‘It’s possible you’ve locked up that part of you,’ Andy said carefully. ‘Psychologically speaking, you may be protecting yourself from allowing a deeper connection. But it won’t have gone for ever. If something is switched off, then I can assure you it’s capable of being switched on again. Coming here might have been the start, and maybe meeting Mia was another part of that process.’
‘Are you going to try again?’ Hattie asked.
‘I feel like maybe I should, but I’m in no rush.’
‘That’s fair,’ Cathryn said.
‘What about you, Kate?’ Hattie challenged.
‘Hang on, what have I missed?’ Lizzie asked. ‘Did Kate and Freddie date each other? I’m confused.’
Freddie blanched at the suggestion and, when he dared glance up at Kate, noticed that she had flushed scarlet. Her reaction eased some of the discomfort he felt. She caught his eye and he smiled.
‘No!’ Hattie hissed. ‘I suggested they go out and meet people. Which I know isn’t in the group rules – sorry Andy – but we’re just catching up on how they did. Separately.’
‘I signed up for a speed-dating event,’ Kate revealed, her blush still evident.
‘Oh, I’ve always wanted to try that,’ Cathryn said enthusiastically.
‘I just didn’t stay for it,’ Kate finished.
‘Ah.’
‘What happened?’ Andy asked.
‘I don’t know. Maybe I just realised that I hated myself and that meant everybody else would hate me too?’ She was trying to make light of it, to make the situation seem funny and out of her control. It was a defence mechanism that Freddie recognised and understood keenly.
‘Do you really hate yourself?’ Hattie asked, concerned. Kate just shrugged in reply.
‘What scared you?’ Andy asked.
‘Scared me?’ Kate was resisting. Her arms were folded across her chest now, and her legs crossed underneath her chair. Freddie saw it all, and felt the kinship strengthen.
‘I’d be terrified of a speed-dating thing. Sounds like my worst nightmare,’ Hattie said, trying to be supportive. ‘Just a meat market. Sell yourself in two minutes: go! On to the next one. Go! Like you can understand all the important stuff in two minutes.’
‘Maybe it’s not about the important stuff,’ Lizzie said. ‘Maybe it’s about the first impression. You can learn a lot in a first impression.’
‘Honestly, I think it’s just a lust thing,’ said Hattie, ignoring her. ‘I mean yes, so maybe first impressions are important. I get it. You need to look sharp sometimes, have the aesthetic on point for people to take you seriously. Job interviews and all that. That’s great, but when we’re talking about speed dating? First impressions in those situations basically amount to “do I want to sleep with you”?’
‘What if some people want those things?’ Andy put to the group. ‘What’s so wrong with taking someone’s appearance at face value, deciding if we like it, if they’re hot or not, if you will, and then just having sex and enjoying ourselves?’
‘Because some of us aren’t hot,’ Kate said plainly. She wasn’t joking now. ‘Some of us will never be hot.’
‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ said Lizzie, her voice high and wistful.
‘But I’m not sure that really means anything,’ said Kate. ‘Nobody notices me. If I’d hung around at that speed-dating thing, I know I wouldn’t have ended up with any dates, because I saw the other options. I can’t see how I’d have anything to offer, compared to the other girls there.’
‘I don’t think that’s true,’ said Cathryn. Freddie agreed, but didn’t say anything.
‘I’m not fishing for compliments. It’s how I really feel.’ Kate paused, composing herself. ‘Sorry, it’s been tough for me lately.’
‘You’re doing fine, lovely.’ Cathryn leaned over to place a hand on Kate’s shoulder.
‘I decided to move back in with my parents because I can’t afford the place I’ve been living in for the past few years any more. My best friend and flatmate got the job of her dreams, except that it’s on the other side of the world, and my career trajectory has flatlined. I just don’t know what to do. I know that a lot of people have things a lot worse, but that doesn’t stop me feeling really insecure about everything. About myself too. Sometimes I wonder, if I were beautiful, not in that inner sense, but if I were objectively hot, then I wouldn’t be in this mess. That life would be ten times easier. It sounds stupid, I know. Maybe I’d be married by now. I’d have a house and babies. Like everyone else.’
‘Not everyone is married with babies; in fact, statistically fewer people your age are married with babies than ever,’ Hattie said.
‘But it feels that way to me,’ Kate replied.
‘Do you even want to be married?’ Andy asked.
‘That’s the thing. I really don’t. Not now, anyway. Not any time soon. I just wonder if life would be easier if it had all worked out that way. Instead of this way. Which, frankly, sucks. Wouldn’t I be happier if I was married?’
‘Marriage doesn’t make you happy,’ Hattie said.
‘I don’t know,’ Lizzie countered. ‘I think I understand what Kate is saying. I thought I would be married too. I thought that I had found my one true love and that I wouldn’t have to worry about anything else after that. But then he wasn’t there any more, and I haven’t been the same since. Nothing has been right.’
Cathryn reached over to Lizzie and put a sympathetic hand on her arm. Freddie looked around and noticed Steve shifting in his seat, pained and uncomfortable. He’d been so quiet through the whole session, it was easy to forget that he was even there.
‘I know you think that, but who says that finding your perfect partner is the one key to making you happy?’ Cathryn said. ‘There are lots of things that could make you happy. You can’t spend your whole life like Miss Havisham. You’ve got to go out, find new ways to make yourself happy, be active in creating happiness.’
Freddie was playing with his fingers again, picking at another uneven cuticle. He was hearing what Cathryn was saying, and it made sense. But there was still a part of him that thought that if he had a girlfriend, maybe if Camellia had been available and waiting for him that night at the Leavers’ Ball, things would have turned out differently. He wouldn’t be the way he was now.
‘How do you know that finding the right person isn’t the key to happiness? What if it is?’ he asked.
‘So what about the people who have lots of partners? Or choose to have no partner? Are they doomed to be unhappy for ever?’ Hattie was sceptical, a single eyebrow arched.
‘Maybe it’s different for everyone. But what if it’s true for some people?’ Freddie wondered out loud.
‘I don’t think it’s wise to fixate on another person being the answer to all your problems,’ Andy said gently.
‘There’s no such thing as a happily ever after,’ Hattie agreed. ‘Let’s say you meet your soul mate, if soul mates even exist . . . and then what? You could still lose your job. You could still have financial problems. Accidents and diseases and everything else. Being in love doesn’t stop any of that from happening.’