Sure, it would have been nice to live with my boys but I hadn’t missed Chase’s pained expression when Bryce had come up with the idea that I move in.
I don’t even blame my stepbrother too much because I don’t think that living under the same roof would make the situation any better between us.
My love life has never been so complicated, I think sighing as I walk from the living room into the kitchen area.
My parents think that I’m dating Bryce and have no idea that I’m also dating his best friend Parker. I’m in love with both boys, I didn’t mean for it to happen when I met them the summer just gone.
I was sure to be heading for heartbreak when I realized that I cared for both guys and couldn’t possibly choose just one. The boys surprised the hell out of me by telling me that I didn’t have to choose but that I could date them both as long as I didn’t play favorites. And I was absolutely elated with how fantastic our relationship was, how sexy, safe and worshipped the guys made me feel. How we’d quickly become a tight knit unit, a little family.
Things seemed perfect and the only blemish on the happiest weeks of my life were Marc’s lies about me cheating on him – we’d never really been together – and the open hostility that my stepbrothers showed me on a daily basis.
I’ve grown up moving often because of my father’s navy career and I was used to being alone, to not having any friends so normally being ignored wouldn’t really matter to me. But what made Chase and Reid’s indifference hurt the most was that things had begun very differently for us.
When I first met Chase and Reid, before they became my stepbrothers, we were instantly close. We became best friends and now I know that the attraction I felt between us wasn’t just in my head. I know because Chase admitted it a few weeks ago on the night when he confessed his love for me and admitted that the contempt he’s been treating me with was his way to try and stay away after his father made it clear that he expected us to behave like siblings.
Chase also told me that Reid felt the same way about me but like him, he didn’t have the heart to go against Dustin’s wishes. Both men are extremely close to their father and they couldn’t bear to disappoint him since he had suffered so much when his first wife had died and worked really hard to raise the twins alone. And Chase and Reid felt that Dustin deserved the family he’d always wanted and a big part of me understands that feeling because I’m close to Dustin too. I love him like a father. That’s especially important for me since my relationship with my own father is practically nonexistent.
So yeah, our summer in Star Cove was a summer of self-discovery, love, friendship and heartbreak. It was a summer that taught me a lot about myself and the men in my life and that made me realize that I’ll probably never be completely happy.
The reason why happiness is firmly out of my grasp is that my heart is broken in four parts: I’m in love with Bryce and Parker but I can’t put aside my feelings for my stepbrothers, especially after Chase and I made love. It only happened once and aside from the fact that my stepbrother asked me to forget about it and keep it a secret, it’s obvious that our love is illicit, it’s not written in the stars.
I understand Chase’s fear that what happened would somehow reach his father’s ears and I promised to keep our secret because I know that Dustin isn’t the only one who would absolutely disapprove of our involvement. I know that my mom would be just as horrified if she caught wind of the way I feel.
It isn’t just because Chase, Reid and I are step siblings. After all, we didn’t grow up together, we met when we were teens. It’s because she wants the same big, happy family that her husband hopes for but also because she wouldn’t understand my feelings. She wouldn’t get how it’s possible for me to love four men at same time and she would conclude that if I can’t choose just one, then it means that I’m not really in love with any of them.
She sat me down for a mother-daughter chat last night and warned me about going slow and not letting my feelings for Bryce stop me from having a full college experience.
“What? Do you want me to party, get drunk and sleep around?” I had joked, trying to lighten the mood but Mom shook her head and explained her fears.
“No, Kaya. That’s not my point. I don’t want you to focus everything on Bryce and miss out on making friends, on meeting new people and discovering who you really are. No boy is worth that, believe me. I made the same mistake when I met your father my freshman year. I regretted it so many times and it’s not just because things didn’t work out with him.”
I understood what Mom was trying to say and reassured her that Bryce – and Parker – would never keep me from the full college experience.
“Right. I just want you to be careful, Kaya. Bryce—”
I didn’t want to be defensive but there was something in her tone that really upset me. “I thought you liked Bryce, Mom. He’s very nice to me, I promise. He’s—”
Mom explained her ambivalent feelings that weren’t just limited to Bryce, they also included the twins and Parker.
“I’m not saying that he isn’t a great guy, baby girl. But he and his friends ... They’re experienced, Kaya. They’re pretty well known in our social circles for being the life of every party and for going from one girl to the other very fast. Those aren’t just rumors, you have seen how your brothers behave, right? So I hope that Bryce’s feelings for you will be enough to make him change his ways. That this thing with you isn’t just a game, a competition with his best friend.”
That made me immediately mad and I snapped at her.
“What kind of competition would that be? Look Mom, even Dustin approves of my dating Bryce, why—”
She’d looked at me with a pointed expression, as if she thought that I was playing daft on purpose. “Come on, Kaya, don’t tell me that you haven’t noticed the way Parker looks at you. It’s pretty obvious that he likes you too, he always hangs around you and Bryce. All I’m asking you is to be careful and to guard your heart. Don’t ever put all your happiness in a boy’s hands.”
Or two ... or three ... ok, fuck, even four if what Chase said about Reid is true.
I know my mom means well, she wants to see me happy and I appreciate her insights even if we don’t always see eye to eye.
Maybe she isn’t completely wrong either.
I have no doubt that Bryce and Parker really care about me, like I do them, but something has been different lately.
They seem more hesitant when we’re alone, less daring. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still sweet and affectionate, as caring as they’ve always been but it’s as if something is holding them back since the night Chase and I had sex.
Maybe they pick up on my own hesitation? I don’t have any doubt that I want to be with them and that I love each of them with all my heart but I admit that I feel really guilty for having had sex with Chase and mostly for keeping that a secret. So I haven’t been pushing the intimacy with them, held back by the weight of what I can’t tell them.
I open the door to the only bedroom in the apartment: a king size bed dominates the large room, everything looks new and pristine.
I get charged by Bryce and thrown on the bed and I can’t help it, when he jumps on top of me, hitting all my ticklish places with his hands and lips, I explode in a fit of giggles.