The rich boy extended his arms expansively. “Here he is, the mighty midget we’ve all heard so much about.”
Smithy felt Diller tense beside him. “Don’t.”
“I’m not going to,” replied Smithy. While twenty-four-hour news proved his state of mind to be a rarity, Smithy struggled to be confused and angry at the same time.
“Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to our little soiree. I’m Chaz.” He clutched his hands to his chest. “And may I say – big fan of your work. And I see you’ve brought a friend with you. The more the merrier.”
He turned his attention to Muroe and Reed. She looked as if she were trying to decide where she should position her emotions between scared, pissed off and her normal level of unflappable cool.
“Ms Muroe. You too are, of course, very impressive in your own right. Welcome.”
“Yeah. Can I ask what the fuck is going on?” She waved a hand about. “Unless there’s been some pretty big news we missed, this isn’t Hawaii.”
The man laughed. “No, no, it is not. Good to see that didn’t slip past you. I, as host of this year’s event, decided to call an audible.”
Muroe looked between the man and Reed. “Call an audible?”
“It’s a sports metaphor,” said Reed.
“I know what it means,” snapped Muroe. “I just don’t get how the hell you think you have the right to drug and kidnap us?”
The man took a theatrical step back and feigned being wounded. “Kidnapped? Heavens, no. I’m afraid you are new to our little group, but we play pranks like this all the time, don’t we, LouLou?”
Reed, up until this point, had remained remarkably quiet. He now shifted awkwardly. The bellowing behemoth had been replaced by a suddenly nervous schoolboy. Smithy guessed there was enough history between “LouLou” and “Chaz” to keep a therapist busy for a couple of years, and that was before you got started with the collection of large men in bondage gear that one of them had assembled as an entourage.
“Yes, of course, Chaz,” said Reed. He turned to Muroe. “We do, sort of … A couple of years ago, Rake had us go to San Fran. We all got shanghaied and ended up on a converted navy cruiser travelling up the coast.”
“Exactly,” said Chaz. “I just took shanghaiing to the ultimate.” He gave LouLou an affectionate but hard slap on the back. “I’m afraid I had to buy off your whole flight crew. Wasn’t cheap, let me tell you!”
“OK,” said Muroe. “Well, you boys can play your little games” – she looked at the collection of goons standing behind Chaz – “with whatever the hell this is, but” – she turned to Reed – “our arrangement is officially at an end. You do not pull this kind of shit on me. Get me out of here right now.”
Displaying impeccable timing, the airplane on which they’d arrived took off in the background as she finished her sentence. Muroe looked at the ground and swore under her breath.
“Stop embarrassing me,” said Reed.
Muroe’s head shot up. “Embarrassing you? Embarrassing you?”
“This is just like Hawaii, essentially.”
“Really?” said Muroe, making no effort to keep the scorn from her voice.
“Oh, come on,” said Chaz, sounding exasperated. “Where is your sense of adventure? Don’t worry about the boys here. I’ve just gone for a post-apoc theme for this year’s shindig. It’s all just a bit of fun.”
Diller spoke from the side of his mouth so only Smithy could hear. “You know what it looks like …”
“Don’t say it.”
Chaz clapped his hands. “Boys, mount up.”
The selection of extras from a film Smithy was not going to mention got back into their vehicles.
“LouLou, you ride with me in the lead vehicle. Ms Muroe and the boys can go in the second Humvee.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” said Muroe.
Chaz shrugged. “Fair enough. Looks like we’ll have one less guest for dinner, boys. I do hope you brought some sunscreen.”
Muroe looked hard at him. “I want to make a call.”
“Of course,” said Chaz. “No cell towers out here, I’m afraid, but come back to the camp and you can do it from there. Wait until you see it – it’s an absolute blast.”
Muroe paused for a moment, then walked towards the indicated Humvee. Smithy couldn’t fail to notice that one of the road-warrior rejects took a long, unsubtle look at her ass as she did so.
Chaz turned to Smithy and Diller. “And will you gentlemen be joining us?”
Diller looked at Smithy.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
Smithy raised his voice. “Sure. We’d be delighted.”
Chapter Twenty
The Humvee thumped up and down as they drove along whatever desert road they were on, doing nothing for Smithy’s mood. His malaise was further exacerbated by the blacked-out passenger windows – there was no way to see where they were going. He was developing a headache – possibly from the mild concussion he had received while trying to corral an aircraft, or maybe just from the stress of seeing his whole life go so totally off the rails.
“Don’t worry,” said Muroe, “I will sort this.”
“Really?” said Smithy.
She glowered at him. “Really. Look – OK, these people are a tad eccentric.”
“Eccentric?” said Smithy incredulously. “Eccentric was pushing it before we got on the airplane. It has long since ceased to be a word capable of covering the current situation. These people are fucking insane.”
“Shush,” said Muroe, “they’ll hear you.” She indicated the front compartment of the Humvee.
“Oh, what?” said Smithy. “Do you mean the dude with the AK-47 and the Charlie Manson vibe, or the guy with the mohawk, the ‘mom’ tattoo and the sword? Wouldn’t want to offend those guys. They seem nice. I bet they volunteer at homeless shelters during the holidays.”
“Being snippy isn’t going to get us anywhere.”
“She has a point,” said Diller, which earned him a look from Smithy. “What? Look, we’re in this situation. Let’s just try to keep cool and we’ll get out of it. We always do.”
“I don’t think we’ve ever been in a situation quite like this,” said Smithy. “I’m not sure anyone has.”
Muroe lowered her voice. “Does anyone have any idea where we are?”
“This time of year,” said Diller, scratching at his chin, “with this kind of weather? New Mexico? Nevada? Texas? Maybe California?”
“OK,” said Muroe. “Right. Well, the person who owns the second-biggest private helicopter supplier in the country owes me a big favour, so I reckon I can get us out of here pretty fast if I can get hold of a phone.”
Smithy blew a raspberry.
“Helpful,” snapped Muroe.
“No, I don’t imagine it is. Thing is, a couple of points – one, Diller just mentioned four states in which you could successfully hide the moon, and, sorry Dill, but even that analysis is based on a false assumption.”