I spend the better part of ten minutes studying the walls, every glimpse of him excruciating. He got his looks from his mother mostly, his build, and smile from his father.
Years of photos of my first love line the walls, from little league to his prom along with family shots with celebrities who’ve dined here over the years. I search and search for recent photos and find none, knowing they’re in the restaurant somewhere, and cursing the fact that I’ll be obvious if I search for them. I hadn’t flinched when Tobias told me he was married, but I felt it. And the knowledge now feels like nails dragging across my chest.
Sean has a wife and two children. He married. He moved on as he should’ve.
I am happy for him. And a little jealous.
It’s hypocritical, but I am. I only want to remember the time when he was mine. It’s my God-given right not to know how happy he is.
No matter how unconventional, we had something good until everything went to hell. I was in love with him, until he was ripped away from me.
The dreams that I have that star him are sometimes the hardest. The love I had for him was pure and untainted. I don’t know how to measure love in totality. I only know how to love them individually. But the love that I feel for Tobias is too hard to separate from any other man. My contempt for him exceeds any other as well.
I search one more wall, simply for the capability of acceptance and come up empty. Maybe it’s best I don’t see them.
Old wounds threaten as I wash my hands and meet Melinda back at the table and dine with a lump in my throat.
I’m a creep.
I shouldn’t be here.
But I can’t pull myself away. So, I pick at my food, I listen to Melinda talk, and when we check out at the register, that lump turns into a boulder. Over the cashier’s shoulder is a picture of a little boy with hazel eyes, like those of his father. He’s beautiful in a way that has me staring long after is appropriate. Once we’ve paid, I break from Melinda’s hug on the street, promising to keep in touch just in time to catch the first tear with my scarf.
When I reach my car, I see Ryan standing next to it, his arms crossed, his ocean eyes softening as I walk up to him. I know my mascara is lining my face, and I don’t bother to hide the new tears that shimmer in my eyes. He approaches me and slowly lifts my scarf to help wipe the smudges from my face.
“You know one of the things I love most about you is that you have no idea just how beautiful you are.”
I scan his handsome face with regret. I know that if I hadn’t have moved to Triple Falls when I was nineteen, Ryan would have probably been my first real love. Maybe Collin would have been my second, and I wouldn’t be so absolutely fucked.
“I fell in love one too many times before I got to you.”
He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me. “He agreed to the terms, we sign tomorrow,” he whispers hoarsely. “I’m here as long as you need me, but when we conclude our business here…please consider this my notice of resignation.”
The next morning, after signing the papers with Ryan and setting up my temporary office, I drive back to the cemetery. I wasn’t here for the funeral, and that regret eats at me daily. The grey cloudy sky holds as I lay my jacket down and kneel before his headstone, setting my cell phone down after hitting play on Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here.”
“Dominic, do you have any idea how hard it is for a twenty-six-year-old white woman in a power suit to get weed in this town? The discrimination is real, my love.” I pull one of the joints I rolled from my pocket before adjusting myself on my jacket. “And you thought I was guilty of judging by appearance. People practically ran from me.” I let out a laugh. “And then I remembered you mentioning Wayne from the deli. Nice guy. Still works there.” I fire it up and take a long pull as the music lulls me into a more peaceful state.
For endless minutes I recall the rainy days we spent in his bed reading, the flash of teeth he gave me when he knew no one was looking. The soul he revealed to me in bits and pieces capable of something more. The longer I dwell where he rests, the more I become convinced he knew his time on earth would be short.
We both know I was never going to make it to thirty, brother. Take care of her.
He knew.
“What do you want for the future?”
“Nothing.”
He refused to let himself hope for anything. A true soldier, he wanted as few people as possible mourning him. And he’d let me love him. I was the girl honored enough to get close to him in a way few others did.
I reach out and palm the freezing stone. “God, I miss you. I miss you all the time. I’ll hear a song you played for me or read something good, and you’re the first person I want to tell.” Unable to handle the sting any longer, I let the tears fall at will.
“Motherfucker or not, I saw you. I saw you. I knew you. And I grieve for you every damn day. You lose, Dominic, because there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t mourn you.” I hiccup, my chest burning as I finally put a voice to years of pain. “Why? Why couldn’t you just wait for help?”
Breaking apart, the bitter wind adds a sting to the tears on my cheeks as more fall. It’s then I perk up with realization. I’ve felt it enough times to know, and it’s undeniable, tangible, it’s distinctly him.
“I know you’re there,” I say, taking one last drag of the joint before tossing it into the grass and standing. I turn to feel the inevitable jolt the minute I see Tobias just outside of the gate, watching me. It’s evident he’s been there a while, his face tinged red by the wind. The sight of him agonizing. He looks every bit like the polished man I met. Volatile amber eyes rest over the smooth planes of his face, his square jaw set. His thick, ink colored hair is swept back, not one lock out of place. His suit cloaked by a long grey trench coat and leather gloves. Do I still know him? Every bit of our eye exchange tells me I do, but that he will never admit it.
We stare off for endless seconds before I finally speak. “You want to know why I’m here?” I turn back to the grave. “I never left.”
The gate squeaks as he walks through and stands next to me to peer down where Dominic lies. And for several minutes, I know our collective thoughts are all about him and the moments before he left us.
Raw ache spreads through my chest as I try to imagine what it was like for him to bury his brother. As I try to imagine the crowd of people I grew to love all those years ago gathered here collectively mourning his passing, something I was deprived of.
“I have to believe that forgiveness is possible, because if I don’t, if I don’t…Tobias, I won’t be able to live like this, I can’t live like this anymore. I want so much to make peace with the naïve girl I was. Not to blame myself for what happened but—”
He shakes his head as if to refute the idea.
“I want so much to move on as you all seem to have,” I admit. “I do, but it’s been impossible for me. I never got the chance to say goodbye,” I say, choking on my words.
Briefly, his stare flits with emotion before his expression grows cold and unforgiving. It’s everything I expected and nothing I would ever want.
“I’m here for the same reason you are. To mourn him. To miss him. I have a right to be here.” His empty stare rips me to shreds. Part of me wants to retreat safely back into the life I had just days before, to beg Collin to forgive me, and take back the future I destroyed, but I know better. And the reason is standing in front of me, a shell of the man I once knew.