His jaw tics. His eyes glisten as he stares at me. “What are you saying?”
It hurts like hell, looking at him. Knowing that I’m pushing away the best person I’ve ever had in my life, but that’s the problem. I don’t belong with someone as good as Ren. He’s not detached enough, not selfish enough. His boundaries are too lax, his impulse for intimacy too quick.
The truth is there, like it’s always been. Sunshine and storms share the sky, but never together. They brush, tangential, fleeting moments of breathtaking beauty—the burning, life-giving sun piercing through a blackened sky—until it’s over so quick, it makes you wonder if it ever happened at all.
“I’m saying you should leave, Ren.”
He rears back like I’ve struck him. Blinking, he glances away, then down to the ground. “You don’t mean that, Frankie. You’re angry. And while I disagree with you, you’re allowed to be angry with me. But I’m not leaving.”
I shut my eyes, press my back into the bed, and swallow my tears. “Yes, you are.”
“Frankie—”
“Get out.”
It’s silent for a long moment. Nothing but ambient noises—doors open and shut, the beep of a machine. I keep my eyes closed, hold my breath, and pray for the torturous moment to end.
Suddenly his voice is near my ear. “I’ll give you time. But I’m not walking away from this, not for good. You deserve better than that. And I do, too.”
I bite my tongue, tears slipping down my cheeks. Finally, I feel his heat, that clean, spicy scent drift away. Long strides fade from the room before the door clicks shut.
And then I fall apart.
Not a minute later, Lo reenters my room and looks straight from my tear-stained face to Ren’s empty chair. “Okay. What level of self-sabotage did we just activate?”
I dab my eyes with one hand, and with the other, lift a sparkly painted middle finger.
“Grumpy meets glitter,” she says. “I like that.”
“It’s been that way forever.”
“Just like your piss-poor attitude.”
I slam a fist into the bed and glare at her. “I sent him packing. I can send you, too.”
“Ooh.” She fakes a shiver. “I’m scared.”
I clench my jaw and shut my eyes again. Closing the door behind her, Lo takes her time walking over to me.
“Actually,” she says, “you’re the one who’s scared.” My hands twist the sheets as Lo drags Ren’s chair next to the bed and plops down on it. “The question is, what exactly are you scared of?”
When I don’t answer her, she wraps her hand around mine and leans in. “Relationships aren’t perfect, Frankie. They’re living, breathing things. They have growing pains. They have highs and lows. They take trust and forgiveness. They don’t require perfection or flawlessness. They just require two people who want to love each other and keep learning the best way to do that.”
I open my eyes and slant her a sharp look. “Who needs the Hallmark Channel when I have you and Ren?”
Lo searches my face. “Oh, honey.” She sighs and thumbs away my tears. “That’s what you’re scared of, huh? Being loved by that big redhead teddy of a lover who worships the ground you walk on?”
I wipe a stray tear angrily from my cheek. “I kicked him out, Lo. What did I do?”
“You reacted badly to being loved well.”
“I love him,” I sob, covering my face. “And I just made him leave.”
“I know, Frankie. And that is what we have to work on. Because Ren doesn’t need that shit in his life, and neither do you.” Lo gently squeezes my hand. “So, what’s the therapist say? When you’ve talked to her about him?”
“Well…” I clear my throat. “I haven’t actually—”
“Oh, woman.” Lo releases my hand. “You haven’t talked to her about him.”
I shake my head.
“Because you knew what she was going to remind you about, and you’re too scared to own the truth she would have dropped on you.”
I nod.
“Which is?” Lo presses.
“That I deserve love for being exactly who I am,” I admit miserably. “That the person worthy of my love will love all of me.”
Exactly what my therapist has told me. Exactly what I told Ren that night on the beach. I’m damn good at giving advice and shit at taking it.
Lo sits back in her chair and throws her feet on the bed. “That’s right. So you’ve got to make a decision. If you believe you’re lovable, you have to believe there’s someone out there up for loving you. Isn’t that him?”
“Yes,” I whisper, as I wipe away tears.
“No, you will never know if he’s going to hurt you, not definitively. Guess what, Frankie? Nobody knows if love’s going to hurt them. You simply have to take a chance.”
My breath comes fast and short. I fist the sheets, trying to breathe. God, I fucked this up. So badly. I’m still terrified and insecure and insanely vulnerable, but she’s right. I’m right. If anyone is going to love me, if there’s anyone I want to love and be worthy of loving, it’s Ren. And when he showed me how much he felt that way about me, I pushed him away. Because this is frightening. Beautifully, vulnerably frightening.
I try to smile at her. “It’ll be fine. I’m okay.”
She cocks an eyebrow. “Really? ’Cause you look like you’re trying not to shit yourself.”
I groan. “You know I can’t smile on command.”
“So why try with me?”
“Smiling conveys all-right-ness. I’m trying to show you that I can handle this.”
“Hey.” Lo squeezes my hand. “Yes, you’re going to be all right. And yes, you can handle this. But guess what?”
“What?”
She smiles. “You don’t have to do it alone.”
Three weeks. Lots of bickering with Lo, who just finally left my place a few days ago, when she was confident that I wasn’t going to pass out in the shower or spiral into another fit of anxious sobbing. Five tele-therapy sessions with my counselor to actually talk through my hang-ups about having a relationship.
I’m not fixed. I’m not perfect. And I never will be. But I’m healthy enough to travel and ready to be brave. I can only hope Ren will find that’s enough for him.
At the airport, I sit in the terminal, phone pinched between my ear and shoulder.
“So listen,” Willa says over the line. “Word is Aiden showed up at the Love Shack—”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“The Love Shack,” she says simply. “Trust me. Once you get to the A-frame, it will all be very clear.”
“I’ll be lucky if Ren doesn’t spin me around in the road and tell me to go right back where I came from.”
Willa snort-laughs. “Please. He’s going to lose his shit with happiness when he sees you. The person he’s going to send packing is Aiden.”
“Just don’t pull away as soon as you drop me off.”
“Of course, I won’t,” she says. “But I’m telling you, you have nothing to worry about—”