I wake up sometime in the middle of the night with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, craving water. Careful not to wake Theo, I creep out from under the covers and tiptoe out of his room. I check on Mom first.
She’s still fast asleep, and Caz is snoring in the chair, the blanket pooled by his feet on the floor. I check Saint’s room and Galen’s room, finding Galen passed out, but Saint’s bed is empty, meaning he’s still on guard duty downstairs.
I walk downstairs, finding him at the kitchen counter, pouring coffee down his throat in an attempt to keep awake.
“Hey.”
He jumps, spilling coffee down the front of his shirt.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“What are you doing up?” His eyes trail the length of my bare legs.
“I woke up thirsty.”
He slides off the stool, walking to the refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of water.
“Thanks.” I kiss his lips quickly as I accept the water, hauling myself up onto the stool beside him.
“No sign of the bastard, I assume,” I say, uncapping my water.
He shakes his head. “He’s most likely crashing at HQ, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”
I glance at the clock. It’s five a.m., and it’s unlikely he’ll return any time soon. Sinner likes to burn the midnight oil, and he rarely surfaces before midday. “You should go to bed. You look tired.” I rub at the shadows under his eyes. “I’m going to watch over Mom for a while. I doubt I’ll be able to go back to sleep, and I have some thinking to do.”
“He’s a sick bastard,” he seethes, and a muscle pops in his jaw. “I’d like to say I’m surprised he’d do that to the woman he claims to love, but I’ve seen how he’s treated his girlfriends over the years. He’s a complete prick, and I doubt he’s finished using Giana to get to you.”
“Which is why I need to make my decision. There is no time to waste.”
“There isn’t,” Saint agrees, sliding his cell to me. “I was going to show you this in the morning.”
I read the text from Sinner confirming there will be a junior chapter meeting held next Friday evening. He’s requested my presence, and that’s all I need to know.
I hand him back his phone, sipping my water. “Can we pull it off on such short notice?”
“It’ll be tight, but we’ll make it happen. Sinner isn’t the only one with useful contacts.”
“Good.” I climb down, tugging on his arm. “Come on. Bed for you.”
I kiss Saint at his door, ignoring the pull to go inside. My pussy is such a greedy bitch.
Caz is grumpy when I wake him, refusing to trade guard duty with me, until I threaten to withhold sex, and he bolts like a racehorse let out of the gate.
I pull the covers up over Mom before settling in the chair to think. My head is clearer thanks to the weed and my talk with Saint earlier. Since the guys proposed the marriage idea to me yesterday morning, my emotions have veered all over the place, but I know what I should do now.
I pretty much ruled Theo and Caz out straightaway. On paper, Theo is the ideal husband, and we share an intense connection. He knows me inside and out, and his tender care of me tonight only cements that opinion.
But Theo is still confused over his sexuality, and there are feelings between him and Caz, which is something I don’t want to get in the middle of. I don’t want to tie either of them into marriage with me, because that could confuse things. I know they love me. That they will always be in my life, but I don’t want to put restraints on either of them.
So, that left Galen and Saint, and that’s been my biggest dilemma—which Lennox cousin to choose.
I could see myself marrying Galen because his pain speaks to mine and we lash out in the exact same way. Out of all my relationships, that is the one that has grown the most. Galen has opened himself up to me, and it’s a beautiful thing. I’ve also seen the life he leads, and, arguably, he needs me more than the others.
But, so does Saint. He’s never known love. He’s never known anything but hate. I’ve watched him today, when he thinks I’m not looking, and I know he thinks he’s hiding his feelings, but he can’t hide from me anymore. He’s been wearing his vulnerability on his sleeve all day.
I made the decision after our talk, but then all that shit went down, and I needed time to reflect on it, to make sure I’m sure.
And I am.
It’s not because Galen graciously bowed out, making the decision easier, although I love him for telling me and trying to ease my pain. When it boils down to it, I would be making this choice even if Galen still had a horse in the race.
Saint is the most obvious choice—he’s junior chapter leader, Sinner’s son, and he carries the most clout—but that’s not the reason either.
Out of all my guys, Saint would be the one most devastated if I didn’t choose him. He would see it as a rejection, and it would gut him.
The others will understand and be fine with it. I’m confident about that, but Saint would carry that pain in his heart forever, and I cannot hurt him like that. I won’t hurt him, because I love him too much to not give him this.
If I’m really honest with myself, it has always been Saint, because I fell in love with him first—at thirteen, during one of the worst moments in my life. The connection we forged that day never went away. For either of us.
I smile to myself as the angsty feeling in my chest disappears, replaced with a calm peace. Butterflies invade my chest, fluttering around, making me feel giddy. When the guys first suggested this, I thought they were all swinging from the cray-cray tree. But now it’s clear they know me even better than I know myself, because this isn’t a means to an end, this isn’t a burden, and this is always the way it was meant to be.
And I’m excited.
I want to marry Saint, and screw anyone who says we’re too young to know what’s in our hearts, because they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. I used to want a marriage like my parents had, but it’s become obvious their marriage wasn’t the fantasy I built it up to be.
What I have with Saint—with all my guys—is as fucking real as it gets.
They would take a bullet for me, and I would take a bullet for them.
We don’t sugarcoat shit, telling it straight, no matter how painful the truth is.
We fight as much as we fuck.
But when it comes down to it, we are there for one another with no questions asked.
Their love isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. It’s rough, it’s tough, and sometimes it hurts, but I wouldn’t have it any other way, because we’re a team. I may be marrying Saint Lennox, but in my heart, I will be marrying all of them, and nothing or no one is ever going to tear us apart.
Especially not Neo “Sinner” Lennox.
CHAPTER 13
“WHERE ARE YOU going?” Caz asks, ambling into the kitchen, rubbing his tired eyes, as I snatch my jacket from the back of the chair.
“I’ve got a few errands to run.” I’m deliberately vague, because I don’t want them to know what I’m up to.
“I’ll come with,” he offers, stifling a yawn.