I don’t have to think about it for long to understand what she’s getting at. “I did that with you.”
She nods, still holding my chin as her eyes penetrate mine. “You trusted me enough to let me use all manner of sex toys on you. You even let me fuck you with a strap-on a few times. Yet you only knew me for a few months. You’ve known Caz for years.”
“I feel like a fraud,” I admit in a whisper.
“Why?”
“Because I still don’t know who I am or what I am.”
Her lips purse, and heat flares in her eyes. “This better not be about labels, Theo, because we’ve already had this discussion. You are you.” She slides her hand down to my chest. “One of the smartest, kindest, most loyal people I know.”
“You forgot sexiest,” I quip.
Her lips kick up. “That goes without saying.” Her smile softens. “We are who we are at any given moment in time, but it’s always evolving, because that’s in our nature. And we’re only at the start of this journey called life.”
“I love how you own who you are. No apologies or fucks given,” I admit.
“That.” She prods my chest. “That is exactly what I’m talking about. I knew that Theo one time. A boy who was excited to explore possibilities. What’s changed?”
I dig deep to unroot the truth I’ve always known these past couple of years. “My parents are in my head. They cast me away for being me. Maybe that’s when I stopped owning who I was and the image of who I wanted to be.”
“Fuck those motherfucking assholes,” Lo hisses, fire dancing in her eyes. “They are such hypocrites. They defied your mom’s parents for love, but now their heads are so far up their asses they can’t see how they are doing to you what her parents tried to do to them.”
It’s a true assessment. A truth I’ve told myself many times, but their words cut deep, slicing at the very core of who I was becoming. “The logical part of my brain agrees with you, but there’s an innate part of me that thinks everyone else will react the same if I show them who I truly am.”
“I know who you are. So do the guys. And we all love you for being you. We will support you, no matter what. No questions asked.”
“Is that why Saint and Galen haven’t said one word to me?” I’ve seen the knowing looks these past few weeks, confirming they’ve seen the attraction between Caz and me. I expected Saint to come knocking on my door, but their silence has been deafening.
“Like me, they didn’t want to interfere,” Lo says, adding, “unlike me, they’re not so comfortable speaking about feelings and emotions.”
“This will complicate things.” It already has.
“We’ll uncomplicate it.” She shrugs as if it’s that simple. “Together. Like we have with every other situation we’ve faced.” Pressing her lips to my cheek, she adds. “I’m sensing there’s more.”
“I’m scared. Everything I’ve ever wanted is within reach. I have you, and maybe him, and a real shot at happiness. What if the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy?”
“We make our own reality, Theo. Others may try to control us, but they don’t. Why can’t you make your fantasy your new reality?”
Man, she really does make it sound so simple. I’m not naïve. I know it’s not. But Lo is helping me knock down the obstacles, one at a time, and my heart is already steadier, a serene sort of calmness lapping at the embers inside me, helping me feel more like me.
“What if I’m no good at it? What if I fuck everything up for all of us?”
A mischievous glint shines from her eyes. “Trust me, you have this sex thing nailed down tight.” She presses her mouth to my ear, and her warm breath raises goose bumps all over my skin. “You’re a fucking God in the bedroom, Theo. You just need to believe in yourself.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” I grin, sitting up, the scalp massage long since forgotten. “And you may be biased because we were always straight fire between the sheets.”
“Just so you know, you’re making me wet, and I didn’t get off because someone I love had a bit of a meltdown before I got there.”
I clasp her hip. “Don’t worry, my queen. I’ll make sure you’re looked after once I complete the meltdown mode.” A shuddering sigh releases from my mouth, as I let go of everything tethering me to fear. “But I wasn’t talking about sex. We’re building something special here, Lo. Something permanent and long-lasting because you’re our forever and we are yours. I don’t want to fuck that up.”
“You can’t carry that burden entirely on your shoulders, Theo. You aren’t responsible for our happiness. We’re each responsible for our own happiness. And we’re a team. We’ll figure this out together.”
“My dad said I ruin everything. That I’m a massive disappointment,” I admit, hearing the words in my ears as if he’s here whispering them to me. “What if he’s right? What if I ruin this?”
Holding my shoulders, she repositions us so we’re facing one another. “Fuck your dad. He’s an asshole for planting that doubt, and he’s wrong. You could never be a disappointment. Never.” She cups my face, inspecting my eyes as understanding sweeps across her features. “That’s why you like to be in control. Why you are always planning and organizing and making sure everything is in place. To ensure nothing goes wrong. To prove your value.” She lowers her voice. “Am I right?” I nod, because deep down inside, I know that’s the truth. “Do you feel in control now?” she asks.
I snort out a laugh. “I’ve never felt less in control.”
“Then it’s no wonder you’re scared. I don’t think this is about Caz at all. Not really.”
Slowly, the last of the fog clears as her words penetrate deep. “I want to live my life freely. But that’s the antithesis of control, so how do I marry the two?”
She shakes her head, and her breasts jiggle with the movement. Lust stirs in my loins, and my cock starts thickening, only now remembering we’re both naked, on a giant bed, with the heady scent of sex still permeating the air. “I don’t agree,” Lo says. “You can be free and still be in control. Isn’t that what freedom is? Having control over your life to live it as you please?”
I know exactly what I need to do. Scrambling off the bed, I extend my hand to her. “I need to talk to Caz. I want you there.”
Slowly, she crawls off the bed until she’s standing beside me. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to him alone?”
“Yes. You are the center of our world, and if Caz and I are to have any kind of relationship, we need to work out how to do that without affecting what we share with you.”
I pull on sweats, and Lo pulls Saint’s T-shirt on over her head. It hits her mid-thigh, and she looks hot as hell with her sex-tousled hair and those gorgeous long legs I daydream about. Reeling her into my chest, I plant a passionate kiss on her lips, holding her close. When our lips part, I press my forehead to hers. “Thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything but coax the truth from your mind.” Her hands land on my hips.