I took a breath and closed my eyes, willing away the sadness and the homesickness. Focus on my studies and stop being distracted by Lucas. Right. I could do that.
“Okay,” I breathed. “Okay, that I can do.”
“And, you know, if the opportunity arises…”
“M-o-m,” I whined like a fourteen-year-old.
“What? I’m just saying, don’t slam that door shut between you and Lucas.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever, Mom,” I said, but I was smiling. “I’ll talk to you soon. Say hello to Dad for me.”
“I will, baby. I love you.”
“I love you too,” I said.
I tossed the phone aside and took another deep breath. I could focus on my work and avoid Lucas as much as possible. There was no need for him to come with me when I went to interview the people of Kalopsia. I had Deacon, the chauffeur, and if I needed anyone else, I’m sure the queen could organize a companion for me.
With a plan of action decided, I sat up and straightened my shoulders. It was only a couple more weeks and this island—and this castle—were big enough to avoid Lucas as much as I needed to. Besides, he would be busy with his new plan to reinstate Andino Raïda in the old distillery. He wouldn’t have time for me.
I shoved aside the disappointment at not seeing him and spending time with him. I’d enjoyed our time together, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep torturing myself with dead end fantasies. I needed to do what I came here to do and then go home and leave Lucas and his new life behind.
Lucas
I left the palace and walked toward the garage where I usually met Frankie for our afternoon foray into the village to talk to the residents. She hadn’t come down from her room for lunch. Sophia told me she was working on her dissertation and while I believed that was true, I couldn’t help wondering if Frankie was really just avoiding me. Well, she couldn’t avoid me now. We were going to spend the next couple of hours together and although it wasn’t the best environment for a heart-to-heart talk, we had the car ride down and then back up and maybe I could fix what I’d broken this morning.
“Lord Lucas?” one of the men asked as I approached the spot where Deacon usually waited with the car. There was no car and no Deacon.
“Um, I was waiting for Ms. Davenport,” I said, looking around.
“She already left,” the man said. I didn’t know his name, but I’d seen him round.
“She left?” I asked, and I had the worst feeling in my gut that Frankie hadn’t just left the palace but that she’d left Kalopsia altogether.
“Yes, sir,” the man replied. “Deacon took her down into the village for her research.”
Relief flooded me. She hadn’t left for good. That was something, at least. She was still avoiding me, which wasn’t so great, but at least it was better than her high-tailing it out of here and leaving me.
“Thank you,” I said to the man, turning back to the palace.
I would let her go, let her have the afternoon to herself. But she had to dine with us tonight and then I would escort her back to her suite and maybe I would take the long way and wander through the gardens on the way and give us some time together, alone. She couldn’t avoid me forever.
I strode back to my office with a sense of purpose. It was an odd feeling, and I wasn’t quite sure where it came from. Frankie was avoiding me and I should let her. She’d made it clear to me this morning that she had no desire to be more than just friends, but I couldn’t let it go. Her actions may have spoken loudly—practically shouted at me—but neither of us had actually said anything. And I wanted to say something.
This was new, unexplored territory for me. I was not the most forthcoming guy in the world and I was a champion avoider. In fact, if avoidance was an Olympic sport, I would be a gold medalist. And yet, for that split second when I thought Frankie had left me and Kalopsia forever, something changed. There was something about the finality of her leaving and I just couldn’t let her go without telling her how I really felt.
Okay, maybe I couldn’t just blurt the words out. If Frankie was already thinking of running away, then me blurting out that I was in love with her would just make her run all the faster. No. First I needed to get us back to the easy camaraderie we had for years. I needed to break through this awkwardness and find the ease that characterized our entire friendship. Frankie was the first, and for a long time, the only person who made me feel completely at ease. I hadn’t even felt that comfortable around Clarissa. In hindsight, that should have been a red flag, but I’d been too focused on finding the ‘right’ woman to marry instead of finding the right woman for me.
And Frankie may very well not be the woman I would eventually marry, but unless I put my feelings out there, I would never know. Unless I took a chance, I would be forever wondering ‘what-if?’ I’d been living a half-life for so long. I spent my entire life trying to stay small, stay quiet, stay unnoticed, and I was sick of it. I was sick of forever giving up on the things I wanted just to avoid some conflict or awkwardness. I would never be like my sister, Effie, or Dorian, but I didn’t want to be like them. I just wanted to be able to speak up about the things that were important to me. I wanted to be bold enough to go after what I wanted instead of being happy to accept whatever scraps were thrown my way.
I felt the familiar roiling of my anxiety even as I thought these things. I shook my hands out and rolled my shoulders. I hated this physical response. I hated the way I had no control over how my body reacted to perceived threats, and stepping out of my comfort zone was definitely a threat, or so my body was telling me. It would be easier to just forget it, to just let Frankie walk away, and yet…I couldn’t.
My anxiety had ruled my life for too long. Easing that uncomfortable feeling under my skin had always been my priority, but now there was something more important than my comfort level. Frankie. Having Frankie in my life and being honest with her about the way I felt, that was far more important than the way I felt right at the moment.
Talking to Frankie and laying my cards on the table would not miraculously cure my anxiety. I knew that. I’d lived with it long enough that I expected to never be free of it. It was part of me, but maybe, just maybe, I could overcome my initial tendencies for Frankie. Yes, she could shoot me down in flames and still walk away, but in some respects, that would be a relief. I would know one way or another then. It would be far better than this weird limbo I was currently languishing in. It was the uncertainty that made the anxiety worse and if I could push through it and find out once and for all if there was any possible way Frankie and I could be together, then I could live with the consequences, whatever they might be.
Francesca
I was a coward. Skipping out on Lucas to go into the village without him was cowardly and silly and…and yet, I just wasn’t ready to see him or spend time with him in the small confines of the car.
Everyone asked where he was when I arrived at the little bar where I’d—where we’d—been spending most afternoons, and I had to lie and say he was too busy to come. The women had clucked their tongues, but the men had nodded knowingly.