If he never gets it again, neither do you, girl, my inner libido weeps.
On that note . . .
“Time to go, Katie bug. This fairy needs sleep.” I point at myself, and Katie’s eyes light up. I toss her cone in the nearby trash bin and reach for her hand, but she lifts her arms. She’s too big for me to carry for too long, but I don’t want to deny her.
“I’ll take her,” Jess offers. He reaches out for her, but Katie shifts away from him, stepping toward me, so I scoop her up. I don’t meet his eyes because I imagine her rebuff hurt his feelings.
“Where are you going?” Gabe calls after me as I step in the opposite direction of Nana’s. “I wanted to walk you home.”
“I have her,” Jess calls out, answering for me. In fact, he turns to face Gabe for a second. I don’t twist to see what transpires but instead continue in the direction of Jess’s house.
“Oh, the pissing match with the A.G. continues,” Tricia teases as she walks next to me.
“A.G.? Don’t you mean O.G.? Original Gangster,” I correct.
“Nope, we call him A.G. for Asshole Gabester.” She giggles, and I can’t help but laugh along with her. My thought is poor Gabe, only I don’t feel too sorry for him if he helped Jess’s wife leave him. There must be even more to that story, but I’m not privy to the details. More secrets.
When we arrive at the Carter family home, all the lights are on. Jess caught up to us, but I follow Tricia’s lead into the house and carry a very sleepy Katie up the stairs despite her weight. Jess steadies me with a hand at my back. When we get to the second floor, he steers me to a room at the end of the hall. He reaches around me to open the door to a bedroom and then guides me to another door within the room.
The second door opens into a tandem room, which is overwhelmingly pink. Katie’s space has a twin-size bed covered in a pink patchwork quilt, a small nightstand, and a princess lamp that gives off a soft glow. Jess pulls the covers back before maneuvering out of the way, and I lay Katie down on the bed. She rolls toward the wall, and I reach down to remove her tennis shoes. I turn to Jess and mouth pajamas, but he shakes his head. He covers Katie with the patchwork quilt and kisses her sticky cheek. It’s sweet and intimate, and I feel like I’m intruding when he says, “I love you.” I step back, preparing to exit the room and give them a moment, but Katie shifts in the bed.
Her eyes meet mine. Her little thumb points to her sternum. Then she crosses her arms over her chest like a giant X before pointing her index finger at me.
I love you, the gesture signs. I love you, she said.
To me.
My heart patters and pings around in my chest like a loose pinball. My fingers shake as I raise my arms and sign back as I speak. “I love you, too.”
My eyes meet Jess’s, and the normal denim blue color has turned to deadly midnight. He turns back to his child and reaches for her head to brush back her hair and kiss her one more time.
The image before me is too much. I want that.
Her silent words were too much. I want that, too.
Emotion slams into me once again.
I turn and head for the outer room. I make it inside and almost out to the hallway when a hand covers my upper arm.
“Don’t,” he commands, and I spin to face him.
“Don’t what?” I hiss, keeping my voice low.
“Don’t love her.”
“Why? Because of Sami?” I argue.
“No, because you plan to leave.”
I gasp. Tears prickle my eyes, but I’m too angry to cry. How dare he tell me who to love? I realize it’s his daughter, and it’s unfortunate and perhaps inconvenient that it’s happening, but I won’t let him tell me who I can and can’t love. A child. A man. Or a family.
“Let’s not do this,” I say with an eerie calm as a sob chokes my throat. “There’s nothing between us anyway.” I twist from his hold, turn for the hall, and rush down the stairs. The screen door slams behind me as I exit the house and race toward the street. I slow once I hit the pavement. Then I bend down, slip off my flip-flops, and run barefoot down the block, speeding away from the hurt in my heart.
“Jesus, slow down.”
I don’t register the feet racing behind me until I turn into Nana’s drive and finally slow my barefoot sprint. My feet ache. Running without shoes was a bad decision, but I needed the release of energy.
I spin to face Jess at the edge of Nana’s driveway. My driveway.
“Go home, Jess,” I snap before I turn away from him and stalk to the back porch. I open the screen door with a little more heft than necessary, and it gets stuck open. I realize Jess is still behind me.
“What do you want?” I spin on him as I take a backward step into the enclosed area. A low lamp is on to welcome me home.
“We need to talk.” He steps into the screened-in porch and locks the latch behind him.
“I have nothing to say,” I huff, crossing my arms.
“Well, I do. First off, Sami means nothing to me and as callous as that sounds, it’s the truth. I won’t go into the details of our relationship because we didn’t have one. We . . .” fucked. The word explodes without being said. My face turns away from him. I don’t need to hear this. I don’t want an explanation. “She’s not taking the hint, and I’m trying not to be a dick, but between last night and tonight, I’m over it.”
Jess scratches under his chin.
“Then there’s you and Gabe—”
“Don’t you turn this around,” I snap, pointing a finger at him. “Gabe and me, nothing. I ran into him the second I hit the corner. You were already tied up, I might add.” I cross my arms, and Jess steps forward.
“It wasn’t like that,” he growls.
My eyes lower to his shirt, and I sniff as if I can smell her on him. To my surprise, he tugs the shirt over his head and tosses it onto the couch. My mouth falls open as I take in his chiseled chest and the dramatic line of hair dashing into his jeans. He holds his arms wide at his sides, as if beckoning me to come and get him, but I’m still angry.
“This whole night has been bullshit,” he spits.
“What you said about Katie . . .” My voice drifts, cracking on the recall of his demand.
“Yeah, about that.” He lowers his arms and steps into my space. “Katie is tricky. I need to be careful. I don’t want her hurt again.”
“I’d never hurt her.”
Jess shakes his head. “I’m not saying you would intentionally. You’ve done more with her in a few weeks than I’ve been able to do in years.” He scrubs at his forehead. “I’ll always be grateful. Always. But I can’t guard her heart as well as my own, and I don’t want you loving her if you’re going to leave. Don’t open her up to more heartache.” He exhales and slaps at his own chest with the palm of his hand. “Don’t open me to the same.”
My forehead furrows. “Don’t you think I feel the same way?”
Don’t take my heart if you’re going to toss me away like that T-shirt.
It’s going to crush me to leave them behind, but I have no reason to stay, especially when Jess stands before me telling me not to love them.