Still, he’d told me not to stop. Not that I had any intention of doing so.
Let Star give all the therapeutic massages that she wanted to. Only I had him like this. Or only I better have him like this if he wanted to keep his balls intact. Such soft, sensitive things. I rolled them in one hand, tugging gently to remind him who was the boss right here and now. A dazed grin appeared on his face in response. Kind of hard to smile back with a penis in your mouth, but I tried.
One hand stroked him while the other played with his ball sac; I worked him hard and fast. Despite my brave words, I could do without being caught giving Joe a blowjob by one of his friends. The only sounds were my wet sucking and Joe’s heavy breathing. Again and again, I dragged my firm lips up his cock, tongue swirling over the tip. Hips rocking forward, he eagerly edged closer, making me take him deeper.
“Shit. Sorry,” he panted. “Fuck, that feels good.”
I hummed my approval and apparently, that felt even better. His fingers fisted in my hair, pulling apart my short ponytail. Sucking on him hard, I pushed him closer to the edge. And finally, over it. He came in my mouth with a strangled sort of sound. His pelvis pushing his cock deeper despite his best intentions. Quickly, I swallowed, taking his cum into me. The time for delicate excuses or spitting had passed. Plus, I loved him.
Oh God. No. No, I didn’t.
Sitting back on my heels, I slapped a hand over my mouth. Breathing through a panic attack was hard enough. Breathing through a panic attack while giving a blowjob was even harder.
“Hell. Alex, are you all right?” Joe quickly pulled up his pants, tucking his softening dick out of sight. Then he handed me a bottle of water. I swallowed a good half of it down, stopping only to slump over and give the whole breathing thing another go.
“I should have pulled out,” he said. “I didn’t even ask. Sorry.”
I held up a hand. “It’s fine.”
Poor man probably thought he’d nearly choked me with his cum or something. Which kind of had happened but not in the way he was thinking. My heart hammered, sweat sliding down the side of my face. All good. No problem. I was not in love with Joe Collins. That had just been some strange mental aberration brought on by proximity to his magical, truly talented cock or something. Let’s not get all emotional and start feeling things we shouldn’t be. I’d given the man head, not my heart. Because falling for him would be dumb, stupid, careless, and more.
He already had too much going on in his life right now. Exactly as he’d said.
“Went down the wrong pipe,” I whispered, patting my chest.
More heavy-browed concerned looks from him.
God, how embarrassing. I finished off the rest of the water, slowly getting myself back under control. “Let’s get back to work.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, as weak and jittery as a bobble-headed doll. Offering me a hand, he helped me to my feet. Sad to say, I think I needed the assistance. Gently, he brushed my hair out of my face, watching me oh so carefully. I had the stupidest impulse to cry, to hide my face in his chest and bawl like a baby. Not good.
“Painting,” I said, retrieving my brush from out of the tray. The shaking went away after a while, but Joe’s eyes kept returning to me for the rest of the day. Never mind. He didn’t need to know about my dumbass revelation. Hell, once we’d finished up here, I had every intention of drinking until I no longer knew about it either.
This was no time for love. Not for him, and therefore, not for me.
* * *
The knock on my hotel door came around ten o’clock that night, disturbing my intense study of the ceiling. My mind hadn’t been able to settle on anything else. Apparently, no movie or book currently available could distract me from the overwhelming misery of being in love with Joe Collins. It was just like being fourteen again, minus the pimples. Everything sucked and I was doomed.
Surprisingly, I opened the door to find him standing there. His hands were stuffed in his jeans pockets. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I stepped back, closing the door after him. As the usual, he took up all of the space, all of the air in the room. There was only him and me. “How did you get here?”
“Cab.”
“Is everything okay?”
He didn’t respond immediately.
Since I was doing all of the driving, I’d dropped him off at his place over an hour ago. We’d gotten out early, it’d been a pretty quiet night at the bar. A good thing, since his one good hand and my lack of experience behind the bar did not make for speedy service.
He sat on the end of the bed, a hand braced on his knee, eyes troubled. “Star and Mom went to visit Nell tonight.”
“How is she doing?”
He winced. “About as well as you’d expect, I guess. They’ve given her good pain meds, apparently. She’s comfortable enough. But that doesn’t help with knowing she lost the baby.”
“She’s grieving.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s horrible.” I sat opposite him on the chair, not quite knowing what to do with myself. God only knew what my lovelorn heart might attempt if I plonked myself down beside him. Sonnets, bad poetry, or just a random declaration. Whatever happened, I couldn’t tell him about my feelings. The poor man’s back was already bowed under the weight of all of the current emotional pressure; adding my earlier revelation to the mess would not help. I wanted to be his wonderwall. His place to rest and heal. The person who had his back, no matter what. That’s how I’d show him my love without doing any damage.
“Has anyone heard from Eric?” I asked.
“Ah, yeah.” He offered a brief smile. “That’s the good news. He texted earlier, said he’ll be back in a day or two.”
“Good. That’s great.”
“I’ve been really worried about him.” He cleared his throat. “Alex … when Mom dropped Star back, she was upset. Crying.”
My insides tensed. The old enemy, anxiety, shooting through me. “She and Nell are close, right? You said they were good friends.”
A nod.
“It must have been upsetting for her to see Nell hurting.”
He just stared at me.
“What happened, Joe?”
“I just, I was just trying to comfort her. Holding her, you know?” His mouth tensed. “Then she started kissing me and … I stopped it. I, ah, I did.”
“Okay.”
“She wants for us to try again. We used to be really good together before shit fell apart,” he said. A simple statement, though it hurt like hell. “She says she made a mistake, leaving.”
Not a surprise. Joe might have chosen to be oblivious, though Star had made her intentions pretty damn clear.
His fingers speared roughly through his hair. “I told her I’d forgotten something at work. Got out of there.”
Questions poured through my head, but I said nothing. I had no rights in this situation, not really. Despite today’s accidental oral, he’d made it clear we were over, or unofficial, or whatever the hell exactly we were. And I’d said I accepted it, but would stay to help him anyway.
Yet here he was, confessing. The situation was beyond confusing.
“Do you believe me?” His gaze pinned me to the chair.