Much of the ceremony is a blur because I’m transfixed by the man unraveling before my eyes. I’ve never seen so much emotion on Saint’s face before, and to know it’s all for me is mind-fucking-blowing.
He stumbles over his vows, and tears well in my eyes as I watch my brave, broken, sexy boy commit himself to me. My vows ring out confident and clear, and I keep my eyes on Saint, as I recite the words, until the very end when I purposely lock eyes with Caz, Theo, and Galen too. We exchange rings, and I get tingles sliding the black band on Saint’s finger, knowing he’s mine for life.
Saint kisses the shit out of me when the officiant confirms we are husband and wife, and I’m barely breathing when I finally come up for air.
The poor officiant almost keels over in shock when I kiss each of my guys in turn, and I’m waylaid as a fit of giggles accosts me. I double over laughing, because the look on his face is priceless, and I’m betting this is one wedding he won’t forget in a hurry.
Saint clutches our wedding certificate in one hand, and me in the other, as we make our way out of the building with matching wide smiles.
We pose on the steps for some official photos, and then Theo gives the photographer and our driver the address for the commitment ceremony, and we get back in the limo. I cannot believe they went to such lengths to ensure today was special, and it only makes me love them more.
“Ready to get married again, wifey,” Caz teases, as we pile out of the limo at the small private building where our group union is being celebrated.
“You betcha,” I say, looping my arm through his and letting him lead the way.
Tamara, the female celebrant, greets us when we arrive, ushering us into a cozy waiting room filled with colorful couches and an assortment of bean bags. She runs through the ceremony with us, explaining a few things, before stepping into the room next door, giving us a few moments alone.
Saint and Galen are on either side of me, and I fling my arms around them, urging the other two to join us with my eyes. We stand in a circle, with our arms locked around one another, and no words are spoken, because none are needed. Emotion is thick in the air and in their eyes, as my gaze meets theirs, one at a time. My heart pounds as the magnitude of what we are about to do truly sinks in.
This is it.
The moment we bond ourselves together for life, because there’s no doubt we’re in this forever.
The strains of my favorite Paramore song waft from under the door, and we break apart with matching smiles. Saint and I slip our wedding bands off, adding them to the box Theo holds open with the other three bands. Then Saint opens the double doors to the main room, and one by one, my handsome guys walk up the aisle, carpeted in a purple-and-gold-patterned rug. The quaint little room is adorned with large, vibrant prints on the wall, an abundance of floral arrangements, and cute little wooden chairs decorated with white ribbons.
I have no nerves as I follow last, singing along with Hayley Williams, clutching my bouquet in my hands, grinning as my guys watch me walk toward them with various adoring awestruck looks.
We hold hands in a circle as Tamara conducts the ceremony, and this time, I hear every beautiful word. My smile is so wide it threatens to split my face, and my heart is so full I half-expect it to burst from my chest.
She speaks of a commitment of the heart and the soul and how love transcends all. One by one, we speak the vows we each wrote, and I can’t hold my tears at bay any longer. I have to repeatedly pause when reciting my vows, overwhelmed with the love pouring into me from my four men.
“When I was young, I aspired to a love like my parents had,” I say, smiling at all of them. “I wanted to find that one person who owned half of my soul and bond myself to him for life. After I was kidnapped, I lost the part of my soul that believed in good things and I struggled to hold on to the notion that I deserved love. I couldn’t believe love was strong enough to mend the splinters in my heart and the damage to my psyche.” I smile through my tears at Theo. “You helped to restore my hope, but when we ended, I fell into a deeper well, and I did what I needed to, to survive. I shut off my heart to protect myself from ever feeling heartbreak again, and I closed myself completely to the notion of love.”
My chest heaves as I stop to draw a breath. “And it worked for a long time. I existed by numbing myself to all feeling, but I wasn’t really living. I never thought I’d find anyone worthy enough to crack through the shell I’d erected around my heart. Until I met all of you.”
My lower lip wobbles, and tears spill down my cheeks. “Just look at how far I’ve come,” I add spontaneously, laughing through my tears.
Saint lifts his hand, brushing my tears away.
Tamara smiles warmly, encouraging me to go on.
“I didn’t even cry at my father’s funeral,” I admit, my tears giving way to overwhelming sadness. “And I loved him so damn much, but that’s how closed off I was.” I let my gaze linger on each one of them in turn. “When all that stuff came to light about my dad, and I realized my parents’ marriage wasn’t what I’d thought it was, I would’ve convinced myself love didn’t exist, if I didn’t have you. Every day I struggled to accept what I now knew of the past, you were there, showing me what true love looks like and feels like.”
I lift my shoulders confidently, and the swell of love in my heart for these guys is irrefutable and infinite. “Love isn’t hearts and flowers or unicorns and rainbows. It’s messy. It’s real. It’s raw. It’s flawed. It hurts as much as it heals. But true love is life, because that’s what you’ve all breathed into me. I’m finally living because your love has broken through my walls, and you’ve reached deep inside me, reminding me who I am, demonstrating that love does exist and that I am worthy of it.”
I stop again, and my chest heaves with the weight of the love I feel for them. “I love you all now and for the rest of my life. You are the missing pieces of my soul I didn’t realize I was searching for. Now, I feel whole.” A serene calmness washes over me as the words resonate deep in my heart and soul.
I look to my left, at Theo, and we break our handhold so he can retrieve the box with our rings. I remove Theo’s first. “I thought of engraving your rings with a different message for each one of you, but I changed my mind. I love you all equally, even though what we share is uniquely different, because you all love and support me in different ways. But the sentiment is the same. I didn’t believe love existed for me—until I found you.” I let my gaze roam between them. “You are the only exception.” There’s a reason I’ve been hooked on this particular Paramore song for weeks. The words speak to my very soul, and there was no other fitting phrase to engrave on their rings.
I slide the bands on each of their fingers, fighting a fresh bout of emotion. “I want you to wear those words on your fingers and imprint them into your hearts forever more, because you are the only ones who were ever worthy of my heart, and you are the only ones who will ever own it.”
CHAPTER 19
WE’RE ALL GIDDY, and maybe a little drunk, as we leave the restaurant, spilling out into the dark, chilly nighttime air. Caz and I are walking ahead of the others. “Fuck, my balls are icing up,” Caz moans, wrapping his arms around his chest as we walk down the sidewalk toward the limo.