I’m going to lose him, and I’ll deserve it.
Because it was a despicable thing to do. And now I’m thinking more clearly, I wish I hadn’t sunk so low.
I don’t want to lose Kai.
Because I love him.
I love him so much, and I wish things were different.
I wish I didn’t have to break his heart.
The door opens quietly, and my breath hitches in my throat. Kai pads across the floor toward the bed, and I don’t disguise the fact I’m awake. He sits on the side of the bed, brushing hair back off my face. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything,” I whisper.
“Hey.” He sweeps his thumbs under my eyes, catching the moisture pooling there. “It’ll be okay. I’m not letting anything happen to you.”
I scoot sideways, folding back the covers. “Can you hold me?” This might be my last chance to feel his arms around me.
Wordlessly, he climbs in beside me, and I roll over onto my other side, unable to look at him with my treacherous eyes. He hauls me against him, until my back is pressed solidly against his front, and I close my eyes, savoring the feel of his arms as they go around my waist, and the comforting warmth emanating from his body. “I’ll hold you every night if you let me,” he whispers against my ear, sending shivers cascading over me. He tightens his grip, in a wholly protective manner, and tears spill out of my eyes.
Why did I deny myself this? Why did I cling to the hatred and the betrayal instead of forgiving him when it became clear he was being honest with me?
I could blame my hormones.
Or my fucked-up upbringing that causes me to do whatever is necessary to survive.
But concealing this was low. Cruel. Deliberately hurtful.
And it seems so pointless now.
“Don’t cry, baby. I know you’re scared, but we’ll figure out a solution.”
He thinks he knows the reason for these tears, but he’s clueless.
“It’s why we’ve been locked away in Hunt’s office,” he continues. “I know you think I was cutting you out, but I wasn’t.” His hands slide lower, palming my stomach. “You shouldn’t have to worry about any of this shit. Your sole priority is nurturing our little one.” His hand rubs across my belly, burning me through my sheer nightdress. He presses feather-soft kisses to my neck, and my chest is heaving with unimaginable pain. “And I want to start planning.” His hand is scorching hot on my belly now, as if my skin is on fire, and I can’t handle it. “I’ve kept a note of some names I like, and I have an idea about where we can go after the baby is born, to keep him or her away from our fathers, and I—”
“Stop!” I cry out, wriggling out of his hold. Wracking sobs rip from my soul as I bolt upright in the bed. I face him with tears streaming down my face. “Don’t say another word. I can’t hear it.”
Concern shimmers in his eyes as he sits up, opening his arms and attempting to draw me back into his body. “What’s wrong, baby?”
I wet my lips and swipe at the hot tears coursing down my face. “I… I… I have something I need to tell you.”
“Okay.” He scoots closer, and I jump up, unable to bear his touch. His eyes examine my face, and his chest heaves. “Just spit it out.” His tone is even, but his face betrays his burgeoning fear.
“I should’ve told you this when I first arrived, but I wanted to make you pay.”
He eyeballs me, imploring me to continue.
“You lied to me, Kai! You tricked me into thinking you were someone else, and for weeks, while they imprisoned me at Parkhurst, I wondered if everything was a lie. If you were in on the pregnancy plan too.”
“I told you I wasn’t. I would never do that to you.”
“I know,” I whisper, pacing in front of the bed. “I know that now.”
“What are you saying, Abby?” He climbs out of bed, but keeps his distance, staring at me cautiously.
“I was still so angry. I wanted you to feel what it felt like to be deceived. To believe you had something, but it was all a lie.”
“What are you lying about?” He steps toward me, and I instinctively take a step back. “What have you done?”
“I’m sorry,” I blurt, and wracking sobs fill the silent space around us.
The bars around my heart shatter, and it all comes out.
Weeks of unacknowledged grief.
Unbearable loss.
Intense heartbreak.
It culminates in a barrage of internal pain and self-loathing.
I scream, and it’s birthed straight from my blackened soul. I can scarcely see him through the river of tears blurring my eyes. “I wanted to hurt you, and this will kill you, but it’s killed me too!”
His face portrays his own inner battle, and I sense he’s torn between wanting to comfort me and fearing the unknown. “Tell me, Abby.”
“I…” My voice chokes as more tears clogs my throat. My stomach churns as I cry, and the transparent terror on his face sends me over the edge. “I’m sorry.” I back toward the door. “I can’t.”
I race out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and out through the front door, running across the front field, directionless and with no plan except to flee the anguished look on his face.
I can’t say the words out loud.
Because then it’s real.
I hardly feel the light snowdrops landing on my body as I run or the icy chill underfoot as I race barefoot along the grass. The snow isn’t sticking because it was raining earlier, but the terrain underfoot is soft, and my feet sink into the ground, splashing mud against my calves.
“Abby! Stop!” Kai calls out, giving chase.
I keep running even though I know it’s futile.
“Stop.” He appears in front of me, spinning around and holding my shoulders to halt my forward trajectory. “Just stop.”
“You’ll hate me,” I sob. “I know it, because I hate myself.” I drop to my knees, burying my head in my hands, sobbing my heart out. There isn’t a single cell in my body that isn’t in agony as pain batters me from all sides.
He sinks to the muddy ground in front of me. “I need to know the truth, Abby. If this is about the baby—”
“There is no baby!” I sob, lifting my head to look at him. He deserves to hear this face to face. “The bastard took them!” I can barely speak over the heavy weight pressing down on my chest. A numbed shock splays across his face. “It was twins,” I whisper.
My sobs mix with his heavy breathing, sounding loud in the otherwise still night air.
“Tell me everything.” His voice is monotone, and if it wasn’t for the tortured expression on his face, I’d think he was devoid of feeling.
“I spent the first couple weeks at Parkhurst confined to bed in a constant drugged state, so I didn’t properly understand,” I explain in a shaky voice. “Until my father gave me an envelope. Inside was a medical report confirming the successful abortion of twin fetuses.” More tears leak out of my eyes, but I force myself to continue because I owe this to him. “He also included a list of everyone I love with a promise that if I didn’t conform to his plan, he would start killing them one by one.” I eyeball him. “You were top of the list.”