“You don’t think I can do it,” she said after a moment, disappointment flashing through her eyes.
“It’s not that,” I said slowly. “It’s just…hard. I mean, all of us have intense military training. The kind of training you don’t get by doing a couple of years in the Limaji military. Natalia is getting ready to do six months in the Middle East with a U.S. military unit. Erik has worked out a type of exchange program where one of their guys is coming here to get a taste of European-style military training and she’s going to a war zone. You’d have to do the same thing at some point. And that would be after you did your regular two years, plus you’d need to get your degree.” I paused, watching her face.
Shit. I had to be careful because I saw trouble brewing behind those sapphire eyes.
“I know it wouldn’t be easy, and I don’t know that I want to do all that, but it sounds like you don’t think I should. Or that I would fail.”
“I never said anything about you failing,” I protested. “I’m concerned. I don’t know how I’d feel about you going to the Middle East on an actual tour of duty.”
“You did it,” she shot back. “Multiple times. I realize I’m a woman, but it shouldn’t matter. Lots of women are in combat now.”
“Yeah, but—”
“So it’s a double standard because it’s me? Because we’re in a relationship?” Her eyes flashed with something akin to anger.
“Well, yes.” I wasn’t sure what to do but be honest. Even though she was definitely starting to get pissed. This was going to turn into our first fight if I wasn’t careful, and while that might be fun under different circumstances, this was apparently important to her so I needed to watch what I said. “Listen, it’s not about your abilities. It’s about time and experience and lifestyle. You could do all the things you need to do, but even if you do them all, there’s no guarantee you’ll qualify. You could train for the physical aspect and get your degree and put in your time in the military, but there’s also a psychological aspect, something that you can’t learn. Either you have it or you don’t.”
“And you’re saying I don’t?” She glared at me, eyes flashing, hands on her hips.
Almost any other topic and it would’ve been awesome to pick a fight and then follow it up with rough but loving make-up sex. Unfortunately, something told me that wasn’t going to work here.
“I’m saying there’s a darkness to those of us that do this job—something a little twisted inside of us that makes us able to do the things we need to do. Like kill someone without letting it keep us up at night. I don’t see that darkness in you, baby. I see light and love and kindness.”
“You talk about this damn darkness inside of you all the time and it’s bullshit,” she snapped. “You’re not dark. You’ve seen dark things, maybe done them as well, but at the end of the day, you’re a wonderful man with a wonderful soul. I couldn’t love a man who was anything else!”
With that, she flounced out of the room without looking back.
I’d tried to apologize but she had to leave and I had a dozen things to do, so though I’d told her I was sorry I upset her, we hadn’t had a chance to talk things out. I didn’t know what the hell she was thinking, wanting to be a Royal Protector, so after the morning briefing, I went to talk to Joe about it.
“Hey, Joe, you got a minute?”
“Just about one,” he said, gathering up some papers. “I need to join Erik, Sandor and Daniil for a quick private meeting before their official meeting disguised as lunch with that Frederick asshole.”
“Okay, never mind. It can wait.”
“I have a minute,” he said, meeting my gaze. “This have something to do with Solange?”
“She wants to be a Royal Protector!” I said, throwing up my hands. I’d had to hold in all of my emotions when she’d brought it up, but here with Joe I could vent my frustration with the idea. “I mean, what the fuck? I get that she respects what we do and wants to do something important in her life now that she’s experiencing a whole new world, but does she not understand what it means to be one of us?”
Joe didn’t say anything, merely listening as I let it all out.
“She could be killed! We were all military and saw combat, except Natalia, and we’re sending her to the fucking Middle East now! How can Solange even be considering this?”
“You done?” Joe cocked his head.
“Oh, don’t tell me you think this is a good idea?” I demanded.
“I don’t,” he admitted. “But that’s not for you or me to decide. This is her life, her decision. I don’t think she’s right for the job. She’s smart, determined, and probably tougher than we give her credit for, but I don’t believe she’s cut out for it. What I think is that we need people dedicated to things like cybersecurity, with a division of the Protectors that doesn’t participate in the actual bodyguard duties, but provides support in other ways.”
I hesitated but then nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good option. But how do I convince her of that?”
He met my gaze. “You don’t. You let her figure it out. It’s not for you or me to decide. Yes, I have a say in whether or not she gets in, but not whether or not she tries. And if you keep her from following a dream, even if she falls flat on her face, she won’t ever forgive you. I don’t know much about women, but I know plenty about relationships, and that’s a recipe for disaster.”
His phone buzzed and he looked down. “Shit. There’s a situation. They need us upstairs.”
We took the stairs because it was faster than waiting for the elevator, and I was impressed a guy almost twice my age could keep up with me. We were headed to Erik’s private office and found him on the phone, talking furiously in Limaji. He spoke English more than fifty percent of the time, so I was surprised to hear him going off on someone in his native tongue. He was talking way too fast for me to follow but then he slammed his phone down on his desk and glared at us.
“There’s been another fucking fire! They burned down Braksa.”
“What part of Braksa?” Joe asked, frowning.
“All of it. The whole fucking town.”
33
Solange
I was distracted at work that day, equal parts annoyed and hurt by Axel’s reaction to my wanting to explore the possibility of becoming a Royal Protector. Lennox was one and Natalia was training to be one, so why not me? Granted, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to do something so dangerous as a full-time job, but why did he have to act like I couldn’t cut it?
Probably because I couldn’t. I could get into shape and learn how to fight, but I was hesitant about carrying a gun and actually using it to kill someone. In a life-or-death situation, where it was them or someone I loved, I had no doubt I’d be able to, but day in and day out, knowing that was a possibility would wear on me emotionally. I wasn’t so naïve that I hadn’t considered that.
The thing was, I wanted to find out, and Axel’s reaction made me even more determined to do so. It was childish, and we probably needed to talk about it, but I was angry now. I expected more from him. Xander had been far gentler and diplomatic about pointing out how difficult it would be, but Axel’s gut reaction had been to push back, and that worried me. What else would he try to keep me from doing it?