She pretended to study his front paw, on which he’d rested his adorable little snout. “Oh, with those tiny little things? He probably won’t get any bigger than a small golden retriever.”
I chuckle thinking back on that exchange now. His paws—those “tiny little things”—seem to double in size every night. They are now big enough to carry the both of us down the sidewalk at breakneck speeds, even as I tug on his leash, trying to get him to slow down.
“Heel, Mouse! Heel!”
Yes, his name is Mouse, and when people hear it, they think I’m being so funny. A massive dog named Mouse?! How clever. I smile and nod, and I definitely do not tell them I named him Mouse when he was the size of an actual field mouse.
“Mouse, I have organic salmon treats!” I try again, and finally my voice seems to break through his thick skull. He slows his gait until he’s right beside me on the sidewalk, staring up at me with those dopey eyes. His tongue lolls around, and if dogs can smile, Mouse grins ear to ear. He really is a dapper thing.
I feed him a treat and then hold another one in my closed palm so he knows it’s coming. I’ve discovered that while I may not be the best trainer, I am fairly adept at canine bribery. And that will have to suffice for now, considering I’m already in my work clothes.
It’s Monday morning and we’re on our way to the vet. We’ve been multiple times in the last few months—another thing the volunteer conveniently forgot to mention. Puppies apparently need more shots than babies. I seriously think that he has better healthcare than I do.
This morning I formulated the questionable plan of walking Mouse to his appointment before work. Ever the optimist, I dreamed of a nice leisurely stroll, in which he’d finally heed the training I’d inconsistently applied. Mouse, however, is more of a realist. He wants to sniff and tangle himself in his leash. He wants to run and fulfill his destiny as a squirrel hunter. I consider aborting the mission and turning back, but I don’t think I even could at this point. I have a crude understanding of anatomy, and wonder if it’s possible for my arm to pop out of its socket like a fought-over Barbie doll.
He starts to pull again, having locked onto some kind of woodland creature up ahead. I panic and shove the salmon treat in front of his nose.
“Wild-caught Atlantic salmon treats, Mouse! Remember?!”
He doesn’t remember. He doesn’t give a shit about my stinky salmon treats, because whatever is up ahead is wild and uncaught. I guess that like a character in a cartoon, squirrels probably morph into bacon-wrapped filets in his eyes. He starts to pull and I trot after him, trying desperately to hang on to his leash. He is encouraged by the resistance and starts picking up speed. Suddenly I’m at a full sprint, and I’m convinced I see sparks flying from my high heels.
“No! Mouse! NO. HEEL!” I’m shouting at the top of my lungs, but he’s not listening.
He’s running and I’m tripping over my feet, trying hard to keep up.
“SIT! DOWN! NO! DO YOU WANT A TREAT?!” I’m shouting nonsense at this point, hoping something will stick, but all he hears is the roar of the adoring crowd. He’s gaining speed and I lose my footing. I nearly go down, but I catch myself in the nick of time.
I realize I look and sound hysterical at this point, but I have no choice. I remember seeing news stories about 90 pound teenagers summoning superhuman strength to lift entire cars off of their fathers, so I close my eyes and tug hard on his leash. Unbelievably, the message registers, and for a moment he stops, turns and faces me.
“Good…boy…Mouse…” I whisper, fearful of breaking whatever spell I’d cast. Though he rarely acknowledges my commands, his eyes light up at the sound of praise. He finally notices the homemade treats in my left hand.
“That’s right, Mouse,” I huff, trying to catch my breath. “All of this can be yours, and more, if you just—no, no, don’t look at that squirrel—”
Mouse resumes course, leaping and jerking the leash out of my hand. I go down, limbs flying, and am greeted by the sharp sting of asphalt digging into my left knee and palm. I wince and squeeze my eyes closed, aware of the tears trying to escape down my cheeks. I will not cry. I will not cry over a dog.
“MOUSE!”
I sound bloodthirsty, irate—and I am. As soon as I catch up to him, I am going to surgically attach his leash to my hand, and then I am going to shove the rest of the salmon treats in the trash because the days of salmon treats are over. No more of the good shit—he can eat the store-bought crap like every other mangy mutt.
“Jesus! What the—” a masculine voice says from around the corner.
I whip my head up and the blood drains from my face. That’s where Mouse has gone. He pulled out of my hold and whipped around the corner. I push to my feet and hurry to follow after him, petrified of what I will find on the other side. He’s a friendly dog, but he can be overzealous at times. Like an escaped mental patient that just wants to lick all of the faces in the entire world.
“Mouse!” I try again as I round the corner and find the most horrifying scene imaginable.
The pieces are easy to put together. There is a man sitting on the sidewalk. Mouse is on top of him, licking his face, and maybe that wouldn’t be so bad if not for the mud. I cringe as I stare down at the massive puddle at my feet. I can imagine it now: Mouse rounding the corner, bounding right through the puddle, and then leaping on this stranger with enough force to knock him off his feet. His suit is completely covered in mud—his designer suit from the cut of it.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I cannot afford to buy this stranger a new suit, so I only have one option. I will kill Mouse. I will kill him like Cruella de Vil and make him into a beautiful new fur suit.
“I am so sorry,” I say, but then I realize he can’t hear me because my hand is still covering my mouth, as I’m completely shocked at the audacity of my puppy.
“Are you kidding me?”
That’s what the stranger says.
Though his words aren’t nasty, the tone he uses definitely is.
I leap into action, realizing it’s been nearly a minute and Mouse is still on him, licking his face. I grab ahold of his collar and yank him off.
“Bad dog!” I reprimand, hoping to convey my anger into dog-speak.
Mouse stares up at me, happy and oblivious. To him, it’s been a splendid morning. It’s not yet noon and he’s had a walk, leapt through mud, and mauled a perfect stranger.
The stranger.
I’m reminded that he’s still there as he gets to his feet and wipes at his suit, trying in vain to clear off most of the mud. It’s no use. There are massive, muddy paw prints covering the entire front of his pressed white shirt and blue jacket.
“Are you hu—”
I have every intention of asking him if he’s hurt, I do, but then I finally look up at his face for the first time and I am utterly speechless. Mouse didn’t just maul a stranger. He mauled what Daisy and I would call a perfect male specimen. If Mouse had killed him, I could have stuck a pin in his body and mailed him to the Smithsonian. Homo sapien perfectus.
Even muddy, he gives most of Hollywood a run for their money in the looks department. And if he weren’t currently scowling at me, I’d swoon. Hell, even with the scowl, I swoon a little bit. It’s that perfect combination of piercing green eyes and strong jaw. He’s clean-shaven, and his brown hair has been tousled by careful hands. He’s tall, and even with his suit on, I can tell he’s in formidable shape. It takes all of three seconds to confirm that he’s the best-looking man I’ve ever seen in real life, and he’s currently telling me to get my dog under control. He says I shouldn’t have a dog like that if he’s not properly trained. He is the preacher and I am the choir.