I had nothing.
“It’s just sometimes it’s hard to remember faces after a big night, you know? And I’d been mixing Flaming Blue Jesuses for them. You know, with the rum, peppermint schnapps, and peach liqueur, with the thinnest layer of tequila on top.” He licked his lips. “I really do like those.”
Slowly, I shook my head. “You didn’t dog-style me in a closet.”
“No? Are you sure?” he asked. “Can I just see the back of your head for one minute?”
“We didn’t meet at a party, Eric,” I said through gritted teeth. “Emailing. You and me. Constantly, for months.”
“Not me.”
“Yes. You.”
“Come on, that’s not even realistic.” Eric put his hands on his slim hips. “Everyone in this room knows that’s not me. My attention span just isn’t that long.”
“True,” said someone. Lots of nods from other people. And he might be persuading them, but he wasn’t fooling me.
“Right,” I shot back. “So I’ve just been, what? Imagining all of this?”
“Depends.” He smirked. “Did I start constantly emailing you around the time you went off your meds?”
“Eric,” scolded one woman. Slim, redheaded, and pregnant.
“You’re Nell.” I gave her a finger wave. “He told me about you, sent me pictures of you all and the Dive Bar.”
The woman’s eyes widened.
“He never mentioned you were expecting, though. Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” she said hesitantly.
Next I turned to the other redhead in the room. A tall, nicely built guy covered in ink. “And you’re Vaughan, Nell’s brother. You’re a musician. You recently got engaged to Lydia there, the lovely blonde at your side. Hi.”
“Hi.” Lydia’s lips thinned in surprise. “Huh.”
“If I’m a crazy person, how would I know these things?” I turned back to Eric, my own hands sitting on my own damn hips. “How would I know that you went to school with most of these guys? That you only lived a couple of streets away from each other when you were kids?”
Eric’s mouth opened but nothing came out.
“Oh my God.” A familiar gorgeous, dark-skinned woman with a head full of corkscrew curls stepped forward. “Are you one of those psychics? Mom’s always watching that shit on TV. I never believed before, but…”
“Nah, she’s a stalker,” said Eric. “Got to be. I was bound to pick one up eventually.”
“I am not a stalker.” Given how tight my fingers were rolled up into fists, however, I might soon very well be accused of assault and battery.
“Do me,” said the dark-skinned waitress. “Who am I?”
“You’re Rosie, one of the waitresses here.”
“Got it in one!” Rosie smiled. “Can you tell me anything about my future?”
“I’m sorry. I’m really not psychic.”
“Oh.” Her smile turned upside down. “That sucks.”
“What’s going on?” asked a deep, booming voice from behind us.
I spun, staring straight into the startled eyes of a man who could only be described as a blond Bigfoot, a case of beer casually hoisted on one enormous shoulder. His golden mane flowed down over his wide shoulders, a beard covering the bottom half of his face. I guess it kept him warm in the winter, but seriously. Who needed that much hair?
“Hi, bro, welcome to the crazy.” Eric slapped the big man on the back. “You didn’t happen to send me a psychic stripper for my birthday, did you?”
Dark shocked eyes fixed on me. Joe. It was his brother Joe, of course. The man was just a whole lot bigger in the flesh than I’d ever imagined. Not that I’d spent a lot of time imagining him or anything.
“What?” He shook his bearded head at Eric in confusion. “No. Of course not.”
“A stripper?” I asked in disbelief. “Seriously?”
Eric’s gaze went straight to my shoes. “You got to admit, those are some serious heels.”
He had a point. Still, I highly doubted I looked like the kind of woman who wore pasties at parties on a regular basis. Let alone as if I had any dancing skills or could even attempt to climb a pole.
“All right, enough,” ordered Nell. “I think this poor girl might be the victim of identity theft.”
I froze.
“Look, ah … obviously something’s up here. Why don’t we take this into the back office?” said Joe. “Somewhere a little more private. We don’t want to embarrass her.”
“I think I’ve pretty much reached peak embarrassment overload,” I said, giving him a forced smile. “But thanks.”
Strange, the man’s skin, the bits visible, at least, had turned a kind of ashen color. He honestly looked ready to hurl at any moment. That or faint.
“You okay, man?” asked Vaughan, also noticing.
“Yeah, yeah. Never better.” It was a wonder the guy’s pants didn’t catch on fire. Even I could tell that one was a blatant lie.
“So you’ve never met Eric in the flesh before?” Nell asked. “Only online.”
I nodded. “Yes. We only ever swapped emails.”
With a pained look, Nell came closer, lowering her voice. “It couldn’t have been Eric. I’m pretty sure he couldn’t even find a computer’s on switch, let alone write actual emails on a regular basis. It took him forever just to learn how to spell his own name.”
Eric screwed up his forehead. “Hey. That’s beside the point.”
“Shush.” Nell waved a hand at him. “I doubt it was him who set up the account on this dating site at all.”
“I did set up the account,” said Eric, distinctly unimpressed. “For fuck’s sake, Nell. Stop acting like my half of the baby is going to be dumber than your half. It’s not.”
“Do not call my baby ‘it,’” warned Nell, poking him in the chest with a finger.
And suddenly it was all clear to me. It was all horribly, perfectly clear.
“That’s your baby?” I asked the sleazoid male standing in front of me. “It is any wonder you’re pretending you don’t know me? God. You asshole. All of those things you said to me and meanwhile, you’re playing house with her.”
“What?” Eric’s “you’re crazy” look tripled. “No. I … shit. Joe helped me set up that stupid dating account and then I pretty much forgot about it. Didn’t need it. So I told Joe…”
Silence.
“Joe,” Eric repeated. Then he blinked and turned to his brother.
Nell too turned to face the big blond guy.
Joe squirmed under their gaze. He had that look about him as if he wanted an emergency trapdoor beneath him to disappear into.
“You email her, bro?” asked Eric.
“Yeah.” And the blond Bigfoot did not look happy about it. “Yeah, I … we’ve been talking for a while. We know each other.”
“No, we don’t.” I frowned at the man who was most definitely not my type. His brother? Yes. But him? Nuh-uh. “I know Eric, not you.”