“What?”
“Have you slept with him?” She says this so loudly that I turn to see if anyone outside the room has heard. Jamie is trying not to laugh.
“Well . . .”
“I’m on limited time, kiddo. Spill.”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And . . . it’s awesome. He’s awesome.”
“Esben is as cool as I first thought, right?” she says happily. “I was right about him, wasn’t I?”
“You were. Very, very right.”
For over an hour, she makes me tell her everything that’s gone down. So, I update her about Esben and school and Simon. About Simon’s care packages, about what’s going on with Carmen, Kerry, Jason, and Danny. I tell her much about my new world that she hasn’t heard and that I wish she were a part of, could be a part of.
I’m having a hard time keeping my breathing even. Something about having a seemingly routine conversation makes being here all the more frightening. I glance at Jamie, and she gives me a reassuring nod. I should just let this happen; that’s what she’s telling me.
“Oh, the bracelet!” Steffi says. “Lemme see!” She grabs my hand and gasps. “It’s gorgeous. He did so good. He’s here, right? Where is he?” She looks over my shoulder. “I know I look like crap, but hello? Hospital. He won’t care, right? Also, you haven’t commented on my shirt. Simon’s doing, of course. Somehow he got this to me today.”
I hadn’t noticed, but now I look down and smile. She’s wearing a red shirt with a Wonder Woman logo on the front. It’s perfect.
“They let me change out of that freakin’ hideous hospital gown. Or hospice gown, if we’re being technical. Because that’s basically what this is. How depressing, right?”
I don’t know how to answer her. How to do any of this. But Steffi keeps talking, so I’m given another moment to pull myself together.
“So, really, where’s Esben? I want to see all the videos and pictures he took. Why hasn’t he posted more? I’ve been following everything online. Dude, that limo situation was insane! I can’t believe it. Any of it. The only reason I looked away from the Internet was to chow down. You’ll try In-N-Out tomorrow, right? Promise me.”
“I promise.”
“Where’s Esben?” she asks yet again. “I want to see more.”
Her excitement makes me laugh. “I’ll get him.”
“Yes!”
It’s with caution and nerves that I walk to the door. “Esben? Steffi wants you to come in. To see what other pictures and video you have.”
“She does?” He’s as taken aback as I am. “Okay. Yeah. Of course.”
He follows me into the room, and I see Steffi’s eyes fixate on him. She’s silent now, waiting until he has pulled up a chair beside me. Steffi leans back against the mattress and looks at him. “Esben,” she says softly and reaches out.
“Steffi.” He takes her hand.
“It’s good to see you.” She’s quieter now, calmer. “Show me. Show me pictures from today. I want to see . . .” Steffi takes a few shallow breaths that alarm me. “. . . everything. And you have to post it all. This is my moment, right?” She cracks a smile.
“Sure. Whatever you want.”
Esben holds his phone up to her and swipes through photos and videos. She asks a hundred questions, and he answers them all. When he gets to the video of the flight attendant singing, Steffi suddenly reaches to her side, but for what, I’m not sure.
“Steffi? What is it?” I ask.
Jamie is at Steffi’s side in a flash. “She just needs some oxygen. That’s all. It’s okay.” She moves smoothly as she lifts an oxygen mask over Steffi’s mouth.
My hand goes to Esben’s leg, and I dig my fingers in.
Steffi holds up a finger, asking us to give her a minute. I nod and rest my hand on her shoulder, letting her know that she can take as much time as she needs. The nervous look she gives Jamie frightens me to the core, but I keep a calm expression. As though it’s normal for my best friend, my lifeline, to need help breathing.
It only takes a matter of seconds, a few moments to inhale and exhale, and Steffi nods. She lifts the mask for a second. “Show me more.”
Esben seems cautious when I say, “Show her the flight attendant. The singing.”
“Yeah? Okay. You sure?”
“Yes. She’ll love it.” Steffi and I both know that she’s dying. That it’s close. And this song and its haunting melody will not make her aware of anything she doesn’t know.
Steffi puts the oxygen mask back over her mouth and watches. Halfway through, she holds out her arm. I take her hand. I won’t let go from this point on. Whatever high she’s been on, whatever adrenaline was amping her up, is gone.
We are downhill from here.
“‘Amazing Grace.’ I love . . . that song. Such a pretty voice.” Steffi’s words are barely audible behind her mask, but, still, I hear her. “All those nice people.”
“Everyone cares about you,” I tell her.
She turns her head, and I can see the smile around her eyes.
“Get ready for this one,” I say with as much fun in my voice as I can. “You will never believe it. Trust me. Esben, show her what happened getting from O’Hare to Midway!”
For a few minutes, Steffi watches, though her eyes are getting foggy. It’s subtle, so subtle, but I see it.
“A motorcycle? You got on a motorcycle?” She lifts the mask to talk.
“I know, right? So cool.” More false positive attitude. “It was insane.”
“Allison handled herself much better than I did,” Esben adds.
Steffi puts her other hand in his and takes a few deep breaths. Then she lowers the mask and speaks to him. “Esben?”
“Yes?”
“You love her?” she asks.
Esben smiles reassuringly. “I do.”
“I knew that. But it’s good to hear. Good.” She breathes again for a time. “Thank you. Thank you. It . . . it . . . makes this easier. Allison?” she whispers.
“Yes, honey, what?”
“It hurts. God save the queen, it hurts.” She’d smile if she could, but she can’t.
“God save the queen,” I agree. “God save the queen.”
“I’m, uh . . .” She shuts her eyes for a second. “I’m ready for this to be over. I’m really ready.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry. For what I did.”
“There’s no sorry here, only love.”
She nods.
I don’t know how to tell her what I have to. But it’s time. “There are a few other people here to see you,” I say gently.
Slowly, she turns her head, but doesn’t say anything.
“Esben? Can you . . . ?” I can’t take my eyes from Steff, and I watch him kiss Steffi on the cheek.
He holds his sweet kiss for so long that I know it’s good-bye. And his good-bye is very important, because Steffi knows my connection to him and what he’s done to get me here. I feel extraordinary pain lingering in my heart, though I block it out. I’ll let it hurt later.