“You surprised me,” he told her, his lips caressing her hand. “I wasn’t expecting such a blunt reply.” She released her hold on his mouth, and his lips immediately curled into a grin. “Tell me exactly what kind of sex you were thinking about.”
God, he was beautiful. He had the kind of face ancient greeks would have killed for. Strong nose, defined jawline, full lips. He wouldn’t look out of place at the Met. She reached out, tracing his bottom lip with her finger, watching as his eyes darkened.
“I was wondering why we haven’t done it yet,” she told him.
He captured her hand with his, pressing his lips against her palm. “I was waiting for you to be ready.”
“How do you know I’m not?”
“Because you have a big mouth. And when you’re ready you’ll tell me.” He winked.
“That’s exactly the kind of talk that’ll get a girl going.” She rolled her eyes at him, and he kissed her hand again, before releasing it and cupping her face with his palm.
“Seriously,” he said, keeping his voice low. “If you’re worried that I don’t want you, stop it right now. I want you, Van. I always have.” He glanced at the space between them then grinned. “Touch me if you don’t believe me.”
“Oh I believe you.”
“Good. Then I have a question for you.” He paused, then continued, “Actually, I have three.”
She ran the tip of her tongue across her dry lip. “What are they?”
“First, are you okay with condoms?”
“Yeah.” She was completely okay with them. And touched that he wanted to check with her. “What’s the second?”
“Can you wait until I move into my new place? Because when we have sex you’re gonna want to make a lot of noise. And we don’t want to wake up Zoe.”
“You’re very sure of yourself,” she said, her voice teasing.
“I’m more sure of you. You can be loud when you’re having a good time.”
She shook her head, biting down a smile. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”
“Yeah, but I’m your idiot.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask what the third question is.” She wrinkled her nose. “Am I gonna hate it?”
“Probably.” He gave her a soft smile, brushing her hair with his fingers. “But I need to ask it anyway.” The smile melted away, and his serious expression made her chest feel tight.
“Okay then.” She took a deep breath. “Hit me with it.”
“Shouldn’t we talk about what happened at Duke?”
Her muscles tensed. Without realizing it, she’d pulled away from him, the inches of air between them a cold barrier. “I…”
“Because I think we should. It’s like a huge dancing elephant in the room, and no matter how hard we ignore it, it’s always there. And I don’t want it to be there, Van. I don’t want that reminder of how I hurt you so much. I want it gone, and the only way is to talk about it.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering that day. The one when he tore her heart out of her chest and trounced it all over the ground. She tried to breathe in, but her lungs wouldn’t expand, forcing air out in short pants that provided no oxygen at all.
“Breathe, Van,” Tanner urged, grabbing her hands and holding them against him. “It’s okay. We’re here in your room. And I’m not going to hurt you again.”
She opened her eyes, and he was staring right at her. He winced, as though he could see the pain in her eyes.
“I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you. I’ve thought about it every day since, and it’s pretty much killed me. I called you and left voicemails. I sent you emails, letters…” his voice trailed off.
“I got them.” Her voice was thick. It hadn’t been easy to ignore them. It had crushed her already-broken heart even further. In the end, she’d changed her number and her email address, and told her mom to burn any mail once she’d moved out. It had been the only way she could cope.
A one-eighty turn. Forget he existed.
Although that had been impossible, of course.
“What I did was wrong. I could give you excuses about being angry with you, about being too young to know how to deal with my emotions. But that’s all they are. Excuses,” he told her. “And I’ll never stop apologizing for hurting you in the worst way.”
He looked distraught. His face was close to hers, his eyes searching as though they were trying to find all the answers. She leaned forward, gently pressing her lips to his. “I forgave you a long time ago,” she whispered. “I just never knew what to do with that.”
“You forgave me?” Warmth rushed through him. He didn’t deserve it, not one bit.
She nodded, and the tension melted from his face.
“Because I’d understand if you didn’t.”
She scooted closer to him, until her breasts molded against the hard planes of his chest, her thighs intertwining with his. “It was such a long time ago. We were kids. Too naïve to understand that things aren’t always black and white.” She took a deep breath. “I owe you an apology, too.”
“You do?” His brows knitted together. “Why?”
“I’m the one who ruined our plans. Who broke our promises. I told you I’d go to Duke with you, and I didn’t.”
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “Yeah, but I know why you did it.” His smile was sad. “Or at least I know now. I didn’t then.”
“Yeah. That’s what makes it so sad. I didn’t know how to talk to you, and I didn’t want to listen. I was so afraid of what everybody thought of me, when the only opinion that mattered was yours.”
“I’ve always thought you’re amazing,” he whispered, pressing his lips to her cheek. “And funny, and beautiful, as well as the strongest woman I know. And every time I see you smile at me, I feel like the luckiest bastard in town. Not everybody gets a second chance.”
She smiled at him, a soft, hazy kind of smile, and he leaned forward to press his lips against hers.
“Are we done talking now?” she asked, sliding her arms around his neck and deepening the kiss.
“I am,” he rasped, as he broke away. “If you are.”
“Yep. Completely done.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
“What’re you doing?” Zoe asked, leaning on the doorjamb. Van was pulling out all the dusty old boxes that had languished at the back of her closet for years.
“Sorting through my old memory boxes.” For too long she’d ignored them, the same way she’d tried to push down the memories of that time. But since it was a Saturday morning, and she’d already checked in with the contstruction team, it felt like a good time to clear out the cobwebs. Get rid of the things that didn’t give her joy.
“Can I look?” Zoe asked, kneeling down beside Van and taking a box, sending dust flying into the air. “Oh god, these are ancient.” She sneezed, then screwed her face up. “How long have they been in there? Centuries?”