“Oh God,” I say under my breath.
“He had no idea his parents would react like this. None.” Without warning, Esben hurls his laptop against the wall, and Kerry and I both flinch sharply. “Who does that, huh? To anyone, not to mention their kid? What freaking year is it that anyone would do that? Tell me! This is my fault. This is my fault. I should never have approached him. If I’d left him alone, he’d still have a family.” He’s frantic now, his voice growing louder with every word. “Who knows what other damage I’ve done? Those dogs? For all I know, they’re off living with people who beat them or don’t feed them! There’s no way to protect or help anyone. Not without repercussions. Never.” He’s pacing the floor. “I’m out. I’m done. I’m going to shut it all down. Close my accounts, delete everything. Screw it. Know what, Allison? You were probably right. People can’t be trusted. They suck. I mean, when it comes down to it, by and large? People suck.”
“That’s enough,” Kerry says sharply.
“It’s true!” he shouts. “Nothing I do will disprove that. And nothing will reverse time, will it, Kerry? For you, for anyone else. There is no way to make up for anyone’s past.”
“No one expects you to reverse time, Esben.” Kerry speaks softly but with a confidence that I’ve learned is genuine. “That’s impossible. And no one is asking that of you. You have made my life so much better, and you’ve helped me heal in immeasurable ways. You know that. Come on, you know that!” she says adamantly.
It’s obvious that he isn’t listening to her. “I’m probably just adding to the problem,” he whips out. “Creating a place for people to spew their hatred and ignorance. God, that ultimately ends up as the heart of what I do, doesn’t it? I offer up opportunities for the masses to crap on any moment of hope or positivity or love, right? I can’t win at their game.”
“Don’t say that, please.” I stand up. “You cannot lose sight of the thousands of people who have been moved and uplifted. Those are the voices who scream the loudest. Look at me! Look what you’ve done for me. Look how you’ve changed me and made me stronger and more alive than I’ve ever been.”
He tries to soften his demeanor. “You’re different, Allison. You are different. That’s one-on-one. That’s because of what’s between you and me, and because you’re such a wonderful person. Online? With the hordes of followers? Totally different.”
Before I can get to him, he throws open the door and leaves.
“Should I go after him?” I ask Kerry.
“No. It’s okay. I’ll go. I think I can calm him down.” She pauses by the open door. “And, Allison? Don’t listen to what he said. Even I know that people are mostly good. My brother is just passionate, that’s all. And passion has its upsides as well as its downsides. It . . .” She taps her hand on the open door. “It evokes tremendous generosity and tremendous hurt. Esben is in the hurt right now. It’s a momentary price to pay when his payoffs are so big. Give me a few, okay? He’ll be fine. This is not the first time he’s exploded over this stuff, and it won’t be the last.”
His laptop is on the floor, and I pick it up to see how badly he’s damaged it. When I grab the base, the screen falls off at the hinges, and glass shards spill onto the floor. After I’ve gone over the carpet at least four times with the dorm vacuum, I put away the food that Kerry and I’d been eating. Then I sit on the ugly orange couch and wait.
And wait. For much longer than I would have thought.
I miss Simon. Maybe I should catch a ride with Esben and Kerry and go see Simon this week after all. I allow myself to be distracted by these thoughts because I am so discomforted and unsettled by everything else going on. I hate that the boy I love so deeply is in the midst of a clear crisis.
Forty-five minutes after they left my room, Esben and Kerry return, with Esben looking much more together. My body sheds its tension.
Esben is barely through the door when he says, “Allison, I am really sorry. I was being crazy—”
“Stop. It’s okay. Don’t apologize. Don’t.” I touch the place next to me on the couch, and he sits. “I can’t imagine what it’s like to do what you do, on the scale you do. That’s really intense, and I’m sure it can feel . . . useless. That you’re fighting against too much.”
“It does.”
“One negative thing seems like it overrides a thousand positives. In a sea of love, all you see is the one person drowning.”
His defeated face is unfamiliar. “Yes.”
Kerry seats herself on the floor and looks up at him. “If you don’t want to do this anymore, or if you want to take a break, that’s all right.”
His body language, the way he emotes his internal struggle . . . it’s brutal to watch. Esben is at a loss; that’s clear.
He’s thoughtful before he says anything. “I think I should. I’m not sure I have a choice. This has all gotten out of hand, and I can’t control it. I guess I’ve never been able to, but with all of these followers now . . .”
“I know,” Kerry agrees. “Since the fall, your following has grown so fast. You’re at over seven hundred thousand on Twitter. That’s insane. And no one can have that kind of online presence and not take on a whole bunch of assholes in the process. It’s not fair, it’s not cool, and it’s discouraging.”
Sorrow and pain are visible in him. “The BS is all louder than anything else right now. That’s the opposite of what I intended.” He grabs his sister’s hand. “And, Kerry, that’s not your fault. You were doing too much before. Shielding me. I see that.”
“So get off-line,” she offers. “Just get off-line.”
“Allison, are you okay with this?” He turns to me with so much more worry than he should have.
“Absolutely,” I tell him. “I don’t want you to be unhappy. This is supposed to be fun and . . . it’s supposed to spread love. And make you feel good, too. If it doesn’t—then get out.”
He clasps my hand in his and takes a hard breath. “Okay. Okay.”
My phone rings, and the melody of the particular tone sends chills through me. I tense and throw my free hand against Esben’s arm, pulling at his shirt and fumbling for speech. “No. God, no.” Every part of me is shaking and screaming, yet I am barely able to get these words out.
“What?” he asks.
“Allison?” Kerry is by my side.
Before my eyes fill with tears and I can’t see straight, I look at the caller ID and confirm what I know to be true. “It’s Steffi’s number. Esben? It means someone . . .” Christ, I cannot breathe. “Someone is calling to . . . tell me . . .” There is no way to finish the sentence. And I cannot pick up this call.
The room starts to spin, and I hand him the phone.
“You want me to answer for you? You sure?” he asks gently.
I nod.
“Hello?”
His voice sounds funny, muffled by the deluge of panic swirling through my head, and I can’t hear anything else he says. I’m just trying to breathe. It’s not until he shakes me by the shoulders, saying my name sharply, that I refocus.