“I’ll see you soon,” I tell all three of them, and they nod, even though tears are slipping down Quaid’s cheeks and Logan’s hands are trembling in my grip.
“See you soon,” Logan whispers as Quaid presses a kiss to my forehead.
“I’m ready,” I tell the nurse, and she nods and begins to wheel me away.
I keep them in my sights until we turn the corner. I stare up at the ceiling before squeezing my eyes closed as tears leak out of my eyes.
My nosebleed is worse now, and so is my headache. At least those will be over soon either way, I tell myself.
All the doctors are waiting for me, including Dr. Channing. He musters a smile for me as they give me platitudes that seem false even as they cross their lips.
The anesthesia goes in, and I start to count backward. And with every number, I think of a different memory I’ve had with Carter, Quaid, and Logan.
It was one hell of a love story, I think to myself as I start to fade off. I’ll be seeing you soon, my loves.
And then I float into the darkness waiting for me, and it surprisingly isn’t as scary as I thought it would be.
Logan
A nurse comes in every hour on the dot to provide updates, but everything that comes out of her mouth is just one useless platitude after another.
The doctors working on Valentina are the best, sir.
We’ll know more soon.
Is there anything I can offer you in the meantime?
After a while, it becomes just white noise to me.
I knew that this procedure wouldn’t be quick, but as each second passes by, I can’t help but wonder if this is the one where I lose her for good.
Fuck!
When she ran away yesterday and got in that cab, instead of convincing her to stay, I should have just let the cab driver take us far away from this place. She never wanted to do this goddamn surgery to begin with. She knew the risks and preferred to spend the remaining days of her life surrounded by love, not strangers in white coats slicing into her brain.
But I was selfish.
We were selfish.
We didn’t want just one more month or one more week with her. We wanted a life. And in pursuit of that dream, we might have just sent the love of our lives to her untimely death.
I’m losing my mind waiting.
This is what going crazy must feel like.
But sanity is too far out of my reach right now.
How can I be expected to have a clear head, when the only woman I have ever loved is facing the biggest challenge of her life without us?
With my fists by my side and then in my hair, I rage.
I rage at the doctors, at the ceiling, and at anyone who will listen as my fear is expelled in bleating bouts of gibberish that have me bent over in pain.
This is it.
This is how I die.
My grief and madness are so overwhelming that it takes a second for my eyes to focus on the man walking slowly in our direction. Dr. Channing looks gruff and exhausted as he enters the waiting room, Carter instantly jumping to his feet to hear what he has to say.
Quaid stays at my side, but I can’t look at him. When Dr. Channing’s gaze bows as he continues to talk to Carter, Quaid falls to his knees beside me, clasping his hands over his tear-stricken face.
But I have no comfort to offer him. I’ve never had comfort to offer him, and I don’t think after today I will again.
I keep my head down and concentrate on breathing, blocking out any possibility other than the words leaving Dr. Channing’s mouth being that she’s fine. That she’s okay. She’s stable. Alive.
But I don’t move from my seat, afraid that once I do, those will not be the words I hear.
However, I can’t hide from the inevitability that is coming. Like a tsunami rising in the distance, it crashes in on me as Carter steps away from where he’s been speaking to the doctor.
He stands suspended in time, breaching the gap between us, his face pale with tears falling freely on his face.
I can’t breathe.
Air is pulled from my lungs, taking all the oxygen from me.
I know by his stricken eyes that life will never be the same again.
And I hold on to her parting words to anchor me to face the reality to come.
Be it in this life or the next, I will always love you.
Epilogue
Carter
It took me a while, but I finally learned at some point that our lives are not defined by one thing. They’re the sum of all our decisions, acts, tragedies, and miracles. It’s every one of those things that makes us who we are. Each day that comes and then goes is one I’m thankful for, and never take for granted. I know how valuable they are.
Valentina taught me that lesson.
When I was younger, my life had always been plagued by death, and for a long time, I thought that was what defined my existence. So I breathed that poison into me, knowing that no matter how hard you tried, we would never be able to escape its clutches.
How ironic it is that the notion of death, of losing the one you love, was the catalyst for me to finally open my eyes and my heart and begin living?
After so much tragedy, I’ve been able to create a life that I love.
In this moment, as I’m lying in the grass with my children, the sun falling on my face, it’s the sound of Taylor’s laughter as she giggles at something her brother has done that’s filling me with peace.
Her smile reminds me of a girl I once pledged my life to, and I wonder about the gift of little reminders like that.
“Dad, toss me,” she cries.
I can’t say no to her, so up she goes, flying through the air for just a second before she’s back in my arms, safe. When I set her on her feet, she wobbles for a moment and then falls, laughing loudly as if it were the funniest thing in the world. It’s enough to draw her brother away from the football game he’s playing with Quaid. He tells us he’s getting too old to play childish games with Taylor, but he never fails to drop what he’s doing whenever she’s near.
When Eric gets to Taylor, she whispers something in his ear mischievously. Whatever she’s said must have been convincing, because within seconds, he’s joined forces with his sister as they both run towards me and flop down on me.
I gasp when Eric’s knee falls into my stomach, and then I pause.
I always sense Valentina, since she’s everywhere I look and never far from my thoughts. But the energy simmering under my skin is too strong to ignore, and I turn my head in the direction of the dream house we built for her to find her.
She steps out of the doorway just then, Logan’s arm wrapped around her and her hand on her ever-growing bump. Our third child will be here soon, and I send up a prayer that she will look just like Valentina.
Every day with her is a miracle.
That day in the hospital when we thought we’d lost her taught me that lesson in a way that I’ll never forget. Sometimes, I can scarcely believe that this is our life. That I get to wake up every day with my brothers and the love of my existence.
We’ve made a life for ourselves out here in the house that Val’s dad designed for us. Sometimes, I can feel his presence nearby, like he’s watching over all of us, smiling down at the happiness we’ve created together.
I watch as Quaid walks over and swings Valentina up in his arms, her laughter filling the air. The kids pretend to be grossed out over how we can’t keep our hands off their mother, but I know that they go to bed knowing their parents love each other and them with all of their hearts…so I think they will survive the momentary embarrassment over our PDA.