Until Freddie died, I’d only lost Granny. I’d cried at the time, but I’d got over it fairly quickly. I think I’d been just as upset when her cottage in Wales had been sold to pay for her care home. I was a teenager then and although I loved her, selfishly my world revolved around me and my friends; dying was what old people did. But brothers weren’t supposed to die and neither were women Laura’s mum’s age.
‘Was I a terrible friend when your mum died?’ I asked.
She blinked at me, surprised. ‘Not at all. You listened without butting in. That was all I really needed: someone to listen to my ranting and raving. You were a great friend. Still are.’
She squeezed my hand and we were quiet for a moment, lost in our own thoughts.
‘Ditto,’ I said. ‘Although in my case, I didn’t want to talk at all. Which isn’t like me.’
She grinned. ‘True. But no one knows how they’ll react until it happens. That’s why “I know how you feel” is so bloody annoying. No one can possibly know how you feel. And you’ll talk about it when you’re ready.’
She held my gaze for a moment, giving me the chance to speak if I wanted to and then stirred the remains of her latte slowly, staring into the milky foam.
‘I’ve resisted talking about my feelings because I didn’t want them to be real,’ I admitted, feeling under the table for the reassuring solidity of Scamp’s body.
Laura stayed perfectly still, but gave me an encouraging smile. I swallowed. Already my throat was tightening, making it hard to form my words. But if I could manage to talk to my new friends at the floristry school, the least I could do is open up to my oldest friend.
‘Freddie has just always been there,’ I began. ‘My earliest memory is of him stealing the ice cream off the top of my cone. I must have only been about two. Greedy sod.’
Laura laughed. ‘Sounds about right for big brother behaviour.’
‘It didn’t matter where I was, he was always with me. When my dad left us, Freddie was the one thing that remained constant. Mum’s attitude to life changed overnight, not that that was a bad thing, but it took some getting used to. Dad we rarely saw even before he moved away. But whether I was at home or at Granny’s, Freddie was always with me, shaping the memories of my life. Even my first house purchase was done with him.’
‘I always envied the relationship you had with him.’ She tore off a piece of her bun and ate it. ‘You were lucky to have a sibling. Being an only child isn’t half as much fun.’
‘None of the new memories I make will have him in them,’ I said. ‘And I don’t want that to be true. I haven’t wanted to move on because I’m worried about leaving him behind.’
Laura frowned. ‘You know, I think he’d be really sad about that.’
‘I know. I can’t stay in denial forever, I accept that. I need to find a way to live without him, to live alone and still be happy.’
‘Without him, yes,’ she said, briskly, ‘but not alone, there’s no need to banish other people completely.’
‘I never want to miss anyone this much again,’ I said. ‘It seems the best way to do that is not to let anyone in.’
‘Just keep your mind open,’ she said. ‘You won’t always feel this way, I promise.’
‘What if I fall in love and lose them? Look how badly I’ve coped with losing a sibling. I don’t want to go through this again ever.’
‘I’ll always miss Mum but I try not to dwell on all the things she hasn’t been part of; instead I remember the times that she was there. And I do believe I carry a piece of her in my heart always.’
‘Same with me and Freddie. And now that I have that letter from him, I feel even closer to him than before.’ I gave myself a shake and forced a laugh. ‘How did we get so maudlin all of a sudden? Let’s change the subject.’
‘OK.’ Laura cast about for a second and then slapped the table. ‘Let’s talk about your happy list. Number one on the list is flowers. What’s your number two going to be?’
‘Not sure,’ I said with a frown. ‘Freddie’s big thing was travel, different cultures, different scenery. But I’m quite fond of England. I like cottages and cream teas and now I’ve got a dog, I quite like country walks. I know, I know, I’m boring!’
‘You’re you,’ said Laura loyally. ‘Nothing wrong with this green and pleasant land.’
She picked up a discarded newspaper from the table next to us and pointed at one of the headlines. ‘You can travel and stay at home. Look at this article in the Derbyshire Bugle: ten villages which the locals don’t want you to know about. There you go. You’ve got a whole year at your disposal, you could travel around, discover undiscovered England, stay in cottages and eat your way through cream teas.’
I took it from her and turned to the article mentioned on the page.
‘This isn’t a bad idea, actually,’ I said. ‘I could go away for a few days, find a cottage to rent. I haven’t got any plans for next week and Scamp would love it.’
I was in the fortunate position of not needing very much money to live on. Freddie and I had taken out an insurance policy when we bought the house so that if either one of us became seriously ill or died, the mortgage would be paid off. So now I owned the house in full and that, coupled with a conservative attitude to savings since childhood, meant that I could get by for a while without the need to earn a wage.
‘That’s you sorted then. Do you want another drink?’ Laura pointed at my empty mug.
‘Better not. Scamp will need to go out for a wee soon and I promised him a long walk before I start boxing up more of Freddie’s stuff.’
She got her purse out and tried to give me money for her share of the bill, but I waved her away.
‘My treat. It’s the least I can do after everything.’
She sighed in defeat. ‘Thank you. But no more. You’ve already given me a beautiful bouquet and you’ve apologised a million times anyway,’ said Laura, putting her purse down.
‘Just one more thing,’ I said, smiling. ‘If you and Hamish do ever get married—’
She gave a bark of laughter. ‘You want to be my maid of honour. Yes of course, goes without saying.’
‘Well, thank you. But I was going to say I’d like to do your flowers. As my wedding present to you.’
Her eyes widened. ‘Oh, Fearne. That is the loveliest offer I’ve ever had. I’d love that, thank you.’
‘All you need now is the groom to pop the question.’
She beamed. ‘Of course, and there’s no rush. No rush at all. Although I might have a scroll through Pinterest, just to pick up a few ideas.’
‘You might as well,’ I said with a grin, ‘seeing as you’ve already perfected your signature.’
A few minutes later, we were ready to leave. Laura headed to the loo while I stayed put with Scamp. I turned my attention back to the article on undiscovered villages in the newspaper to see if any of them were close by. There was one that stood out immediately:
The picturesque village of Barnaby nestled in the heart of the Derbyshire Dales will charm the pants off you. With its traditional village green, narrow streets and chocolate-box cottages, it’s so beloved by its tiny population that property rarely comes onto the market. Locals, however, welcome visitors with open arms and the Lemon Tree Café in the centre of the village is dog-friendly and serves delicious Italian delicacies, making it the perfect destination for a weekend hike.