‘Maybe that’s my point.’
A frown settled between his brows. ‘And your point is?’ His tone was guarded, and his gaze had ‘keep away’ written in its smoke and sky hues.
Ivy wished she hadn’t started this conversation but felt compelled to continue it regardless. The clock was ticking on ‘their arrangement’, as he called it. An arrangement that was passionate, exciting and thrilled her senses but was doomed to bring her heartache in the end.
Why hadn’t she realised that before now? She was on a road that came to a dead end. It would be crazy to keep driving along it knowing she would never get from Louis what she most wanted. Yes, he’d bought her diamonds and treated her like a princess. He’d made love to her as if she was the only woman in the world he ever wanted to make love to. But he was not willing to open his heart to her.
She took a prickly breath, her heart thumping, her stomach bottoming out. ‘My point is I want more than you’re offering.’
Not a single muscle moved on his face, but something shifted at the back of his eyes like a furtive shadow at the back of a stage. ‘What? Diamonds aren’t enough?’ His tone had a sarcastic edge.
She sent him a reproving look. ‘Louis, I think deep down you want more too, but you’re not ready to admit it. You wouldn’t have bought me such a beautiful gift if you didn’t feel something for me.’
He signalled for the waiter to settle the bill. ‘Now is not the time or place to have this conversation.’
‘I think it’s a perfectly good time,’ Ivy said. ‘What’s the point of us being here together in Paris if we go our separate ways in four days? We have only four days now, Louis. Do you realise how clinical that sounds? You can’t put a time limit on your feelings, or at least I can’t.’ She swallowed and continued, ‘I have feelings for you that can’t be turned off by a date on the calendar.’
His mouth was so tight, white tips appeared at the corners. ‘Look, you’re getting confused by the sex. You’re new to physical intimacy. People can fancy themselves madly in love with a lover but what they’re in love with is the endorphins that good sex sets off. You’ll see that I’m right in a few days. Once we stop having sex, you’ll—’
‘What? Forget how you make me feel? Pretend none of it happened? Come on, Louis, don’t you see how much I care about you? It’s in every kiss and touch. Every time we make love I give all of myself to you, not just my body, but all of me. I love you.’
He grimaced, as if suffering a deep pain. ‘You don’t know what you’re saying, Ivy. You’ll be embarrassed by this in the weeks ahead. I can guarantee it. You’re seeing me through oxytocin-tinted glasses—it’s the sex hormone that makes people feel bonded to a lover. We have no bond other than friendship. This fling we’re having—’
‘It’s not a fling to me!’ Ivy interjected, her heart contracting with anguish at his constant use of that horrible word. ‘It’s never been a fling or an arrangement. I think on some level I always knew that it could never be that. I think I asked you to help me with my intimacy issues because I loved you. I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t. I see that now. It had to be you because it’s always been you I loved.’
‘Look—one of the reasons I only have flings is because of this sort of thing happening,’ he said. ‘I let people down without even trying. I told you from the start what I was prepared to give. It upsets me to see you hurt, knowing I have caused it.’ He rubbed a hand over his face and shook his head as if he couldn’t believe how he had got himself into this situation. ‘I’m sorry, Ivy, but this is all I can give you right now.’
Diamonds. Memories. A clock ticking on their fling. ‘It’s not enough. And I don’t think it’s enough for you either. You feel bad about this situation because it clashes with how you think of yourself and the way you really want to be. That’s the source of your pain, not the fact you’ve let me down or any number of other people down. You’ve let you down. The true you.’
The waiter approached with the bill and Ivy was forced to contain her emotions until the transaction was processed. Louis silently led her out of the restaurant, his expression going into lockdown. It wasn’t the way she wanted their evening to end but, now she had come to her senses, she had no choice but to see this through. She could not keep driving down a dead end until she crashed into Louis’ emotional stop sign.
They walked back to his apartment in silence. His expression might have been closed but Ivy could feel Louis’ frustration coming off him in waves. Even the sound of his key stabbing into the lock and the way he opened the door hinted at his brooding tension. He closed the door with a snap and tossed his key onto the hall table with a careless flick of his hand. The key landed into a ceramic bowl with a noisy clatter.
‘I told you from the start how uncomfortable I was about this whole plan of yours,’ Louis said. ‘You have only yourself to blame for how it’s turned out now.’
Ivy pressed her lips together, trying to gather her composure. She didn’t want to end their fling in a slanging match. But their fling had to end. Tonight. Now. Not another day could go past with her continuing to fool herself their relationship would turn into something else. He had made it abundantly, blatantly, brutally clear it wouldn’t. ‘Louis, this is not easy for me to say, but I want to finish our fling now. It wouldn’t be right for me to sleep with you again, not under these terms. I don’t want to cheapen what we’ve shared.’
‘I could hardly call what we’ve shared cheap.’ His tone was cruelly sardonic, his glittering gaze cutting as he glanced at the diamonds in her ears and around her neck.
Ivy stiffened as anger spread through her. So, that was the way he wanted to play it, was it? She purposefully removed each earring and placed them in the ceramic bowl with his keys. She placed her hands behind her neck to undo the fastening of the pendant, glaring at him with icy disdain. ‘I’ve decided I prefer book and cinema vouchers after all. Maybe you can find some other fling partner to give these to. I don’t want them.’
His top lip curled, and his eyes flashed. ‘What? You don’t want to take home a souvenir of your first love affair?’
She ground her teeth so hard, she thought she would crack a molar. ‘Love affair? On my part, maybe, but not yours. You’ve hardened your heart out of fear, the same way I avoided intimacy out of fear for all those years. You won’t allow yourself to get close to anyone in case they hurt you or make you feel vulnerable. You’ve got intimacy issues, Louis. You won’t ever be happy unless you address them. You’re not at heart a playboy. You remind me of Ronan, pretending all those years to be something he’s not and could never be. You are a man who wants to love and be loved but you’re too frightened to give anyone the power to hurt you.’