“Of course,” she said, quietly staring at the room behind him. “Now I feel really bad. What if he was already on the floor at five o’clock this morning?”
“No,” Shane said, “that wouldn’t have happened. He’d probably just fallen back to sleep.”
“Maybe.” Then it wasn’t just her who went to his room. Orderlies and nurses did any number of routine checks all throughout the day and night. “Do you think it’s okay if I go in and see him?”
“I think so,” he said thoughtfully. “Come on. I’ll go with you.”
The two of them walked to Keith’s room. The door was open now, and Keith was lying in bed, looking a little worse for wear. He looked up, saw her, and frowned.
“I knocked on the door,” she said, “and you didn’t answer. I was terrified something was wrong.”
“Are you the reason that Shane found me?”
She shook her head. “I did tell him, but he was already at the door, looking for you.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Apparently I was trying to walk before I can crawl.” He shook his head and turned to face the window.
“And I forgot to bring you coffee, so I was bringing this one,” she said, “and then I just drank it because it was getting cold.” At that point, she stared lamely down at the empty cup.
Hearing a whisper of sound, she turned to see Shane heading out, talking on his phone as he walked. She looked over at Keith. “Can I bring you another cup?”
He looked at her in surprise. “I was coming down to get a cup. I failed at that too.”
She looked at him for a long moment, nodded, and said, “You know what? The thing is, when we fail, we still have to get up and try again.”
“Not for a day or two,” he said. “Apparently I’m confined to bed right now anyway.”
“I’ll get you a cup of coffee,” she said. “It sounds like you could use it.” And before she left, she said, “Remember that you tried. Even if you did fail, at least you tried.” And, with that, she turned and left.
It should matter that he tried, but somehow the failure seemed to be the bigger part of this. Keith wasn’t even sure how it happened. He had straightened, had slipped off the bed, and had suddenly gotten dizzy, grabbed for the bed rail in order to stop himself from falling, but the chair, the bed, and the table had shifted, and he’d gone down. Even his attempt to save himself had been a disaster, as he caught his own foot going down, and he’d hit his head. The fact that he’d knocked himself out was something he didn’t want to think about. He’d never been the clumsy type. He’d never been the kind to have accidents or to fall and to wipe out like that. To be found by somebody else, well that was just the worst.
Had she found him? He racked his brain, trying to remember what she’d said. Shane had been there at the same time, so maybe, maybe not. He hoped not. Because that was just another dent to his pride. The fact that he was even worried about his pride with a woman was something he didn’t even want to consider, but it was hard to not see that something was developing between them.
He knew he should cut it off and stop it right now because he couldn’t be the person she wanted him to be. No way he could be the man whom she needed, the man whom she deserved. His days of filling that role were long gone, and it broke his heart because, for the first time in a long time, he’d met somebody he cared enough to want to be there for. It was wrong, and it was maddening that he would be in this position, finding somebody so special. But, because she was special, he also knew that he had to let her go. It would break his heart to do it, but he wouldn’t let her waste her time with a useless chump like him.
He also knew that everybody else around him would have a heyday with his mental state. And that just showed him once again what a rough time he’d had of it. But this wasn’t about self-pity. This was about coming to terms with reality. Whether she liked it or not, this might be fine for the moment, but, down the road, it wouldn’t be anywhere near good enough.
Why would it be? Lots of others—better, healthier, and stronger men than him were out there. And he could do only so much in replacing the person who he used to be. That physically fit, strong male who he had been wasn’t part of his repertoire anymore, and he would have to let that go.
He’d already let it go to some extent. He was well past the point of hoping to be what he used to be, that longing for who he was, but he didn’t know how he could get her to understand that. And it also meant denying himself something that he desperately wanted, which was time with her. He didn’t know what it was, but something about her just made him feel good to be around her. Something about her presence made him feel special, even to spend a few minutes talking with her. He looked forward to seeing her in the morning to the point that he now woke up just so that he could see her and could hopefully spend time with her. It wasn’t even five minutes, but it was just that connection in the morning, and then her bringing coffee back later on.
When one of the nurses shut the door as she left this morning, he’d stared at that closed door, wondering if his coffee would come, or if that was some sign too. And it had been a sign all right. A sign that he was an idiot. A sign that he would never be what he had always hoped he could be. How ridiculous was that?
He shook his head, determined to put it away inside him. When she walked back in again, bringing him coffee, he nodded politely and said, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She left the cup for him, stopped, and then said, “And, no, it makes no bit of difference.” Then she turned and walked out.
He watched her stiff back. It was almost as if she’d seen his thoughts. How did that work? It’s not supposed to work at all. He didn’t understand, but obviously she’d seen something, somehow, and he didn’t like it. Didn’t like it one bit.
Chapter 8
Ilse didn’t know why she’d walked away, but something had been in Keith’s gaze. He wouldn’t look at her, as if he were ashamed. She didn’t have a whole lot of patience with that. He needed to fully embrace the self-pity or drop it permanently. Accept it or leave it. But she couldn’t understand the hanging on to it. Maybe he had been embarrassed and humiliated over the whole falling incident, but it was a minor thing to her. And, of course, because it was minor to her, it didn’t matter, but that didn’t make it minor to him.
Acknowledging that, she headed back to work. But it stewed away inside her brain and heart until the next morning, when she walked past his room as usual, but no light was on under his closed door. She quickly slipped down the hallway, wondering if he’d had a bad night, and maybe he didn’t sleep, or if he was finally sleeping through the night. Either way the next morning and the one after that were the same thing, and, by then, she knew that he was avoiding her.
She groaned at that. Because she really, really cared about him. Yet she also could see that he wouldn’t be an easy person to be around.
As she was leaving for a couple hours on her own time, she saw Robin outside with the horses. She walked over and said, “Hi, how are you doing?”