?" I ask her.
She grips the doorframe with one hand and leans around it. "Yes. Mom, I'll put yours in the fridge."
We walk out to the kitchen and Autumn hands me the drink. Even though it's hotter than the surface of the sun outside, we take our drinks out back and sit in the shade.
Despite the heat, Autumn sits beside me, tucked into the crook of my arm. She talks about Livvie's idea of the bookstore, and how Livvie called while she was making our smoothies to tell her it's a go. I’m so damn happy that she’s found something she will love to do with her career here in Sedona. Absentmindedly, I stroke her arm while she talks.
"Can you believe it?" she asks, incredulous. The question doesn't really require an answer. "What if I'd said yes to Jeanne? How would I have talked my way out of that one?"
"Good thing you said no."
"I talked to her just before Livvie called, and I told her in no uncertain terms that I am passing up the opportunity and that’s final." She shakes her head, the straw resting against her lower lip. "I think she was genuinely surprised, even though I'd already told her once." She sighs and shrugs. "I guess I should appreciate the tenacity."
"That's one way to look at it."
Autumn's head turns, her gaze finding Faith's bedroom window. The drapes were open when I went in, but with the screen on the window and our angle across the yard, we can't see in.
"I know you said three months, but…"Autumn draws an invisible pattern on the outside of her cup. "Do you still think that?"
Autumn needs the truth, but I'm reluctant to give it. There is no real way to know, but there are signs … and Faith is showing them. "I can't say precisely, but it won't be much longer."
I hear the intake of her breath, I feel the movement of her shoulders. "God, Owen, this is terrible. Knowing it’s coming, waiting for something horrible to happen… it’s—" Her voice shakes.
I set down my cup on the table in front of us and wrap her in my arms. I'm ready for her tears, but they don't come. Maybe she is cried out, drained on the inside, nearly numb from the grief process that has already begun.
I hold her until Pastor Greg opens the back door. He stops there for a moment and opens his mouth, but something gives him pause. Perhaps it's Autumn with her head on my chest, or both of us with our feet propped up on the table. He steps outside and clears his throat.
“I’m going to get going now, Autumn, but please call me if you need anything.”
Autumn pulls herself away from me and stands, going to him. “I will. Thank you, Pastor.”
They gaze at each other for a few moments and I wonder how close they are. I know Faith has been taking Autumn to church but this seems like more … like they share something deeper. Maybe it’s just a mutual respect and love for Faith.