“Duly noted.”
FRIDAY AFTERNOON, JORDAN says, “I’m doing this for you,” as she rolls out a yoga mat.
“Thank you. But you’ll be thanking me later when you finally release that hunched-over-my-laptop-all-the-time look you have going on.”
She responds with a dramatic eye-roll and then reaches over and jabs me in the shoulder.
That’s the great thing with Jordan—we can tease each other, disagree, sometimes make the other dissolve into tears (good and bad), and our friendship is the stronger for it. I think of Stacey’s backhanded compliments or Kate’s appearing to agree with me and then disappearing altogether; Jordan has told me some harsh truths about myself lately, but rather than begrudge her, I’m grateful to her.
When the instructor comes in and introduces herself as Harmony Faith, Jordan sneaks me a look as if to say, “Is she for real?” which I ignore. I had taken this instructor’s yoga class last night when we got in and I liked how she read from her journal. And, as someone doing a lot of journaling lately, I’m curious what Harmony is going to read today.
“Today I would like to read an entry that I wrote about confrontation.” She talks about how she realized that she didn’t want to confront people who had hurt her or even something as simple as bad service or a job not done well. Instead of speaking up, she’d stifle those feelings and create anger and resentment inside herself to avoid an uncomfortable situation. When she considered confrontation in a different way, she realized that she could do it from a place of love. That the person who did a bad job deserved feedback and that she was helping them improve their work. Or that the person who hurt her might not know it, and confrontation allowed them a chance to explain or apologize and become more aware of their behavior in the future. Harmony’s lesson was that confrontation doesn’t have to come from a place of hurt or anger, but can come from a place of love.
As I stretch into the various poses, I let my mind wander. I’ve wanted to confront Neil, Stacey, Kate, and even my mother, but these imaginary confrontations usually involve that day’s revenge fantasy. Could I manage confronting them from a place of love? I don’t know yet. It’s also true that I want explanations and understanding. I’ve been trying to take the high road and not let myself fall down the all-too-easy path of victimhood, but I can’t say that I’m feeling empowered by this path. It just feels like avoidance. I breathe deeply into the next pose and then let the breath whoosh out of me. I’m letting go of negativity, I tell myself. Rather than dread talking to any of them ever again, maybe I could view confrontation as an opportunity for deeper understanding. While I realize it’s easy to find enlightenment at a fancy spa resort in the desert, I still feel pretty good about this insight.
After yoga, Jordan and I sip herbal teas on the patio outside and enjoy the late afternoon sun.
“You were right,” says Jordan. “My back and shoulders thank you. Between that yoga class and my massage, I’m going to float right to sleep tonight.”
“Early enough to get up for the sunrise hike in the morning?”
“No.” She narrows her eyes at me. “I cannot be tricked that easily. And I still can’t believe you did that this morning.” She stops herself. “Let me take that back. I know you, and I knew you would do that hike because you are truly, utterly insane.”
“It was gorgeous, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. And I’m glad you liked the class, even if it’s not enough to trust my recommendation on the hike.” I grin at her. “Maybe tomorrow?”
“We’ll see.” She smiles back at me before taking another sip of tea.
“So, hey, what did you think of the instructor’s thoughts on confrontation?”
Jordan first does a look around the restaurant and then leans in and whispers to me, “Never trust a yoga instructor. They’re all crazy. Kinda like therapists. They’re all working their own stuff out.”
“Perhaps.” I laugh. “She made me think though. I’ve been avoiding everyone, just doing the head in the sand thing, but maybe it’s time for confrontation?”
“Well, you know me, I’m all for confrontation. That’s probably why I’m a litigator.”
“Yes, but I’ve wanted to confront them because I’m angry and hurt. I want to shift my mindset from that to confronting them from a place of love.” Weirdly, it’s not so much Neil that I’m worried about, but Stacey and Kate. If nothing else, I don’t want to worry about seeing them at work events if I end up in another PR job.
“This is all very mature and Oprah-like, but maybe you should also think about spiking their coffee with truth serum to get some real answers. Neil is going to be scared of you, which he should be. Stacey, well, who knows what that airhead is thinking. And, Kate? Frankly, Kate scares me! Be careful with that one.”
“Yeah. While she’s probably the most important person to confront if I ever want another job in PR, I’d rather tackle my cheating ex-fiancé and my ex-friend the whore, first.” Okay, so maybe I’m not at a place of love, yet. “Get the easy stuff out of the way.”
“Sounds like a plan. So this tea is great and all, but is it happy hour yet? I feel we should celebrate your newfound wisdom with something bubbly.”
“It’s a resort. I’m pretty sure that can be arranged.”
DURING THE NEXT day’s early morning hike, as I watch the sunrise appear over the hills, I feel completely calm and clearheaded. Today would have been my wedding day. At this time I’d already be rushing around, my bridesmaids and I getting ready for our hair and makeup appointments, and my mother fussing and generally driving me crazy. There’d be something wrong with the flowers and some last-minute snafus. There would be tension I’d have to diffuse and logistical problems to solve rather than being able to enjoy the day. In this dawn quiet, it’s hard to believe that today was a day I was looking forward to because right now I feel relief. I should probably thank Neil and Stacey for saving me from a huge mistake, though I wish they had gotten together much sooner. If they had, maybe I would have found my real soul mate and been married and had my two point five kids by now.
That negative thought creeps in, and my heart squeezes in pain. I take a deep breath and count to four as I exhale to let go of this feeling. It’s okay. I’m going to be okay. There are other avenues. I know I imagined the white picket fence and all that, but there are women having babies and raising children without partners and by choice. I could do that. I have family close by and friends. I would be partner-less, but not alone. While it’s not what I imagined, it’s like my job—I was looking for the same exact position, when there are so many other options out there. And now I’m thinking of doing a consulting business as opposed to working at another large firm. While this isn’t so outside the box for many, for me it is. This of course makes me think of Eric and how he went in a completely different direction, and how I can’t picture him being the miserable, stressed-out guy he claims he was because he always exudes an air of calm.
Something I can’t admit to Jordan, or even really to myself yet, is that Eric is the kind of guy I wish I’d met earlier. Whenever I talk to him, I have a new perspective on things, and we seem to share a lot of the same interests and values. But timing is everything. So if we had met earlier, he’d have been that guy miserable in his job, or too busy helping his sick mother, or off finding himself on a tour of South America. And because timing is everything, I may be single now but I’m not ready to date—to trust someone and have my heart broken all over again. Plus, now he’ll be paying me, so we need to keep our relationship strictly professional. Even so, I’m glad that I’ll have this everyday connection and access to him. Let’s be honest, between those ocean blue eyes of his and CrossFit, he’s a fine specimen to spend time looking at.