I knew more than just the infection was to blame. She also had the added stress surrounding my fucking job. Not only was I going to devastate my family to protect them, but it had put my wife and newborn son in danger. I was going to find a way to walk away from the FBI after this. Thomas and I would be lucky if our family was still intact.
“Stop,” Abby said, seeing the expression on my face. “There was nothing we could do. It’s just one of those things.”
“And he’s okay,” Ellie said. “He was wailing like a banshee all the way down the hall. Strong lungs with the temper of a Maddox. He’s golden.”
“Do you think we’ll be able to take him home?” she asked, suddenly hopeful.
I patted her hand. “Probably not. Not right away, anyway. But let’s wait for an update from the NICU before we get too upset.”
“You mean before I get too upset,” she said.
I raised her hand to my lips and closed my eyes. The guilt was almost too much to bear. I was glad Dad had stepped in when he did with Trenton because I was desperate to go back to the days when I could punch my way out of things. Nineteen seemed like a lifetime ago, and quite frankly, adulting blowed. It was so much easier to lose my shit and start swinging rather than to listen to Trenton being an insecure dick stick and having to be the bigger person when all I was trying to do was save his life.
“Baby,” Abby said, watching as my inner turmoil began to seep out.
“Trenton found out about the FBI,” Ellie said. “And that Cami already knew. He’s taking it pretty hard.”
Abby looked at me. “He’s taking it out on you.”
“Who else is he going to take it out on?” I grumbled.
Abby’s fingers intertwined in mine. “Just a little longer.”
I nodded, knowing we couldn’t say any more in front of Ellie and Falyn.
Abby recounted the moments of her labor and delivery, and they all cried again when she detailed watching the nurses wheel Carter out of the room. The sisters hugged, and then Ellie and Falyn returned to the hall outside the waiting room to check on their families.
Abby sighed, resting her head back against her pillow.
“Want me to lay the bed flat?” I asked.
She shook her head, wincing and pressing gently on her abdomen. “You should try to sleep. You’ve got a long day tomorrow.”
“You mean today?”
Abby looked up at the clock on the wall. “Liis will land in a few hours. The nurse said the recliner lays nearly flat.”
I stood up and nodded, walking around the hospital bed to the mauve recliner nearby. The nurse had already set a couple of folded blankets and a pillow in a stack on the seat. The recliner made a scraping sound against the floor as I pushed it closer to her bed. I sat down and shook out a blanket, pulled the lever, and leaned back.
Abby used the remote to turn out the lights, and for a few precious moments, it was quiet. Just as I felt myself drift off, the door opened, and I could hear the nurse swishing around the room. She turned on the dim overhead lamp just above Abby’s bed.
“Hi there, Mrs. Maddox. I thought you might want to try pumping.” She lifted a small machine with tubes and what looked like a mini air horn.
Abby looked horrified. “Why?”
“Carter isn’t going to be strong enough to suckle just yet, so we’ll have to feed him through a tube. We have a special preemie formula, but if you prefer, your milk is best. Is that something you’d like to try?”
“I …” she trailed off, looking at the pump. It was completely foreign to her. She’d breast-fed our twins, but she stayed at home, so she’d never used a pump. “I’m not even sure if I have anything to pump.”
“You’d be surprised,” the nurse said. “His stomach is smaller than a marble, so he won’t need much.”
“And it’s okay with the antibiotics?” she asked, holding up her hand. I was so proud of her. Even exhausted, Abby thought to ask questions that wouldn’t even cross my mind.
“Completely safe,” the nurse said.
“Oookay,” Abby said. She listened as the nurse gave her instructions. When we were alone again, she looked at the tubes and container with contempt.
I sat up. “Want me to help?”
“Absolutely not,” she said.
“I can just—”
“No, Travis. If I’m going to have to sit here with this thing on me like a milk cow, you’re not going to help. You’re not going to watch.”
“Baby, it’s not a bad thing. You’re doing it for our son.”
“It just feels very … personal.”
“Okay,” I said, leaving the pile of blankets behind in the recliner. “You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“I’ll come back in fifteen. Need anything before I leave?”
“Nope.”
“Good luck, Pidge.”
Abby used the mini air horn as a thumbs-up, and I chuckled, willing to do anything to have a light moment in all of this. I closed the curtain and then the door behind me, and returned to the hall in front of the waiting room where my family was. Camille was sitting alone on a bench.
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
“The nurse brought cots. They’re all sleeping in the waiting room except for Dad.”
“Where’s he?”
Camille nodded her head toward a birthing suite, and immediately, I heard the familiar Jim Maddox snore. He would breathe in through his nose, and then his cheeks would fill with air before it finally pushed through his lips.
“He talked them into giving him a room?”
“He was afraid his snoring would wake the kids. He insisted on having his cot out here, but the nurses caught wind of it, and you know ... Everyone loves Jim.”
“Aren’t you tired?” I asked.
She shrugged. “I don’t think Trent wants my company.”
I sat down next to her. “Cami … you know he loves you. It’s a lot to process all at once.”
“I know,” she said, wringing her hands. “The thing with Thomas and me … It’s been festering just beneath the surface all these years. I knew it would come out eventually, and I knew he’d be angry. I just didn’t expect to feel this much guilt.”
“Because you don’t want to see him hurting.”
“No, I don’t.”
I looked down at the ground. “No one’s going to escape it this time.”
“Have you heard from Liis? Any updates?”
“No,” I said. It was the truth. I didn’t need any updates. I knew exactly what was going to happen.
“They said she was flying in. Isn’t that weird she would do that? While Thomas is recovering?”
“She has a new baby, and …” I trailed off. I didn’t want to lie anymore, and the worst was still ahead.
Camille grew quiet. “He didn’t make it, did he? She wants to tell us in person.” When I didn’t answer, Camille stared at me until I faced her. “Tell me, Travis. Is he dead?”
“You want to keep more secrets from Trenton? What if he finds out you knew something about Tommy before him? Again?”